Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
I marked the revolutions of the sun
until my cooking skin began to peel.
Exploding from ephemeral ideal,
That unseen force that packed a youngman's gun
Was also like that lofty flea of Donne’s.
Because I howled like Lear upon his wheel
Because that summer wind would not reveal
Its origin. I searched the skies for puns.
I could reduce the meaning of the text
until the concrete casted figures fly.
I could continue grasping noon-time sky
But then it slips and leaves a man perplexed.
Perhaps the answer’s found inside the eye,
But then I’m back again, revolved, at I.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
I see you went for the CDDCDD. I've never seen that variable done before, but there are alot of them so I wouldn't dare say it is wrong, I'm just used to CDDCDC for the C-D-D variable. I'm no expert on sonnets, though, you are...and I've think you scared most readers off just by the mere mention of Petrarchian in the title.
As to the actual sonnet; in the last line you have a space before your comma. And there's not much of a volta in L9. Otherwise the damn thing is perfect iambic pentameter throughout...strong iambs with no funny business of trochees and such to throw the simple reader (like me) off.
I always admire your sonnets and yet hesitate to comment on them due to my inability to write one. So you already stand on a pedestal to me!
cheers!
mel.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(11-15-2014, 11:31 AM)bena Wrote: I see you went for the CDDCDD. I've never seen that variable done before, but there are alot of them so I wouldn't dare say it is wrong, I'm just used to CDDCDC for the C-D-D variable. I'm no expert on sonnets, though, you are...and I've think you scared most readers off just by the mere mention of Petrarchian in the title.
As to the actual sonnet; in the last line you have a space before your comma. And there's not much of a volta in L9. Otherwise the damn thing is perfect iambic pentameter throughout...strong iambs with no funny business of trochees and such to throw the simple reader (like me) off.
I always admire your sonnets and yet hesitate to comment on them due to my inability to write one. So you already stand on a pedestal to me!
cheers!
mel.
Ok, I appreciate it. I'll get to fixing that comma. The rapid sonneteering that I've seen occur like a solar eclipse on this website still leaves me in awe though. I'm sure there are probably some problems with my construction here, as well.
