Sharing the Last Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
the longing of lips parted
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
to want another.

 

OThat is also how I feel about cuties.
Xo,
Val

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin
 
Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

That is also how I feel about cuties.
Xo,
Val

A whole bowl full, no doubt!

(09-10-2024, 10:21 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  That is also how I feel about cuties.
Xo,
Val

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin
 
Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

This is not an appropriate response in the "Intensive" forum. - Admin

Hi Bryn,
I like the idea but it falls a little flat, for me. The way things are spelled out in the final three lines leaves the reader nothing to do. And that a citrus fruit should smell of citrus is no revelation. What would happen if you started from here

so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent is a sweetness
on the tongue

and kept going?


Best, Knot


.

[quote="Knot" pid='271055' dateline='1725976767']
Hi Bryn,
I like the idea but it falls a little flat, for me. The way things are spelled out in the final three lines leaves the reader nothing to do. And that a citrus fruit should smell of citrus is no revelation. What would happen if you started from here

so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent is a sweetness
on the tongue

and kept going?


Best, Knot

---

Of course your arrangement is annoyingly good.    I will keep working at it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Bryn

posted edit

Hi Bryn.

At the risk of annoying yet further.


so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue;
How delicious it is
wanting another.

Maybe think about an alternative to 'delicious'?

Best, Knot.


.

(09-14-2024, 09:52 PM)Knot Wrote:  Hi Bryn.

At the risk of annoying yet further.


so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue;
How delicious it is
wanting another.

Maybe think about an alternative to 'delicious'?

Best, Knot.


.

Hey Knot,

May I ask what it is about the first bit that you don't like?  I think it helps the reader get into the scene a little with the visual, then some tactile sensory and on to the taste.  Tried to extend the metaphor some with the coverings.

I'm disappointed you don't like delicious.  I find it to be, well...delicious!  So fun to say, a little randy sounding plus it offers some nice enjambment, IMO.  Of course I will consider but I'm at a loss right now.

Thanks for the repeated suggestions.
Bryn

I'm glad "citrus" got dumped because it was too expected: "scent becomes sweetness" is much better. I'm going to stand up for delicious. It's exactly what you say it is, playful and it carries the implication of sex that is set up by the rest of the poem. 

xo,
Val

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
wanting another.
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

Hi Bryn.

May I ask what it is about the first bit that you don't like?
Ask away.
I think it helps the reader get into the scene a little with the visual, then some tactile sensory and on to the taste.
Well, the title tells me what the fruit is so the opening line isn't adding anything. Then there's the question, and obviously everyone will have their own preferences, of just how enticing the word 'squat' is. For me, not very. And since the colour of the skin has little (if anything) to do with whether it's pliant or not, again it's unnecessary.


I find it to be, well...delicious!  So fun to say, a little randy sounding plus it offers some nice enjambment, IMO.
If it works for you keep it. I think it's a good final couplet, the enjambment works, but maybe there's a little more savouring to do before you reach it?

Something by way of an example (not a serious suggestion)

so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue;
and the eyes closing
on a memory of the first time
...
...
...

How delicious it is
wanting another.


Best, Knot

.

I love this poem Bryn.
The joker in me is asking myself why isn't called "cuties" those name brand citrus. When I was a baker we used zest from most citruses in doughnuts glazes. 

Your poem could be taken racially at first glance depending on your ethic background you might take some grief, though it is your risk to take.
You making it a proper noun in the title makes it up to the reader.

man·da·rin1
noun
noun: Mandarin Chinese; noun: Mandarin; noun: mandarin; plural noun: mandarins
1.
the standard literary and official form of Chinese based on the Beijing dialect, spoken by over 730 million people.
"Mandarin Chinese"
2.
an official in any of the nine top grades of the former imperial Chinese civil service.
(especially of clothing) characteristic or supposedly characteristic of mandarin officials.
modifier noun: mandarin
"a red-buttoned mandarin cap"
an ornament consisting of a nodding figure in traditional Chinese dress, typically made of porcelain.
porcelain decorated with Chinese figures dressed as mandarins.
3.
a powerful official or senior bureaucrat, especially one perceived as reactionary and secretive.
"a civil service mandarin

I feel like the easily underdressed is thought provoking though I know some who can't feel even peel a "Cutie".

