Backlit Nature

[hopefularahant]

though im a little nervous to post this, since i rarely share any of my poetry, i figured i might as well find out if it was any good or not.  

Backlit Nature Revision 2

The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
The drops descend so ceaselessly
Wetting earths tilted spin.

The greenery spreads with quickness
Their leafy limbs bend over
Trees tilt, raising lips to the sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover--

Brown grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,
Dubbed blades merely by  appearance,
They bow to simple skin

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,
With no reason to be.

Two wondrous globes sit in sockets,
As strong as worlds alone,
Never behold such great beauty,
Still staring at a phone


origional


The Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
Drops descend, innumerable,
Wetting earths tilted spin.

Greenery graces all places,
leafy limbs lumber all over,
Trees tilt tacitly to sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover.

The feline fixates fully,
All focuses finely tuned.
Springing on shadowy specters,
Feeling fall flowers bloomed.

Grasses sway incessantly,
whispering wise words of wind,
Dubbed blades by mere appearance,
They bow soft to simple skin

Sweet singers sit still,
Ruffling plumage so proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they are hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash,
Salt upon sandy shore
A wondrous azure beauty,
Bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as feline or hawk,
Though deeper than green sea
More emotion than simple mammal,
With no easy reason to be.

Two wondrous globes in sockets,
More powerful than worlds alone,
Would never behold such beauty,
Ignorantly stare into a phone

[Leanne]

Hi -- please don't think I'm being too hard on you.  There are definite signs of promise here and some of your images are lovely, but you do make a few errors in execution that are quite easy to fix once you acknowledge them.  

The first and most obvious is your overuse of alliteration.  Some, subtly, is sublime... but tongue twisters tend to torture!

Secondly, rhymes are tricky.  It's really best to either use all true rhymes (skin/spin), or all half rhymes (tuned/bloomed), rather than mixing them up as you've done.  This just makes it seem like you couldn't think of the right word, and whether that's the case or not, it's the final effect.  If you decide on true rhymes, there is always a rhyme available -- although sometimes you just need to change your original wording.  Poets can never become too attached to individual lines or phrases.  

I presume this is a poem in opposition to dependence on technology, especially mobile phones.  I can tell this only from the last line.  The poem would benefit from more contrast throughout, rather than just leaving it to the end where it feels a little flat.  As it is, we're basically just reading through descriptions and no matter how beautiful that might be, it's not enough to keep our attention.  Please do continue to work on this though -- there is a good poem in there waiting to emerge.  Very few people are absolutely amazingly perfect first go without any editing. 

[hopefularahant]

Hi -- please don't think I'm being too hard on you.  There are definite signs of promise here and some of your images are lovely, but you do make a few errors in execution that are quite easy to fix once you acknowledge them.  

The first and most obvious is your overuse of alliteration.  Some, subtly, is sublime... but tongue twisters tend to torture!

Secondly, rhymes are tricky.  It's really best to either use all true rhymes (skin/spin), or all half rhymes (tuned/bloomed), rather than mixing them up as you've done.  This just makes it seem like you couldn't think of the right word, and whether that's the case or not, it's the final effect.  If you decide on true rhymes, there is always a rhyme available -- although sometimes you just need to change your original wording.  Poets can never become too attached to individual lines or phrases.  

I presume this is a poem in opposition to dependence on technology, especially mobile phones.  I can tell this only from the last line.  The poem would benefit from more contrast throughout, rather than just leaving it to the end where it feels a little flat.  As it is, we're basically just reading through descriptions and no matter how beautiful that might be, it's not enough to keep our attention.  Please do continue to work on this though -- there is a good poem in there waiting to emerge.  Very few people are absolutely amazingly perfect first go without any editing. 

Thanks for reading and replying! And I do admit that though i LOVE alliteration, there is such thing as too much.... And as for the rhyme scheme I hadn't known the difference between full and half rhyme, so thanks you for enlightening me... I will work on this!

[kreichert]

I would agree with the comments regarding alliteration. Context is important in deciding when and where to use it. The number of syllables in lines and verses differs from verse to verse. This makes to flow of the poem difficult for the reader. I guess I’m looking for meter, a regular pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables. Try reading the poem out loud. I find that this helps me find the lines and words to address. There are a number of lines that create interesting imagery. “The Sun spills sanguine gold” could easily describe the sunrise I witnessed this morning. I look forward to see what you do with this.

[Rogue Yun]

Hi -- please don't think I'm being too hard on you.  There are definite signs of promise here and some of your images are lovely, but you do make a few errors in execution that are quite easy to fix once you acknowledge them.  

