crying uncle

[Mark A Becker]

crying uncle

when you say I love you
I value that
as purely transactional

a cold calculation

I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea
of family

currency

You say, “I love you.” I value that
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line.

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar,

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family.

[brynmawr1]

currency

You say, “I love you.” I value that
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line.

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar,

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family.

Hey Mark,
I admire your ability to carry the metaphor throughout the piece.  But you rely a lot on cliche to keep it going after the first couplet.  Which can be fine but it makes an otherwise poignant piece a little kitchy.  It might be better served by abandoning form and letting the content dictate more.
take care,
bryn

[Tiger the Lion]

currency

You say, “I love you.” I value that
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line.

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar,

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family.

Hey Mark,
I admire your ability to carry the metaphor throughout the piece.  But you rely a lot on cliche to keep it going after the first couplet.  Which can be fine but it makes an otherwise poignant piece a little kitchy.  It might be better served by abandoning form and letting the content dictate more.
take care,
bryn

Hey Mark. On first read I had similar thoughts to Bryn. "Pennies on the dollar" in particular is a cliche that I doubt you'd let pass in another's poem. I think this could be strong if you pushed yourself to say less and trust your readers more. 


You say, “I love you.” I value that -personal choice but I find italics more visually appealing than quotes -even if loose grammatically
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line. you can do better here. You don't need me

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar, you can do better here. You don't need me

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family. the idea of 'family' seems to come out of nowhere. 

I'm familiar with a lot of your process and how its sometimes rigidity works very well for you. But I do imagine it stripped down and cavity searched for contraband...

Your 'I Love You'
is transactional,

a calculation.

You sold us cheap

and I no longer find currency     these last 2 lines are tougher to tackle because I'm struggling with their meaning
in your counterfeit idea of family.

I think the lines in purple are the bones of the poem. 

[Mark A Becker]

[quote="Mark A Becker" pid='270479' dateline='1724249477']
Hey Mark,
I admire your ability to carry the metaphor throughout the piece.  But you rely a lot on cliche to keep it going after the first couplet.  Which can be fine but it makes an otherwise poignant piece a little kitchy.  It might be better served by abandoning form and letting the content dictate more.
take care,
bryn

Hi Steve from Brynmar-
I pared down to mitigate the kitch... I hope.

---

Hey Mark. On first read I had similar thoughts to Bryn. "Pennies on the dollar" in particular is a cliche that I doubt you'd let pass in another's poem. I think this could be strong if you pushed yourself to say less and trust your readers more. 

these last 2 lines are tougher to tackle because I'm struggling with their meaning
in your counterfeit idea of family.

Thanks Paul-
I cashed in most of the cliches. Spoiler: those last two lines relate to being viewed as a kind of bank within an extended family.

I aprreciate the advice to edit down, and you know me- I could probably reduce it to spare change.

... Mark

[bianca.a.palmisano]

I do like the switch you made to italics for the quote. I think it can actually stand almost alone, since it's understood that the person is speaking. Something like...

your I love you
is a cold calculation 

transactional

Given space for those lines to breath, I actually want a little more from the last stanza. I agree that family comes out of nowhere. It's not established who the "you" of the poem is-- partner, child, extended relative. Is there a way to establish that while keeping the phrase "counterfeit idea of family" which I think is very strong? Maybe you can bring back the "bond " language (another nice extension of the metaphor) to clarify?

currency

when you say I love you
I value that
as purely transactional

a cold calculation

I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea
of family

currency

You say, “I love you.” I value that
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line.

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar,

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family.

[Bunx]

currency

when you say I love you
I value that
as purely transactional

a cold calculation

I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea
of family

currency

You say, “I love you.” I value that
as purely transactional.

Your calculation of love is based
solely upon your bottom line.

You sold the bond between us
for pennies on the dollar,

and I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea of family.

As far as the poem I love it as if structurally. The meaning I think is double.
If the narrators spouse comes from privilege and money that love might as well be real and genuine in a capitalist society. We all are taught to want more, and do less with our free time equating to "do more to make money". We become indebt to our spouses expectations.

I feel like this poems victim....
It's the tone of the narrator it reads like
A cold contract being broken
By someone broken....

I just wanted to makes these notes to hint at
Where a reader might take this... Falling out of love with privilege and bread winner mentality.

[dukealien]

currency

when you say I love you
I value that
as purely transactional

a cold calculation

I no longer find currency
in your counterfeit idea
of family

Well!  That was a bit depressing.  In intensive critique (and looking at the revision only)...

Looking, first, at the title - that word "currency" does double duty both as medium of exchange and referring to a particular moment in time (now).  Nice.

In S1, the discourse has its turnings/reversals:  the first line could go anywhere, the second admits the speaker is using his own evaluation - not appealing to any universal system (though, again, it could go another way, "value" meaning appreciation or more mechanical weighing).  Then the hammer falls in L3.  Back, forth, down.

S2 underscores that it's option 2 (but also leaves, or should leave, in the back of the reader's mind that the speaker is really exposing his feelings, not necessarily reality).

S3 hammers home both the idea of change over time and cold mechanical evaluation carried forward from the title.  L2 introduces the idea of a false (counterfeit) currency *in the speaker's view* and, finally, L3 drops the hammer again, harder by identifying the standard of value which is now discounted (by the speaker, accusing the "you" toward whom it's directed).  The word "family" is excellent, containing all the potentially valuable and false, hypocritical and sincere possibilities.

On first reading, I followed along with the speaker as reliable witness, then noticed (on second reading) that he's not necessarily truthful - in fact, may be a false accuser.  This equivocation is very fine.

My only substantive suggestion is to change "idea" to "conceit" in S3L2.  Aside from the sound (which first suggested it) this emphasizes the way the speaker thinks of his "you" as conceited and believing in/purveying false ideals (or ideas).

There's a lot in there, and of course it's not certain if one or both of the implied characters is at fault.  The forgone option is neither.

Very nice evocation of a situation that's not nice at all.

[Mark A Becker]

After reading the crits I changed the title for clarity

[Grady VanWright]

I agree that, "pennies for the dollar" it's a bit cliché for this particular type of poem. I would consider other phrasing, otherwise a very good poem.