From The Fruit Of Fantasy

[Magnum]

I yelled and flung the empty whiskey bottle through the air
The marching high school band is getting closer
Children running, playing with the pygmy bear
The carny selling snake oil, argues with the grocer
Soldiers marching past the fountain try hard to hide their stares
as ladies of the night walk by and boldly strut their wares
The preacher turns the other cheek, and quickly looks away
As mothers hide their children’s eyes, on such a dreadful day
The hunchback and the midget playing baseball on the grass
run off the growling rabid dog that almost bit their ass
The fishermen pull up their anchors in the dark and tranquil bay
and sail off to their secret place, where mermaids swim and play
The doctors and the lawyers and their limo drivers too
lay drunk across their tables in the dimly lit saloon
The one eyed hooker sings aloud her favorite Country tune
As the village idiot runs in circles, howling at the moon
And me I’m just here sitting, watching from the bleachers
As children on their outing, yell profanities at their teachers
The firemen turn their hoses on the salesmen trying to sell
Direct TV subscriptions, as the crowds yell “go to hell”.
City lights come alive, the cats desert the streets
The silence of the falling leaves, are gathering at my feet
As I walk past the working men, erecting circus tents
To bring tomorrow’s curious here, to offer new events

[billy]

not too bad an effort. is there any way to get a consistent meter? at present you generally have a 7 foot count. i put in a couple of quick suggestions but a bit of time would enhance the poem a lot. [howling at the moon] feels a little too cliche.

I yelled and flung the empty whiskey bottle through the air
The marching high school band is getting closer
Children running, playing with the pygmy bear
The carny selling snake oil, argues with the grocer
Soldiers marching past the fountain try hard to hide their stares
as ladies of the night walk by and boldly strut their wares
The preacher turns the other cheek, and quickly looks away  
As mothers hide their children’s eyes, on such a dreadful day  
The hunchback and the midget playing baseball on the grass
run off the growling rabid dog that almost bit their ass
The fishermen pull up their anchors in the dark and tranquil bay 8 feet [The fishermen pull anchor in the dark and tranquil bay]
and sail off to their secret place, where mermaids swim and play
The doctors and the lawyers and their limo drivers too
lay drunk across their tables in the dimly lit saloon some good sounds in this couplet, specially the L's
The one eyed hooker sings aloud her favorite Country song no rhyme in this one?
As the village idiot runs in circles, howling at the moon
And me I’m just here sitting, watching from the bleachers 6.1/2 feet
As children on their outing, yell profanities at their teachers
The firemen turn their hoses on the salesmen trying to sell 7.1/2 feet The firemen turn their hoses on as salesmen try to sell
Direct TV subscriptions, as the crowds yell “go to hell”.
City lights come alive, the cats desert the streets b12
The silence of the falling leaves, are gathering at my feet
As I walk past the working men, erecting circus tents
To bring tomorrow’s curious here, to offer new events

[hopefularahant]

I yelled and flung the empty whiskey bottle through the air
The marching high school band is getting closer
Children running, playing with the pygmy bear
The carny selling snake oil, argues with the grocer
Soldiers marching past the fountain try hard to hide their stares
as ladies of the night walk by and boldly strut their wares
The preacher turns the other cheek, and quickly looks away
As mothers hide their children’s eyes, on such a dreadful day
The hunchback and the midget playing baseball on the grass
run off the growling rabid dog that almost bit their ass
The fishermen pull up their anchors in the dark and tranquil bay
and sail off to their secret place, where mermaids swim and play
The doctors and the lawyers and their limo drivers too
lay drunk across their tables in the dimly lit saloon
The one eyed hooker sings aloud her favorite Country tune
As the village idiot runs in circles, howling at the moon
And me I’m just here sitting, watching from the bleachers
As children on their outing, yell profanities at their teachers
The firemen turn their hoses on the salesmen trying to sell
Direct TV subscriptions, as the crowds yell “go to hell”.
City lights come alive, the cats desert the streets
The silence of the falling leaves, are gathering at my feet
As I walk past the working men, erecting circus tents
To bring tomorrow’s curious here, to offer new events

I really like the description, and i easily get a mental picture from your writing. That said, there is no flow, the poem doesnt read very easily. Also, your rhyme scheme is good, but you change it once or twice, from an abab to an aabb and one stanza is an aaabb. Some of the rhymes seem a little forced, and i dont know if i might be missing something, but some of the lines make no sense to me and seem to be made simply to rhyme with the last one. Alot of the lines are individually very promising, im looking forward to a revision!

[tectak]

I yelled and flung the empty whiskey bottle through the air
The marching high school band is getting closer
Children running, playing with the pygmy bear
The carny selling snake oil, argues with the grocer
Soldiers marching past the fountain try hard to hide their stares
as ladies of the night walk by and boldly strut their wares
The preacher turns the other cheek, and quickly looks away
As mothers hide their children’s eyes, on such a dreadful day
The hunchback and the midget playing baseball on the grass
run off the growling rabid dog that almost bit their ass
The fishermen pull up their anchors in the dark and tranquil bay
and sail off to their secret place, where mermaids swim and play
The doctors and the lawyers and their limo drivers too
lay drunk across their tables in the dimly lit saloon
The one eyed hooker sings aloud her favorite Country tune
As the village idiot runs in circles, howling at the moon
And me I’m just here sitting, watching from the bleachers
As children on their outing, yell profanities at their teachers
The firemen turn their hoses on the salesmen trying to sell
Direct TV subscriptions, as the crowds yell “go to hell”.
City lights come alive, the cats desert the streets
The silence of the falling leaves, are gathering at my feet
As I walk past the working men, erecting circus tents
To bring tomorrow’s curious here, to offer new events

I really like the description, and i easily get a mental picture from your writing.  That said, there is no flow, the poem doesnt read very easily.  Also, your rhyme scheme is good, but you change it once or twice, from an abab to an aabb and one stanza is an aaabb.  Some of the rhymes seem a little forced, and i dont know if i might be missing something, but some of the lines make no sense to me and seem to be made simply to rhyme with the last one.  Alot of the lines are individually very promising, im looking forward to a revision!

I suggest you now breathe out. Holding your breath whilst waiting for dilettantes to improve their work can lead to asphyxiation.Mod

[summermoose]

Nice work.

Small piece of feedback would be to either use the definite article "the" before your nouns consistently, or not use them. For me the variation between the lines doesn't flow as well as it could.

for example you use: "Children running, playing with the pygmy bear" and then use "The firemen turn their hoses on the salesmen trying to sell"

nice work overall!