The first and most obvious is your overuse of alliteration.  Some, subtly, is sublime... but tongue twisters tend to torture!

Secondly, rhymes are tricky.  It's really best to either use all true rhymes (skin/spin), or all half rhymes (tuned/bloomed), rather than mixing them up as you've done.  This just makes it seem like you couldn't think of the right word, and whether that's the case or not, it's the final effect.  If you decide on true rhymes, there is always a rhyme available -- although sometimes you just need to change your original wording.  Poets can never become too attached to individual lines or phrases.  

I presume this is a poem in opposition to dependence on technology, especially mobile phones.  I can tell this only from the last line.  The poem would benefit from more contrast throughout, rather than just leaving it to the end where it feels a little flat.  As it is, we're basically just reading through descriptions and no matter how beautiful that might be, it's not enough to keep our attention.  Please do continue to work on this though -- there is a good poem in there waiting to emerge.  Very few people are absolutely amazingly perfect first go without any editing. 

Thanks for reading and replying!  And I do admit that though i LOVE alliteration, there is such thing as too much.... And as for the rhyme scheme I hadn't known the difference between full and half rhyme, so thanks you for enlightening me... I will work on this!

I'm new, and I will use that as my disclaimer. I think the last line is fine personally and I didn't think it felt flat. It adds a certain amount of shock value that draws the readers attention that I feel hits the message you are conveying solidly. But, I am no expert. I would say that I agree that there should be something more in contrast throughout the poem. I have written similar poems on similar themes (none I think as good as yours) but I think it is important to make moral poems like short sturdy lengths of chain. Each stanza/line binding to next. Well done! I would be glad to read more of your poems.

[BelialNaoe]

I understand so much how you feel about alliteration. I abuse it so much myself because tongue twistings so fun, but my poetry is so rarely about fun so I lose out generally!

One thing that stuck out I thought I would mention..

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
"Unless they're hear aloud."
-Maybe supposed to be 'heard'? But then the other feeling is that everything is heard aloud?

[hopefularahant]

I understand so much how you feel about alliteration. I abuse it so much myself because tongue twistings so fun, but my poetry is so rarely about fun so I lose out generally!

One thing that stuck out I thought I would mention..

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
"Unless they're hear aloud."
-Maybe supposed to be 'heard'? But then the other feeling is that everything is heard aloud?

First, Thanks for reading/ commenting on my poem! And to address your question, i suppose there is no real written form or repeatable form of a bird singing. If youre not there to hear it, you miss it. Thats what i was attempting to capture.

[tectak]

though im a little nervous to post this, since i rarely share any of my poetry, i figured i might as well find out if it was any good or not.  

Backlit Nature Revision 2

The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
The drops descend so ceaselessly
Wetting earths tilted spin.

The greenery spreads with quickness
Their leafy limbs bend over
Trees tilt, raising lips to the sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover--

Brown grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,
Dubbed blades merely by  appearance,
They bow to simple skin

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,
With no reason to be.

Two wondrous globes sit in sockets,
As strong as worlds alone,
Never behold such great beauty,
Still staring at a phone


origionalspelling


The Sun spills sanguine gold, punctuation
From spotty splits in skin.
Drops descend, innumerable,
Wetting earthspunctuation tilted spin.

Greenery graces all places,
leafy limbs lumber all over,
Trees tilt tacitly to sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover.

The feline fixates fully,
All focuses finely tuned.
Springing on shadowy specters,
Feeling fall flowers bloomed. Grammar

Grasses sway incessantly,
whispering wise words of wind,
Dubbed blades by mere appearance,
They bow soft to simple skin meaning

Sweet singers sit still,
Ruffling plumage so proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they are hear aloud. sense and word use

White tipped waves wash, grammar
Salt upon sandy shore
A wondrous azure beauty,
Bound to grey moonspunctuation core grammar

Her eyes as feline or hawk, sense
Though deeper than green sea
More emotion than simple mammal, sense
With no easy reason to be.

Two wondrous globes in sockets,
More powerful than worlds alone,
Would never behold such beauty,
Ignorantly stare into a phone

Hi hope,
You have had some good advice already. It would be interesting to see if you can apply it. If you intend revising could I tentatively suggest that you discipline yourself regarding the rules of grammar and syntax. Because this is in novice I have highlighted errors but leave you to correct them...as an exercise, so to speak. One more thing, it is no longer necessary to capitalise every line. It is very old hat and pointlessly pedantic...quite apart from being confusing
Best,
tectak

[hopefularahant]

though im a little nervous to post this, since i rarely share any of my poetry, i figured i might as well find out if it was any good or not.  