I like the idea of adding the saying"anyone can uncover/ undress / ect"
Might work better with a potential double meaning.

Anyways I do love this poem. Being in many BIPOC led projects appropriation is a very real issue in Montana. If you are Chinese  completely ignore me.

I'm always hesitant to give criticism in this forum but I thought it'd be interesting to know my thoughts bare minimum.

The poem does have some strong imagery, but I think there are a few areas that could be improved.

For one, the imagery of the mandarin fruit is vivid, but the overall narrative comes across as a bit straightforward. The sensual descriptions are effective, but they would benefit from more complexity or subtlety to deepen the reader’s engagement.

Additionally, the transition from the physical description to the emotional experience feels a bit abrupt. It might be more impactful if there were a stronger connection or build-up between the sensory details and the final emotional reflection.

Overall, while the imagery is strong, the poem might gain more depth with a more nuanced exploration of the emotional aspects and a more dynamic structure.

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting …. A good choice of words… onomatopoeic 
skin orange so pliant, …removing ‘in the bowl’ has helped tighten it up 
so easily undressed- … great line 
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness ..: much better than ‘citrus’
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is … I love ‘coverings left forgotten’ as it is a link back to the ‘undressed’ and completes the poem.
wanting another. … the end is a bit banal. A comma might introduce ambiguity and cleverness, but not a lot of it  
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

It’s almost perfect.
The ending is a bit weak. It is a delicious expectation, or it is delicious, and the narrator wants one more, is an ambiguity that a comma can introduce. But it feels anticlimactic. There is no clever observation on the human condition, or a wise morality tale. Or just something extremely clever.

That’s my only gripe. Quite perfect otherwise.

(09-15-2024, 01:15 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  I'm glad "citrus" got dumped because it was too expected: "scent becomes sweetness" is much better. I'm going to stand up for delicious. It's exactly what you say it is, playful and it carries the implication of sex that is set up by the rest of the poem. 

xo,
Val

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
wanting another.
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

Hi Val,
Glad you liked the edits.  I finally got the 'cuties' reference you made earlier from Bunx's comments.  Thought you were referring to cute people, Ha!
Thanks for rereading,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 03:06 AM)Bunx Wrote:  I love this poem Bryn.
The joker in me is asking myself why isn't called "cuties" those name brand citrus. When I was a baker we used zest from most citruses in doughnuts glazes. 

Your poem could be taken racially at first glance depending on your ethic background you might take some grief, though it is your risk to take.
You making it a proper noun in the title makes it up to the reader.

man·da·rin1
noun
noun: Mandarin Chinese; noun: Mandarin; noun: mandarin; plural noun: mandarins
1.
the standard literary and official form of Chinese based on the Beijing dialect, spoken by over 730 million people.
"Mandarin Chinese"
2.
an official in any of the nine top grades of the former imperial Chinese civil service.
(especially of clothing) characteristic or supposedly characteristic of mandarin officials.
modifier noun: mandarin
"a red-buttoned mandarin cap"
an ornament consisting of a nodding figure in traditional Chinese dress, typically made of porcelain.
porcelain decorated with Chinese figures dressed as mandarins.
3.
a powerful official or senior bureaucrat, especially one perceived as reactionary and secretive.
"a civil service mandarin

I feel like the easily underdressed is thought provoking though I know some who can't feel even peel a "Cutie".

I like the idea of adding the saying"anyone can uncover/ undress / ect"
Might work better with a potential double meaning.

Anyways I do love this poem. Being in many BIPOC led projects appropriation is a very real issue in Montana. If you are Chinese  completely ignore me.

