Forever and evrah

[250xflo]

Hi guys, I'm new here and this really isn't my thing as I'm not very good at all but I thought I might post something I wrote in hope of getting my partner back. I have never done anything like this before so you critics can go nuts on me and the "forever and evrah" part is an "inside" thing between us.

I wrote your name in the sand,
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,
You make me smile and make me cry,
Without you I feel like I will die,
To me your my first and only love,
But now as I stare at the sky above,
I see how I treated you and made you hurt,
I made you feel smaller than a grain of dirt,
For that I am sorry, disgusted and ashamed,
And I know that I am the one to be blamed,
Now I feel like an empty shell,
And my heart hurts, it's as painful as hell,
I promise I'm trying and I'm holding on to hope,
As this is the way I can cope,
I was stupid and dumb,
Immature and young,
I played with fire and yes I got burnt,
But I promise that from my lesson I have learnt,
I want to start over as this can't be the end,
You are my partner, my lover and by far my bestfriend,
If you are willing to forgive but not to forget,
I swear I'll make you happy and my life I will bet.
I wrote your name in the sand but it was stolen by the tide,
You wrote your name in my heart where forever and evrah it will reside

I miss you...

---

Just had a read through some others and mine is very different so I apologise in advance haha, I just wrote down what came to mind, it took about 15 minutes. As I said this is really out of my comfort zone, I'm a 20 year old tree lopper who rides dirt bikes haha so sorry for my sloppiness

[jdguyb]

The rhyming only seems forced in some areas. But otherwise I really like this poem. Your rhyming scheme is nice keep it up!
I only wish there was more imagery. It's hard to see what your saying.

[TheWall0912]

Hi guys, I'm new here and this really isn't my thing as I'm not very good at all but I thought I might post something I wrote in hope of getting my partner back. I have never done anything like this before so you critics can go nuts on me and the "forever and evrah" part is an "inside" thing between us.

I wrote your name in the sand,
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,
You make me smile and make me cry,
Without you I feel like I will die,
To me your my first and only love,
But now as I stare at the sky above,
I see how I treated you and made you hurt,
I made you feel smaller than a grain of dirt,
For that I am sorry, disgusted and ashamed,
And I know that I am the one to be blamed,
Now I feel like an empty shell,
And my heart hurts, it's as painful as hell, The rhyme feels forced here, maybe try "my heart residing in a painful hell"
I promise I'm trying and I'm holding on to hope,
As this is the way I can cope,
I was stupid and dumb,
Immature and young,
I played with fire and yes I got burnt,
But I promise that from my lesson I have learnt,
I want to start over as this can't be the end,
You are my partner, my lover and by far my bestfriend,
If you are willing to forgive but not to forget,
I swear I'll make you happy and my life I will bet. Just a suggestion, "I'll make you happier than you've ever been yet"
I wrote your name in the sand but it was stolen by the tide,
You wrote your name in my heart where forever and evrah it will reside

I miss you...

---

Just had a read through some others and mine is very different so I apologise in advance haha, I just wrote down what came to mind, it took about 15 minutes. As I said this is really out of my comfort zone, I'm a 20 year old tree lopper who rides dirt bikes haha so sorry for my sloppiness

I agree that some rhymes feel forced. I would play around with the wording on a few lines, definitely try to show a picture. I really like the way that you started and ended with the same picture of the name in the sand, maybe try to stick with that theme? It might be worth it to play around with it and try to compare your relationship to this name in the sand and how the water came and washed it away but that you want to rewrite it in a safer place. Just an idea. Not sure if you care about having any cliches in your writing but you have a few that you might want to look at and remove. Overall it's a good start, just needs some tweaking. You can also play around with the meter, poems generally flow more if the couplets have the same number of syllables. That's what I try to do when I write poems where the couplets rhyme. For example:

I wrote your name in the sand,
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,

could be...

Your name written in the sand,
you and I stand hand in hand,
I loved you each day and night,
even when I made us fight,

Good luck with the editing! I'm sure this person will like it since it came from the heart.