Backlit Nature Revision 2

The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
The drops descend so ceaselessly
Wetting earths tilted spin.

The greenery spreads with quickness
Their leafy limbs bend over
Trees tilt, raising lips to the sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover--

Brown grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,
Dubbed blades merely by  appearance,
They bow to simple skin

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,
With no reason to be.

Two wondrous globes sit in sockets,
As strong as worlds alone,
Never behold such great beauty,
Still staring at a phone


origionalspelling


The Sun spills sanguine gold, punctuation
From spotty splits in skin.
Drops descend, innumerable,
Wetting earthspunctuation tilted spin.

Greenery graces all places,
leafy limbs lumber all over,
Trees tilt tacitly to sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover.

The feline fixates fully,
All focuses finely tuned.
Springing on shadowy specters,
Feeling fall flowers bloomed. Grammar

Grasses sway incessantly,
whispering wise words of wind,
Dubbed blades by mere appearance,
They bow soft to simple skin meaning

Sweet singers sit still,
Ruffling plumage so proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they are hear aloud. sense and word use

White tipped waves wash, grammar
Salt upon sandy shore
A wondrous azure beauty,
Bound to grey moonspunctuation core grammar

Her eyes as feline or hawk, sense
Though deeper than green sea
More emotion than simple mammal, sense
With no easy reason to be.

Two wondrous globes in sockets,
More powerful than worlds alone,
Would never behold such beauty,
Ignorantly stare into a phone

Hi hope,
You have had some good advice already. It would be interesting to see if you can apply it. If you intend revising could I tentatively suggest that you discipline yourself regarding the rules of grammar and syntax. Because this is in novice I have highlighted errors but leave you to correct them...as an exercise, so to speak. One more thing, it is no longer necessary to capitalise every line. It is very old hat and pointlessly pedantic...quite apart from being confusing
Best,
tectak

Thanks for ting the time to edit and critique! Though im not sure as i completely understand even half of the problems you pointed out in the poem. Also, if you meant to correct the original instead of the revision, i am confused as to why

[Deadrise]

Hello hopefularahant

Far to many people are slaves of their phones, very sad indeed.

I think you can say more with less in your poem. From my reads I find that your images/thoughts are diluted by an excess of words.    


The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.

Their leafy limbs bend over
Drinking their honey lover--

grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,

Song birds?
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're heard

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core  (wind crates waves – moon creates tide)

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,   (This verse tripped me up every time)
With no reason to be.

Wondrous globes distracted
such beauty to behold

Still staring at a phone

Take care,
John

[hopefularahant]

Hello hopefularahant

Far to many people are slaves of their phones, very sad indeed.

I think you can say more with less in your poem. From my reads I find that your images/thoughts are diluted by an excess of words.    


The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.

Their leafy limbs bend over
Drinking their honey lover--

grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,

Song birds?
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're heard

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core  (wind crates waves – moon creates tide)

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,   (This verse tripped me up every time)
With no reason to be.

Wondrous globes distracted
such beauty to behold

Still staring at a phone

Take care,
John

Thanks for taking the time to critique! And as far as the length of my poem, i could definitely cut out lines or parts of stanzas, though the meter and feet require the words to stay, unless i change that too, which is not out of the question. And thanks for the moon observation! Proves what i know about astronomy, lol. And finally, i mean to say that human eyes are far more complex than an animals, though we still have no solid reasoning behind the purpose of the existance of man.

[Moose]

though im a little nervous to post this, since i rarely share any of my poetry, i figured i might as well find out if it was any good or not.  

Backlit Nature Revision 2

The rising Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
The drops descend so ceaselessly
Wetting earths tilted spin.

The greenery spreads with quickness
Their leafy limbs bend over
Trees tilt, raising lips to the sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover--

Brown grasses sway incessantly,
whispering words of wind,
Dubbed blades merely by  appearance,
They bow to simple skin

Sweet singers perch on vantage points,
Ruffling plumage proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they're hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash upon the sand
Salty upon grey shore
A wondrous azure spectacle
But bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as true as cat or hawk
Though deeper than green sea
More soulful than an animals,
With no reason to be.

Two wondrous globes sit in sockets,
As strong as worlds alone,
Never behold such great beauty,
Still staring at a phone


origional


The Sun spills sanguine gold,
From spotty splits in skin.
Drops descend, innumerable,
Wetting earths tilted spin.

Greenery graces all places,
leafy limbs lumber all over,
Trees tilt tacitly to sun,
Drinking their honeyed lover.