I'm always hesitant to give criticism in this forum but I thought it'd be interesting to know my thoughts bare minimum.

Hi Bunx,
Your avatar name produces some interesting auto spellchecks!  Anyway, glad you like the poem.  I am not Chinese but I think, other than the title, it is clear the narrator is referring to fruit and not a people.  Unless 'Mandarin' is a derogatory term I am not aware of, I will let it stand for now.  Though, I am thinking of changing the title, but I'm not sure it will alleviate your concerns. 
Take care,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 03:42 AM)DeluxDelightful Wrote:  The poem does have some strong imagery, but I think there are a few areas that could be improved.

For one, the imagery of the mandarin fruit is vivid, but the overall narrative comes across as a bit straightforward. The sensual descriptions are effective, but they would benefit from more complexity or subtlety to deepen the reader’s engagement.

Additionally, the transition from the physical description to the emotional experience feels a bit abrupt. It might be more impactful if there were a stronger connection or build-up between the sensory details and the final emotional reflection.

Overall, while the imagery is strong, the poem might gain more depth with a more nuanced exploration of the emotional aspects and a more dynamic structure.

Hey Delux,

Thanks for reading and commenting.  Also, welcome to the site.  I see your point and I think it relates to Busker's comments about the ending.  Do you have any specific suggestions?  I am also interested to know what you mean by 'dynamic structure'.
Thanks again,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 06:30 AM)busker Wrote:  

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting …. A good choice of words… onomatopoeic 
skin orange so pliant, …removing ‘in the bowl’ has helped tighten it up 
so easily undressed- … great line 
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness ..: much better than ‘citrus’
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is … I love ‘coverings left forgotten’ as it is a link back to the ‘undressed’ and completes the poem.
wanting another. … the end is a bit banal. A comma might introduce ambiguity and cleverness, but not a lot of it  
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

It’s almost perfect.
The ending is a bit weak. It is a delicious expectation, or it is delicious, and the narrator wants one more, is an ambiguity that a comma can introduce. But it feels anticlimactic. There is no clever observation on the human condition, or a wise morality tale. Or just something extremely clever.

That’s my only gripe. Quite perfect otherwise.

Hi Busker,
Thanks for the comments.  Ah, the ending.  I guess I am expecting too much from 'another' without setting up the subtext enough like Delux and Knot were getting at.  Maybe changing the title to 'The Last Mandarin' might add something, but would push it further from my intended subtext.  I also am considering changing it to 'Sharing the Last Mandarin' which adds necessity of changing the poem to accommodate.
Maybe almost perfect is perfect enough!
Thanks again,
Bryn

Hi Steve-
At risk of piling on ....

Sharing the Last Mandarin maybe 'an Orange' ?? Yes, a Madarin is a type of orange, but
just going with 'an Orange' would resolve a later issue I comment on, below:

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant, skin 'orange' stops me cold every time I read it
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh don't need the repetition of 'skin', me thinks
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten How delicious it is the bolded part could be left out
wanting another.

You know me, the fewer the words, the better the effect, and that is particularly true of this one. Re-working the line breaks would be necessary, too. A little less and it could be a gorgeous poem (for me).

Mark

The title change is perfect!
Also my thoughts are just that. I feel like it's not people like me you need to worry about concerning. I am very cautious with Native American symbology because in Montana so many white (fine arts mainly) artists make a killing off of reproducing Native American art techniques and symbols. I know
Authors, tattoo artists, have done the same for Asians cultures.

The biggest argument is that it takes away indigenous people to tell and display their own history. Asian Americans got a lot of prejudice since COVID 19 due to the GOP blaming them for the pandemic.

Anyways adding last to the title in my opinion was all it needed

(09-16-2024, 09:47 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi Steve-
At risk of piling on ....    Ha! Glad you joined the party!

