Snowmelt

[ellajam]

[Emz]

I like this.

I think it would be better if the words were outside of the actual picture. Either that, or maybe change the font colour to white. The deep red on the green/black is difficult on the eyes (at least for me).

Other than that, it's an interesting picture with a good combination of words

[just mercedes]

I love the way the image IS the poem. But I shy from 'bleeding heart' as a cliche.

[ellajam]

I like this.

I think it would be better if the words were outside of the actual picture. Either that, or maybe change the font colour to white. The deep red on the green/black is difficult on the eyes (at least for me).

Other than that, it's an interesting picture with a good combination of words

Thanks for stopping by, emz. I was aiming for the text to be barely visible but I may have taken it a bit too far. I like the red on green because that's the way it grows, with the red threading its way through the green, but I'll see if I can tweak it, the app must be around here somewhere.

I love the way the image IS the poem. But I shy from 'bleeding heart' as a cliche.

Does it grow where you are? Lamprocapnos spectabilis, bleeding heart is what it's called here. It erupts from bare ground first thing in spring with the bulbs, forms a nice sized bush then disappears by mid-summer. I'll think about whether a word other than bleeding would work, but I love the common names of flowers, Nigella's love-in-a-mist is my favorite.

[Jeremiahcp]

I have to agree with, Just Mercedes, about the cliche. Since the poem is so small, the majority ends up being the cliche, bleeding heart. Cliches can be used, if they are used in an original way, but associating be still, awakens and bleeding, with heart makes the entire poem sound plain.

[ellajam]

I have to agree with, Just Mercedes, about the cliche. Since the poem is so small, the majority ends up being the cliche, bleeding heart. Cliches can be used, if they are used in an original way, but associating be still, awakens and bleeding, with heart makes the entire poem sound plain.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, maybe I'll think of a new poem, or let it go as a fail. Not the first or last.

[Jeremiahcp]

I have to agree with, Just Mercedes, about the cliche. Since the poem is so small, the majority ends up being the cliche, bleeding heart. Cliches can be used, if they are used in an original way, but associating be still, awakens and bleeding, with heart makes the entire poem sound plain.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, maybe I'll think of a new poem, or let it go as a fail.  Not the first or last.

I kind of feel it just needs to be developed into something more. I feel like you have  the seed of a poem here, and now you just need to make it bloom.

[ellajam]

I have to agree with, Just Mercedes, about the cliche. Since the poem is so small, the majority ends up being the cliche, bleeding heart. Cliches can be used, if they are used in an original way, but associating be still, awakens and bleeding, with heart makes the entire poem sound plain.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, maybe I'll think of a new poem, or let it go as a fail.  Not the first or last.

I kind of feel it just needs to be developed into something more. I feel like you have  the seed of a poem here, and now you just need to make it bloom.

Thanks for the encouragement, I'll think about it.

[sharon rhutasel]

I'm not sure whether your poem is haiku or simply a micro poem. Either way, perhaps "be still" should be either the last phrase in a one line haiku or the last line in a three line haiku with "awakens" standing alone as the second line. Otherwise, the logic of what you're saying doesn't work for me. In addition, if the poem is haiku, probably best not to personalize. Instead, you could substitute "a" for "my." Also, posting poems with photos can be tricky. In this case, the photo contributes to creating the cliche. Maybe if you substituted another phrase that is a more creative way of suggesting "bleeding," the poem be stronger. I especially like the basic idea of the poem and its brevity. If you revise, I hope you'll post it again.

[ellajam]

I'm not sure whether your poem is haiku or simply a micro poem.  Either way, perhaps "be still" should be either the last phrase in a one line haiku or the last line in a three line haiku with "awakens" standing alone as the second line. Otherwise, the logic of what you're saying doesn't work for me.  In addition, if the poem is haiku, probably best not to personalize.  Instead, you could substitute "a" for "my."  Also, posting poems with photos can be tricky.  In this case, the photo contributes to creating the cliche.  Maybe if you substituted another phrase that is a more creative way of suggesting "bleeding," the poem be stronger.  I especially like the basic idea of the poem and its brevity.  If you revise, I hope you'll post it again.

Hi, Sharon, welcome to the Pen

Good points all, particularly the "my", also that the picture makes the cliche worse instead of tolerable. I'm far off track here, really was more playing with the app than anything else. Maybe I'll try to make a decent poem of it, thanks for the encouragement. Oh, and I was aiming for 3 lines, shifting awakens, or maybe awake, or emerges, who knows?, is a good idea. We'll see.