The feline fixates fully,
All focuses finely tuned.
Springing on shadowy specters,
Feeling fall flowers bloomed.

Grasses sway incessantly,
whispering wise words of wind,
Dubbed blades by mere appearance,
They bow soft to simple skin

Sweet singers sit still,
Ruffling plumage so proud.
Silky syllables, meaningless,
Unless they are hear aloud.

White tipped waves wash,
Salt upon sandy shore
A wondrous azure beauty,
Bound to grey moons core

Her eyes as feline or hawk,
Though deeper than green sea
More emotion than simple mammal,
With no easy reason to be.

Two wondrous globes in sockets,
More powerful than worlds alone,
Would never behold such beauty,
Ignorantly stare into a phone

Hi hope,
Would like to start by saying I love the title. I find it very evocative.

There are some beautiful turns of phrase in this poem which sparkle off the page. I love the transition from sanguine gold to spotty split skin. Genius.

This however makes the odd clunks the more jarring:
For me the last two stanzas belong to another poem. I'm taken from a lovely word portrait of the great outdoors and
jarringly (for me) put in the presence of a female and a phone. For me the shift of scene could be smoother.

One thing that did immediately stand out uncomfortably was the line 'Unless they're hear aloud'. It doesn't scan: I know you have explained your reasons for using those particular words but I am still unclear as to the meaning and agree with the observation that 'heard' is a far more fluent unless the intention is to conflate 'hear' with 'here'.

It is great to see the evolution from the original.
Please take my comments with a pinch of salt as I have no formal experience/understanding on which I've based my observations.

Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your poems.

[jasmine.m.wardiya]

Firstly, take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm by no means an expert; I'm simply giving the impressions I received upon reading your poem.

Secondly, you've picked a clever and gorgeous title. The sort that's quite catchy as well as giving an inkling as to what the poem is about - if I was drifting around and found this poem, that title would be enough for me to glance at the rest of it.

The rhyming structure suits your content as well, and you've got some lovely rhymes like skin/spin, wind/skin (I wonder, was the repition of skin on purpose there?), proud/aloud... There were a few I found I stumbled over though, like over/lover in the second paragraph. Not only are their sounds a little diverent (the 'o' is pronounced differently in both, unless you're pronouncing lover like as in clover). but "bend over" is also a bit of an awkward phrase - perhaps because "over" seems to be there entirely for the rhyme. "honeyed lover" is also somewhat out of place - it's an interesting sentiment, but I think lover is too direct/romanticly connotating a word to bring it out with, considering the word choices elsewhere.

[Wetting earths tilted spin]
earth's? Otherwise it appears to be "earths" in plural, which may be a play on God and subject with the sun in capital? I'm honestly not sure which of those it is. But you use sun in lowercase later on; pick one and be consistent with it.

[whispering words of wind]
In the interest of being consistent, "whispering" at the start of the line should be capitalised.
[Dubbed blades merely by appearance]
this line seems to read a little longer than the rest of the stanza and the way you've worded it, there's a few alternatives by which you can shorten it (eg. Dubbed blades by appearance/ bow to simple skin).

[Ruffling plumage proud] - this line sticks out for me - in a good way. One of those lines I'll remember after the rest of the poem.

[Silky syllbales, meaningless] - the majority of that stanza consists of soft sounds, so I find the "ky" sound to be a tad jarring in it. If you can think of a synonym of silky that has a somewhat softer sound (singer in comparison isn't quite as hard a sound and therefore not jarring), it might sound a little softer overall? Soft sounds seem to fit in an overall sense with your content as well, so I'd recommend keeping an eye on that for the entire piece.

[Salty upon grey shore] - I accidentally read that as a plural originally. Particularly because of [moons core] - if singular, moons should be apostrified as moon's. If plural and still possessive, it should be moons'. Plural alone is moons. You could have both shore and core plural if you choose. Or to negate the confusion, you could say "salty upon a grey shore" - which is a definite singular, instead of a more presumptive one.

[more soulful than an animals]

[With no reason to be] - seems like one of the few lines that don't carry with them a strong image. Just something to consider.

[Two wondrous globes sit in sockets] - I'm seeing a pair of eyes here, and by the looks of the last line, I think that's what I'm meant to be seeing. The switch to harder sounds with this stanza works nicely as well. I do wonder why you chose "behold" as present/future tense as opposed to "beheld" as past tense for the second last line. It makes the entire stanza seem more hopeless - which may well have been your intention.

Lastly, I didn't note down all the specific examples, but you've got some gorgeous alliteration going on. Whispering words of wind is my favourite, but you've got a myraid of examples.