Sharing the Last Mandarin  maybe 'an Orange' ?? Yes, a Madarin is a type of orange, but
just going with 'an Orange' would resolve a later issue I comment on, below:     I've resisted adding 'orange' in the title cause they are so common and a little boring.  Also, often hard to peel

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,  skin 'orange' stops me cold every time I read it  Funny, this is one of my favorite lines for some reason.  I guess I like the rhythm of it.
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh  don't need the repetition of 'skin', me thinks  I was wondering when someone would point that out.  I left it in cause no one was commenting on it and I didn't even notice for a long time.  I think it might be better to get rid of the first one somehow.  Pondering...
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings 
left forgotten  How delicious it is  the bolded part could be left out
wanting another.

You know me, the fewer the words, the better the effect, and that is particularly true of this one. Re-working the line breaks would be necessary, too. A little less and it could be a gorgeous poem (for me).  You mean more gorgeous, right.  

Mark

HI Mark,
Thanks for adding your take.  As with all of these, I have some competing opinions about different but overlapping issues.  Gets tricky.  You want to cut, others want to add.  There are pro/cons of each.  I guess I have some decisions to make!
Take care,
steve

---

(09-17-2024, 12:00 AM)Bunx Wrote:  The title change is perfect!
Also my thoughts are just that. I feel like it's not people like me you need to worry about concerning. I am very cautious with Native American symbology because in Montana so many white (fine arts mainly) artists make a killing off of reproducing Native American art techniques and symbols. I know
Authors, tattoo artists, have done the same for Asians cultures.

The biggest argument is that it takes away indigenous people to tell and display their own history. Asian Americans got a lot of prejudice since COVID 19 due to the GOP blaming them for the pandemic.

Anyways adding last to the title in my opinion was all it needed

Hi Bunx,

I like the 'last' addition, as well, but title might change again!  Thanks for the thoughts on appropriation.  I had never really thought about it in the way you explained.  I just knew that it bothered some people and accepted that without really understanding why.  If you have more thoughts on this we should probably move to a discussion forum, though.
Take care, 
Bryn

(09-16-2024, 11:29 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  

(09-15-2024, 01:15 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  I'm glad "citrus" got dumped because it was too expected: "scent becomes sweetness" is much better. I'm going to stand up for delicious. It's exactly what you say it is, playful and it carries the implication of sex that is set up by the rest of the poem. 

xo,
Val

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
wanting another.
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

Hi Val,
Glad you liked the edits.  I finally got the 'cuties' reference you made earlier from Bunx's comments.  Thought you were referring to cute people, Ha!
Thanks for rereading,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 03:06 AM)Bunx Wrote:  I love this poem Bryn.
The joker in me is asking myself why isn't called "cuties" those name brand citrus. When I was a baker we used zest from most citruses in doughnuts glazes. 

Your poem could be taken racially at first glance depending on your ethic background you might take some grief, though it is your risk to take.
You making it a proper noun in the title makes it up to the reader.

man·da·rin1
noun
noun: Mandarin Chinese; noun: Mandarin; noun: mandarin; plural noun: mandarins
1.
the standard literary and official form of Chinese based on the Beijing dialect, spoken by over 730 million people.
"Mandarin Chinese"
2.
an official in any of the nine top grades of the former imperial Chinese civil service.
(especially of clothing) characteristic or supposedly characteristic of mandarin officials.
modifier noun: mandarin
"a red-buttoned mandarin cap"
an ornament consisting of a nodding figure in traditional Chinese dress, typically made of porcelain.
porcelain decorated with Chinese figures dressed as mandarins.
3.
a powerful official or senior bureaucrat, especially one perceived as reactionary and secretive.
"a civil service mandarin

I feel like the easily underdressed is thought provoking though I know some who can't feel even peel a "Cutie".

I like the idea of adding the saying"anyone can uncover/ undress / ect"
Might work better with a potential double meaning.

Anyways I do love this poem. Being in many BIPOC led projects appropriation is a very real issue in Montana. If you are Chinese  completely ignore me.

I'm always hesitant to give criticism in this forum but I thought it'd be interesting to know my thoughts bare minimum.

