Rejected (Version 1)

[Mikeodial]

Years race by whilst I hide in a house I once owned,
squatting silently, steadily building my fakeness; undetected.
For ages, children growing, we remain indiscernible and ghostly visions to new occupants.
Like The Borrowers … below ground.

Suddenly found, we shock the owners, finding an infestation of pests,
which is us,
disturbing the peace of their lives.

Plagiarizing even time, insincere thoughts,
driven by self-pleasure and adrenaline alone.
I reject reality … and create a counterfeit one.
Living for each moment rented, but unpaid, undeserved.


ORIGINAL DRAFT


Hiding in the house,
lived in for many years.
A ghostly vision to new owners,
taking something for a long time, not mine to take.

Making myself known,
shocks the family there;
the fakeness of a life.
Lived as a true fake.

Borrowed time, insincere thoughts,
driven by self-pleasure and adrenaline alone.
True rejection of reality … and God.
Living for each moment rented, but unpaid, undeserved.

[Erthona]

Kind of disjointed and lacking in clarity. Need to reinsert the pronouns.

I was Hiding in the house,
that I had lived in for many years.

Kind of difficult to make sense out of otherwise.

Dale

[clemonz]

Hiding in the house,
I had lived in for many years.

would probably suffice clarity wise, without a pronoun at the start it's likely that you are talking about yourself anyway, and you've done enough given that there's more lines to come.

[Mikeodial]

Years race by whilst I hide in a house I once owned,
squatting silently, steadily building my fakeness; undetected.
For ages, children growing, we remain indiscernible and ghostly visions to new occupants.
Like The Borrowers … below ground.

Suddenly found, we shock the owners, finding an infestation of pests,
which is us,
disturbing the peace of their lives.

Plagiarizing even time, insincere thoughts,
driven by self-pleasure and adrenaline alone.
I reject reality … and create a counterfeit one.
Living for each moment rented, but unpaid, undeserved.

[Zainabk]

Thanks for sharing your poem. Are you a maggot in the poem? I would rather it come out through words and action than you telling us.

[Mikeodial]

Thanks for sharing your poem. Are you a maggot in the poem? I would rather it come out through words and action than you telling us.

I guess metaphorically that could be true... ;-) Certainly not literally.

The intention is more of living a "false self" which leads to a discovery of "true self" when recognizing the falseness of a life not lived as well as it could be.

[tomoffing]

Hi mike,

With a few quick reads, I'm interpreting as follows;
Stanza one: You own the house, becoming a parent you realise opportunities missed and start to create your falsehood.
Your children grow somewhat oblivious to you being there

Stanza 2: as adolescents they now consider you a pest

Stanza 3: I'm reading your first lines as criticisms of their behaviour/life
And in light of these you create an alternative reality for yourself.
Your final line is this reality, but at the same time a wider symbol of all our lives.


Let me know if this makes sense and I'll give you some more detailed feedback in light of that.
Thanks for the read.

[Mikeodial]

Hi mike,

With a few quick reads, I'm interpreting as follows;
Stanza one: You own the house, becoming a parent you realise opportunities missed and start to create your falsehood.
Your children grow somewhat oblivious to you being there

Stanza 2: as adolescents they now consider you a pest

Stanza 3: I'm reading your first lines as criticisms of their behaviour/life
And in light of these you create an alternative reality for yourself.
Your final line is this reality, but at the same time a wider symbol of all our lives.


Let me know if this makes sense and I'll give you some more detailed feedback in light of that.
Thanks for the read.

Very interesting interpretation. My intention in the poem was really about living beyond your means and what happens when you let that take over your life. Living a "false self".

[alatos]

After hearing your explanation of the meaning of the poem, it made sense. But before that, I was totally lost. Now I'm not the best at reading poetry, so take that with a grain of salt. But it seemed very vague. I think it's interesting, but needs more clarity and maybe some more concreteness so the reader can get a better sense of what you're talking about. But again, this is just my two cents. I'm a beginner with poetry so I might be totally wrong.

[tomoffing]

Hi mike,

With a few quick reads, I'm interpreting as follows;
Stanza one: You own the house, becoming a parent you realise opportunities missed and start to create your falsehood.
Your children grow somewhat oblivious to you being there

Stanza 2: as adolescents they now consider you a pest

Stanza 3: I'm reading your first lines as criticisms of their behaviour/life
And in light of these you create an alternative reality for yourself.
Your final line is this reality, but at the same time a wider symbol of all our lives.


Let me know if this makes sense and I'll give you some more detailed feedback in light of that.
Thanks for the read.

Very interesting interpretation. My intention in the poem was really about living beyond your means and what happens when you let that take over your life. Living a "false self".

okay, we're on the same page now.
I can see your intent more clearly with the explanation but some elements make this really difficult to discern.

You shift from I to we to children, to the owners, to pests, which is us, and then back to yourself in the first person.
This is a lot to consume then interpret as a single persona or character type. It's muddled.

I really like the owner/renter metaphor. I'd keep that.

Maybe you can capture this better by choosing 2 of your characters/personas to represent fake and the real.
Present both in contrast (even conflict with each other perhaps) then draw the reader to the conclusion that they are in fact the same person.

I hope that's in some way useful.

Best of luck, you have some strong images and potent emotion here. Keep at this one.

t

[5th Flow Boy]

The focus of the poem is skewed by your verbiage. I disagree with some of the earlier posts in regards to restructuring of the first two stanzas. I am unclear about the overall moot point the poem represents however, it promotes a mystery factor and deeper read that leaves the reader longing for a bit more.