A Young Man's Universe

[Seth31]

The young man's soul is a star
It has shone opportunity upon him.

Realizing this blessing, the young man beams his light across the galaxy
Hoping he will give at least one plant life.

For it is the happiness of a rose that keeps the star burning.

The young man's mind resides in a nebula nearby
It, however, is in ruins; remnants of a once great galaxy.

In the center was once a magnificent sun that emulated with life
But before long its core began to swell with iron.

Then the day came and the roses frowned in despair; the sun had imploded.

Gravity has pushed the two galaxies to collide at the young man's heart
The site where heaven meets hell.

The battle has raged on for the young man's entire life
He's grown tired of fighting; the supernova awaits him.

Yet, for as long there are roses smiling at him, the young man won't give up.

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What do you guys think? Thanks for reading

[YaMarVa]

The use of the universe (the most infinite form yet known) and the soul, a simple star alone in the universe's dictum, is creative canvass to work a poem around.

Take my critiques for what you think they are worth...

Are the two parts ("galaxies") being pushed together by gravity man's soul and mind? If so, at first you call them a star and a nebula; “The young man's soul is a star” … “The young man's mind resides in a nebula nearby”.
But then you call them (the soul/star and mind/nebula) galaxies and that where they meet is in the heart, the same place where heaven and hell come together. “..the two galaxies to collide at the young man's heart The site where heaven meets hell.”

I would stay consistent or describe their change of form from star/nebula to galaxies, or how they accumulated become galaxies.

I will let others critique your form, meter, and method.

[Seth31]

Thank you YaMarVa for replying! Well, I'm trying to say that the soul is a star in one galaxy, while the mind used to be a star in another, but collapsed on itself. So now the mind is in ruins. Gravity has forced these two galaxies to collide. And the heaven meets hell represents the light and life of the soul going against the lifeless ruins of the mind. To clear that up. I can see the how it could get confusing though, I was trying to keep everything straight the best I could as I was writing it

[BrotherKaramazov]

Pretty cool, man. It reminds me of a Bright Eyes song called "Don't Know When But a Day's Gonna Come," or, alternately, Father Zosima's address about light and example and how one person's influence can ripple throughout the universe: "all is like an ocean, all flows and connects; touch it in one place and it echoes at the other end of the world.”

Perhaps you could look into that lyric/chapter and see if it couldn't contribute some feelings or images you could borrow/fortify your poem with.

happy writing!

[Magpie]

Hi Seth, I do understand what you are trying to say here, but I could not help notice the scientific inaccuracies throughout which did distract me from the poem as a whole. Nebulas are not the remnants of a dying galaxy, although galaxies used to be called it is no longer the case since Hubble discovered the true nature of galaxies. It may sound like nit picking; but when using comparisons like the ones you have used then you should be accurate in what you are saying or else the whole poem stands on shaky ground.
That said however, there are some good sentiments expresses throughout.
Not so sure about the phrase "emulated with life" did you mean emanated perhaps?