Hi Bunx,
Your avatar name produces some interesting auto spellchecks!  Anyway, glad you like the poem.  I am not Chinese but I think, other than the title, it is clear the narrator is referring to fruit and not a people.  Unless 'Mandarin' is a derogatory term I am not aware of, I will let it stand for now.  Though, I am thinking of changing the title, but I'm not sure it will alleviate your concerns. 
Take care,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 03:42 AM)DeluxDelightful Wrote:  The poem does have some strong imagery, but I think there are a few areas that could be improved.

For one, the imagery of the mandarin fruit is vivid, but the overall narrative comes across as a bit straightforward. The sensual descriptions are effective, but they would benefit from more complexity or subtlety to deepen the reader’s engagement.

Additionally, the transition from the physical description to the emotional experience feels a bit abrupt. It might be more impactful if there were a stronger connection or build-up between the sensory details and the final emotional reflection.

Overall, while the imagery is strong, the poem might gain more depth with a more nuanced exploration of the emotional aspects and a more dynamic structure.

Hey Delux,

Thanks for reading and commenting.  Also, welcome to the site.  I see your point and I think it relates to Busker's comments about the ending.  Do you have any specific suggestions?  I am also interested to know what you mean by 'dynamic structure'.
Thanks again,
Bryn

---

(09-16-2024, 06:30 AM)busker Wrote:  

(09-10-2024, 10:12 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  The Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting …. A good choice of words… onomatopoeic 
skin orange so pliant, …removing ‘in the bowl’ has helped tighten it up 
so easily undressed- … great line 
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness ..: much better than ‘citrus’
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is … I love ‘coverings left forgotten’ as it is a link back to the ‘undressed’ and completes the poem.
wanting another. … the end is a bit banal. A comma might introduce ambiguity and cleverness, but not a lot of it  
 

Squat and plump, inviting
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant;
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash
of cool sweetness across
the tongue.
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption.

It’s almost perfect.
The ending is a bit weak. It is a delicious expectation, or it is delicious, and the narrator wants one more, is an ambiguity that a comma can introduce. But it feels anticlimactic. There is no clever observation on the human condition, or a wise morality tale. Or just something extremely clever.

That’s my only gripe. Quite perfect otherwise.

Hi Busker,
Thanks for the comments.  Ah, the ending.  I guess I am expecting too much from 'another' without setting up the subtext enough like Delux and Knot were getting at.  Maybe changing the title to 'The Last Mandarin' might add something, but would push it further from my intended subtext.  I also am considering changing it to 'Sharing the Last Mandarin' which adds necessity of changing the poem to accommodate.
Maybe almost perfect is perfect enough!
Thanks again,
Bryn

Yes, I can, although, I am only sending out subjective vibes. 

Squat and plum, inviting skin so orange, so yielding,
Thumb’s tip dances, peeling back the sweet, taut flesh,
Scent blooms into nectar, a symphony on the tongue,
Layers of covering, forgotten and abandoned,
The hunger for another, delicious and consuming.

[quote="brynmawr1" pid='271039' dateline='1725930737']
Sharing the Last Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
wanting another.
 
Squat and plump, inviting nice enjambment here and interesting opener 
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant; do we need orange here, we know its orange
so easily undressed- the language becomes sexually suggestive
tip of thumb working
the cleft - ongoing sensual prose and nice enjambment 
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash - is wash the right word? clashes somewhat with the sensuality from before
of cool sweetness across i'd be tempted to lose the word cool - it almost cools down what tension there is
the tongue. taste/sensuality
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption. - interesting ending, because its asking how delicious it is to be made for consumption - some ambiguity here, they love that oranges are made for consumption, or they themselves like to be consumed.

Hi thanks for sharing. 

I really enjoyed the piece
To me it is a sweet and clean piece about sensual pleasure, plenitude - taste and sexual undertones. There may be some commentary about how things are consumed - however that is not fully developed.