Beaten Bones of Teak and Steel (a sonnet)
#4
Hey alatos,

Firstly, I'm very much in the learning bracket when it comes to scansion. that said here goes;
I think you're aiming for iambic pentameter as the majority of your lines have hit that rhythm correctly. You do have some inconsistencies however. Some three beat feet I can see and some lines with too many inversions.

I've taken a shot at scanning this below. Please absolutely do not assume I am correct though. Hopefully someone (Milo or Leanne maybe) will fully scan this for you and we can both learn something. Smile

From a content perspective I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Apt and concise imagery, and your final line solidly cements the subtle personification of the wreck throughout.

I hope this critique is of some use, and I'll keep an eye out for any edits or revisions.
Any questions, shout.
Thanks a lot, t


(01-22-2014, 01:47 PM)alatos Wrote:  Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee - trochaic pentameter

weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
trochee / trochee / trochee / spondee / iamb
of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
Amphibrach / trochee / anapest / trochee
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
iamb / iamb / amphibrach / anapest
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
Antibacchic / anapest / iamb / iamb
She was the best, of new design, the pride
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.
iamb / iamb / bacchic / anapest
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
Trochee / anapest / trochee / anapest
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
a monument to those poor men who died,
iamb / iamb / iamb / spondee / iamb - iambic pentameter
the only witness of their helpless cries.
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter, (on a sperate point "to" in place of "of" better suits the rhythm
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Messages In This Thread
RE: Beaten Bones of Teak and Steel (a sonnet) - by tomoffing - 01-28-2014, 10:42 AM



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