[250xflo]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I really feel like this is something I would like to practice and its quite a good outlet

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I really feel like this is something I would like to practice and its quite a good outlet

please give feedback on poetry elsewhere on the forum./mod

[250xflo]

Okay no worries as long as no one takes offence to taking feedback from a newbie

[billy]

we'd love to see it. try not to say "wow" though just tell us why something works or doesn't work or why you like or don't like it to get into giving feedback

---

we're fine if you give it in the novice forum as well

[250xflo]

Haha no worries I'll give it a go.

[billy]

for a newb the feedback you gave is okay for the novice forum, as your poetry improves so will your feedback (keep giving it as it will also help your poetry. )
four major points to look out for,
cliche ( a phrase that has become common and worn out by overuse) to get round cliche you can alter them or use metaphor, simile or other poetic
meter, and images, but there something to look at once you sort out the cliche problems
end rhymes. most of then are too obvious.
i have some links at the bottom of this post, give them a read, they will help your poetry

what does evrah mean ?

hope i wasn't too hard on you i know from my own experience feedback can be a bit of blow

I wrote your name in the sand, this is a cliche, it's a phrase that's been used over and over , try and write original lines and example would be, i strung your name round my neck; most cliche can be changed to something original. many of the other lines are cliche as well.
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,
You make me smile and make me cry,
Without you I feel like I will die,
To me your my first and only love,
But now as I stare at the sky above,
I see how I treated you and made you hurt,
I made you feel smaller than a grain of dirt,
For that I am sorry, disgusted and ashamed,
And I know that I am the one to be blamed,
Now I feel like an empty shell,
And my heart hurts, it's as painful as hell,
I promise I'm trying and I'm holding on to hope,
As this is the way I can cope,
I was stupid and dumb,
Immature and young,
I played with fire and yes I got burnt,
But I promise that from my lesson I have learnt,
I want to start over as this can't be the end,
You are my partner, my lover and by far my bestfriend,
If you are willing to forgive but not to forget,
I swear I'll make you happy and my life I will bet.
I wrote your name in the sand but it was stolen by the tide,
You wrote your name in my heart where forever and evrah it will reside

I miss you...

---

Just had a read through some others and mine is very different so I apologise in advance haha, I just wrote down what came to mind, it took about 15 minutes. As I said this is really out of my comfort zone, I'm a 20 year old tree lopper who rides dirt bikes haha so sorry for my sloppiness

[250xflo]

No offence taken haha, the feedback is great! I had a read through the links and its helped a lot.

"Forever and evrah" is just a thing we used to say to each other, just between us. This poem was just something I wrote to her, I had no intension of posting it online but then I came across this forum so I thought why not? May become a new hobby of mine

[billy]

if it does become a hobby, read all you can, write all you can and give as much feedback as you can.

[Bekkere]

I wrote your name in the sand,*
Then turned to have you hold my hand,
I loved you every day and night,
Even when I made us fight,
You make me smile and make me cry,
Without you I feel like I will die,
To me your my first and only love,
But now as I stare at the sky above,
I see how I treated you and made you hurt,
I made you feel smaller than a grain of dirt,
For that I am sorry, disgusted and ashamed,
And I know that I am the one to be blamed,
Now I feel like an empty shell,
And my heart hurts, it's as painful as hell,
I promise I'm trying and I'm holding on to hope,
As this is the way I can cope,
I was stupid and dumb,
Immature and young,
I played with fire and yes I got burnt,*
But I promise that from my lesson I have learnt,
I want to start over as this can't be the end,
You are my partner, my lover and by far my bestfriend,
If you are willing to forgive but not to forget,*
I swear I'll make you happy and my life I will bet.
I wrote your name in the sand but it was stolen by the tide,
You wrote your name in my heart where forever and evrah it will reside

I miss you...

Hey 250xflo, I'm bec and I'm also a novice (so please expect a novice critique!). I just joined this site tonight and as far as feed back goes I would just say this is a very cute poem and its definitely got a lot of heart. The only thing that I don't like about it is the couple of cliche lines that ive heard before like "I played with fire and yes I got burnt', 'I wrote your name in the sand'. It also feels repetitive, its not that your saying the same thing but its kinda the same tone all the way through if that makes sense.

[250xflo]

Hey Bec, thanks for the feedback! It's funny how much the flaws stand out once they have been pointed out to me haha, I don't think I'm going to revise this one only because I have sent it to her but keep the feedback coming! It's great for my next attempt at a different one.