Sharing the Last Mandarin(edit 2)

[brynmawr1]

[quote="brynmawr1" pid='271039' dateline='1725930737']
Sharing the Last Mandarin

Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten. How delicious it is
wanting another.
 
Squat and plump, inviting nice enjambment here and interesting opener 
in the bowl.
Orange skin, pliant; do we need orange here, we know its orange
so easily undressed- the language becomes sexually suggestive
tip of thumb working
the cleft - ongoing sensual prose and nice enjambment 
of skin and flesh, the scent
of citrus; a wash - is wash the right word? clashes somewhat with the sensuality from before
of cool sweetness across i'd be tempted to lose the word cool - it almost cools down what tension there is
the tongue. taste/sensuality
How delicious it is
to be perfectly made
for consumption. - interesting ending, because its asking how delicious it is to be made for consumption - some ambiguity here, they love that oranges are made for consumption, or they themselves like to be consumed.

Hi thanks for sharing. 

I really enjoyed the piece
To me it is a sweet and clean piece about sensual pleasure, plenitude - taste and sexual undertones. There may be some commentary about how things are consumed - however that is not fully developed.

Hi Libra,

thanks for the comments.  Interestingly you critiqued the original without mentioning the edited version.  Did you miss that version or did you just not like the edited one?
Thanks again,
Bryn

[libra]

Oh lol, sorry Bryn
I totally missed it!

*
Squat, and plump, inviting 
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness this is a nice line
a wash across the tongue; peel coverings the word 'wash' doesn't work for me, it reminds me of washing/showering, may just be me though - 'tongue tingling?' 'surging across the tongue?'
left forgotten abandoned. 
How delicious it is 
to want wanting another.
*

I made some edits which I thought made it smoother, but obviously this is all subjective. The heart of the poem is much the same though. It does feel tighter than the previous version, yet I do feel there could be much more sexual intensity or desire here.

[brynmawr1]

Oh lol, sorry Bryn
I totally missed it!

*
Squat, and plump, inviting 
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness this is a nice line
a wash across the tongue; peel coverings the word 'wash' doesn't work for me, it reminds me of washing/showering, may just be me though - 'tongue tingling?' 'surging across the tongue?'
left forgotten abandoned. 
How delicious it is 
to want wanting another.
*

I made some edits which I thought made it smoother, but obviously this is all subjective. The heart of the poem is much the same though. It does feel tighter than the previous version, yet I do feel there could be much more sexual intensity or desire here.

No worries. thanks for coming back and commenting again.  I made some changes that address some of yours and other's concerns, but not all of them.
Take care,
Bryn