Servitude

[azure]

Second Edit

She
gnawed
upon the
quick

and sucked
my
fingertip

such ruin
she vents
her body bent

me
a servile
creature
arched

We writhed
and fucked

Tuesday
down the
drain

I’m
three years
old again

swaddled
in rattlesnakes
praying


Oringinal Post

She
gnawed
upon the
quick,

and sucked
my
fingertip.

Such ruin
she vents,

her body bent

me
a servile  
creature,
arched.

We churned
and fucked

Tuesday
down the
drain.

I’m
three years
old again

swaddled
in rattlesnakes,

praying.

[Leanne]

Recovering Christian?

This is visceral, as if all passions are digested and emerge as a smear of energy. Your sonics are excellent -- solid beat, great assonance/consonance and end rhymes that blend in perfectly.

The end-line punctuation is not consistent and I'd actually suggest removing it entirely. It's not required for pace and its absence would enhance the ambiguity of some of your enjambments.

Where are we? Mild critique... I should leave it at that

[bena]

I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the format here. Is it to draw what is really a short thought? I found it a bit distracting as a device. I do like the language of the poem itself, but you know I have to point out that the theme has been done and redone. and then vomited up to be served again. I'm not certain about the word "churn" as a sexualized verb. It only makes me think of butter, and I don't think it serves a good purpose when you follow it with such as strong term as "fucked." The last 6 lines (or last sentence) of the piece are are concrete solid and bold. This is strong writing.

cheers,

mel

[azure]

Thank you gals for critiquing. I will take these helpful suggestions into consideration as I edit. Will have that done soon. As for a recovering Christian, kind of? Tried being a good little Baptist when I was a wee one. Wasn't for me in the end. Actually this poem half about an experience I had, and half inspired by Nine Inch Nails song Reptile. Here's the url to that song if interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfhkXxmnYHc

[billy]

not sure you need any punctuation as your line breaks do a good enough job. the last stanza brings to mind the collect a rattlesnake day some cult or other enjoys, i liked the graphic of it.

First Edit

She
gnawed
upon the
quick,

and sucked
my
fingertip.

Such ruin
she vents,
her body bent

me
a servile
creature,
arched.

We writhed
and fucked

Tuesday
down the
drain. i like the way you see it as a wasted day, but wonder why such activity could be classed as wasted

I’m
three years
old again

swaddled
in rattlesnakes
praying.


Oringinal Post

She
gnawed
upon the
quick,

and sucked
my
fingertip.

Such ruin
she vents,

her body bent

me
a servile  
creature,
arched.

We churned
and fucked

Tuesday
down the
drain.

I’m
three years
old again

swaddled
in rattlesnakes,

praying.

[SimikPK]

Second Edit

She
gnawed
upon the
quick

and sucked
my
fingertip

such ruin
she vents
her body bent

me
a servile
creature
arched

We writhed
and fucked This is very obvious. No need to tell. 

Tuesday
down the
drain

I’m
three years
old again

swaddled
in rattlesnakes
praying

The line breaks/one word lines disturb me a great deal. To me it seems that the poem is very forcibly trying to be more than it actally is. Reduce the lines, make it smaller. Dont make it what it isnt.