Beaten Bones of Teak and Steel (a sonnet)

[alatos]

Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
She was the best, of new design, the pride
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
a monument to those poor men who died,
the only witness of their helpless cries.

[ellajam]

Hi, this one didn't hit me the way some of your other sonnets have. I'm no expert, but the meter doesn't seem to be consistent enough to pull me through, and it lacks the personal touch that often works so well for me when reading your work.

I hope someone else can be more helpful.

Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
She was the best, of new design, the pride
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
a monument to those poor men who died,
the only witness of their helpless cries.

[beaufort]

Can't resist a sonnet, though no expert, here goes:

Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone
in weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites
the sound of riggings blown in the wind.
Thin the mast; the ropes once firmly wound...

of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
She was the best, of new design, the prideleave out "the"
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.this line and the next, to my ear, need one less (I don't know poetry language, but you have six stresses instead of five if that matters to you) Spain would work for line 5 instead of Portugal
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
a monument to those poor men who died,
the only witness of their helpless cries. Great ending

Please know that this is just my opinion, take or leave. I think it will be great after a bit of tweaking on the rhythm. I'm trying to learn more poetry-speak so hope my comments are half-way clear. Linda[b]

[tomoffing]

Hey alatos,

Firstly, I'm very much in the learning bracket when it comes to scansion. that said here goes;
I think you're aiming for iambic pentameter as the majority of your lines have hit that rhythm correctly. You do have some inconsistencies however. Some three beat feet I can see and some lines with too many inversions.

I've taken a shot at scanning this below. Please absolutely do not assume I am correct though. Hopefully someone (Milo or Leanne maybe) will fully scan this for you and we can both learn something.

From a content perspective I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Apt and concise imagery, and your final line solidly cements the subtle personification of the wreck throughout.

I hope this critique is of some use, and I'll keep an eye out for any edits or revisions.
Any questions, shout.
Thanks a lot, t

Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee - trochaic pentameter
weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
trochee / trochee / trochee / spondee / iamb
of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
Amphibrach / trochee / anapest / trochee
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
iamb / iamb / amphibrach / anapest
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
Antibacchic / anapest / iamb / iamb
She was the best, of new design, the pride
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.
iamb / iamb / bacchic / anapest
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
Trochee / anapest / trochee / anapest
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
a monument to those poor men who died,
iamb / iamb / iamb / spondee / iamb - iambic pentameter
the only witness of their helpless cries.
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter, (on a sperate point "to" in place of "of" better suits the rhythm

[alatos]

Hey alatos,

Firstly, I'm very much in the learning bracket when it comes to scansion. that said here goes;
I think you're aiming for iambic pentameter as the majority of your lines have hit that rhythm correctly. You do have some inconsistencies however. Some three beat feet I can see and some lines with too many inversions.

I've taken a shot at scanning this below. Please absolutely do not assume I am correct though. Hopefully someone (Milo or Leanne maybe) will fully scan this for you and we can both learn something.

From a content perspective I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Apt and concise imagery, and your final line solidly cements the subtle personification of the wreck throughout.

I hope this critique is of some use, and I'll keep an eye out for any edits or revisions.
Any questions, shout.
Thanks a lot, t

Beaten bones of teak and steel, alone in
trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee / trochee - trochaic pentameter
weeds and dunes, decay. Their last rites the sound
trochee / trochee / trochee / spondee / iamb
of rigging blowing in the wind. Grown thin
Amphibrach / trochee / anapest / trochee
the ancient mast; the ropes once firmly wound
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
on cleats now lie unraveled on the deck.
iamb / iamb / amphibrach / anapest
The captain dead. The crew as well. Around,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
a scene of barren seas and skies. The wreck
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
sinks slowly on her side into the sands.
Antibacchic / anapest / iamb / iamb
She was the best, of new design, the pride
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb iambic pentameter
of Portugal. She went down with all hands.
iamb / iamb / bacchic / anapest
Mangled on the reef, carried by the tide
Trochee / anapest / trochee / anapest
onto the beach. Unseen by human eyes,
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter
a monument to those poor men who died,
iamb / iamb / iamb / spondee / iamb - iambic pentameter
the only witness of their helpless cries.
iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb - iambic pentameter, (on a sperate point "to" in place of "of" better suits the rhythm

Thank you so much. That is extremely helpful. I'll revise and get back to you.