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(10-04-2014, 12:50 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: I have grown to like the title -- and the poem -- for its solid metaphor.
Generalizing 'breachcoming' to 'searching' then applying that to the couple
-- to the reader as well -- learning about their relationship. Maybe we're
seeing the man learning about the woman, maybe it's an older relationship.
Observing the couple's differences, where on the range from toleration,
to acceptance, to admiration do these fall (I'd say admiration). All that
good stuff 
adds interest to a visually beautiful poem.
One last thing:
Do you want that goddess possessive to be goddess' or goddess's ?
The first is much more common nowadays. While the other isn't wrong,
it may distract some readers who think it is.
glad you're diggin this, and yeah the title is growing on me as well. i just thought it too generic at first, like it didn't really say anything to me beyond "these people are wandering along the beach looking for crap" but now it's taking on a different meaning, one that i like. so i'll keep it for now.
as for the goddess'/goddess's issue, i dunno. it doesn't bug me one way or the other but if it's a stumbling block, i'll take another look at it and make an adjustment.
thanks again for the great feedback, most helpful!
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10-04-2014, 05:46 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-04-2014, 05:46 AM by Leanne.)
The title's not generic, it's understated. That allows the poem to stand on its own without being subject to loads of preconception. The edit is really solid -- I quite liked celadon because it's a cool word, but killing it off and having the alliteration of 'green globe' has strengthened the image considerably.
Nicely done
It could be worse
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(10-04-2014, 05:46 AM)Leanne Wrote: The title's not generic, it's understated. That allows the poem to stand on its own without being subject to loads of preconception. The edit is really solid -- I quite liked celadon because it's a cool word, but killing it off and having the alliteration of 'green globe' has strengthened the image considerably.
Nicely done
perhaps my next poem will be about hitting billy over the head with a celadon-glazed vase. it's a shame to waste such a cool word
thank you for the feedback, glad you like
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(10-04-2014, 05:46 AM)Leanne Wrote: The title's not generic, it's understated. That allows the poem to stand on its own without being subject to loads of preconception. ...
Yes! Exactly what I would have said if I'd been articulated correctly.
(Please excuse my smartassedness. I've said the same thing before; but since
it usually takes me 6 or 7 long sentences, I'm impressed. [I'm also copying it
and will swear on a stack of Oscar Wildes that I said it first and better.])
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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(10-04-2014, 06:23 AM)cjchaffin Wrote: perhaps my next poem will be about hitting billy over the head with a celadon-glazed vase. it's a shame to waste such a cool word
thank you for the feedback, glad you like
Don't destroy a good celadon-glazed vase (or a beer bottle for that matter).
Billy's head is notoriously hard. Try to convince him that haiku are metaphors
that contain metaphors; or, for that matter, that links to the outer worlds
are good things. Hitting billy over the head is as pointless as his head isn't.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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(10-04-2014, 02:44 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: (10-04-2014, 06:23 AM)cjchaffin Wrote: perhaps my next poem will be about hitting billy over the head with a celadon-glazed vase. it's a shame to waste such a cool word
thank you for the feedback, glad you like
Don't destroy a good celadon-glazed vase (or a beer bottle for that matter).
Billy's head is notoriously hard. Try to convince him that haiku are metaphors
that contain metaphors; or, for that matter, that links to the outer worlds
are good things. Hitting billy over the head is as pointless as his head isn't.
i wouldn't dream of it! i was gonna use the cheap knockoff shit i found in the Target discount bin
he won't know the difference.
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leave my head alone please, you may be interested in knowing you can leave an url to your WordPress page via your signature if you wish.
now back to the poem, keep it on track please.
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(10-04-2014, 03:52 PM)billy Wrote: leave my head alone please, you may be interested in knowing you can leave an url to your WordPress page via your signature if you wish.
now back to the poem, keep it on track please.
thanks billy. i did not know that.
and yes, back on track. no more shenanigans
