(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth -- "spews forth" is ever so slightly leaning towards cliche... how would you feel about "ejects" or something similar? (I only suggest "ejects" because it ties the sounds in this line and the next together)
green foam and glass fishing floats.
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs -- personally I'd stick a semi-colon here and get rid of "until I" in the next line
until I spot a small celadon orb.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more -- this strophe is a little wordy -- perhaps "I see only/ a recycled old..."?
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.  -- wonderful close



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

Leanne speaks truth

I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.

(10-01-2014, 03:44 PM)Leanne Wrote:  

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth -- "spews forth" is ever so slightly leaning towards cliche... how would you feel about "ejects" or something similar? (I only suggest "ejects" because it ties the sounds in this line and the next together)
green foam and glass fishing floats.
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs -- personally I'd stick a semi-colon here and get rid of "until I" in the next line
until I spot a small celadon orb.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more -- this strophe is a little wordy -- perhaps "I see only/ a recycled old..."?
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye.  -- wonderful close



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

I quite like the title, although "jetsom" came to mind as well. 

(10-01-2014, 04:39 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Leanne speaks truth

I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.

At high tide, the sea spews forth --   <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...

'until I spot a small celadon orb'  <- i think something simpler would do

'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...

"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!

maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate

(10-01-2014, 04:44 PM)Leanne Wrote:  How about "Orbits"?

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!

and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

(10-02-2014, 02:20 AM)ellajam Wrote:  the bottle: I pictured it buried neck down with only the bottom exposed, close enough to orb for me.

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!

and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"

Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 01:22 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  i guess what i was trying to do there was reference the float's origins (authentic Japanese floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles) rather than the actual shape, which clearly would be a sphere after re-purposing by the glass shop but maybe that isn't clear enough. food for thought!
and thank you for the ideas about the title, much appreciated.

"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"
Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

(10-02-2014, 11:46 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 06:59 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
"floats from around the 1920s were typically made from recycled sake bottles"
Oh! Didn't know that. I stand corrected.

well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

Were that life, could be cleaned up in the edit.
Or, maybe, that's what death's for.

(10-02-2014, 12:17 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 11:46 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(10-02-2014, 10:57 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  well to be fair, the way you read it might have been confusing. i'll try to clean that up in the edit. 

Were that life, could be cleaned up in the edit.
Or, maybe, that's what death's for.

YOU ARE THE GOD OF FOOD!!

i just really really wanted to say that. and since this is my thread, i do what i want 

but seriously, your original comment made me look at that strophe differently. thank you for that.

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth
green foam and glass fishing floats.how many because i'd have thought more than one or two unusual. would and a glass f... give a clearer image? the the open couplet starts with the poem off well
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs
until I spot a small celadon orb. a suggestion would be [where] [until] gives an an impression you were looking for something specific.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns. this is where the confusion with glass lies, if you put this together with the glass floats you come up with glass float, in truth while both serve the same purpose they are very different. floats but different materials.
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye. great down to earth finish,



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

(10-02-2014, 03:04 PM)billy Wrote:  i feel like i've read this before. mmm; like a mule i read all the glass to and fro's and have no problem as far as glass goes, apart from a couple of your replies. i have seen glass fishing flouts and they're almost round but,and this is a big but there's no connection with celadon and glass. celadon is pottery with a green glaze and their saki bottles can be round with a very small neck for the cork to fit. i see nowhere in the poem where you mentioned the celadon was glass so celadon works well for me. the title while obvious in connection to the poem works well enough to stay. i enjoyed the poem and the friendly sarcasm at the end.  so just a few nits for me.

(10-01-2014, 01:41 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  beachcombing*

At high tide, the sea spews forth
green foam and glass fishing floats.how many because i'd have thought more than one or two unusual. would and a glass f... give a clearer image? the the open couplet starts with the poem off well
 
We wait for the waters to recede,
tiptoe around anemones and crabs
until I spot a small celadon orb. a suggestion would be [where] [until] gives an an impression you were looking for something specific.
 
She says it belongs to a Japanese goddess,
her eyes plucked out by a vengeful lover
and cast into the deep.
 
I see nothing more
than a recycled old sake bottle
etched with sand and netting patterns. this is where the confusion with glass lies, if you put this together with the glass floats you come up with glass float, in truth while both serve the same purpose they are very different. floats but different materials.  
 
Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye. great down to earth finish,



*not really tied to the title, in fact i hate it but can't think of anything better. suggestions?

(10-03-2014, 05:16 PM)billy Wrote:  much clearer now though i do miss the celadon bottle image. and i do like spews forth.