Melancholy

[Theshindigs]

Melancholy
"Ouch!"
I cried
As you walked swiftly by
your silver tongue had cut my side
I took this chance to run and hide-
and hide, and hide, and hide for days
as this wound festers and this pain stays
this cave of melancholy I've come to love
and seclude myself from those above
.
.
More than once I've thought of leaving,
I'd throw this cloak from my shoulders
and wash this blood from my hair
but why should I be responsible
when it's life that's unfair?
.
.
So I lay in my rags
and weep for my pain
I cry out to god
but it all stays the same.
I look at myself but can't remember my name
my face is bruised and disfigured
the result of my shame
I've become my own prison
bound by my own chains.

[Heartafire]

[quote='Theshindigs' pid='123011' dateline='1365870913']
Melancholy
"Ouch!"
I cried ( might drop this, it doesn't seem to add anything.)
As you walked swiftly by
your silver tongue had cut my side
I took this chance to run and hide-
and hide, and hide, and hide for days
as this wound festers and this pain stays
this cave of melancholy I've come to love
and seclude myself from those above. (okay)
.
More than once I've thought of leaving,
I'd throw this cloak from my shoulders
and wash this blood from my hair ( like this line very much)
but why should I be responsible
when it's life that's unfair? (indeed, blame it on life)

o I lay in my rags
and weep for my pain
I cry out to god
but it all stays the same. (shocking)
I look at myself but can't remember my name
my face is bruised and disfigured
the result of my shame (why is this?)
I've become my own prison
bound by my own chains. (cliché, but yes!)

Hi Shindigs, the title is a bit a of a turn off, too ordinary.
Good protential here, love.
my best, Heart

[Volaticus]

I might be wrong, but shouldn't such words as 'god' be capitalized? Just a tiny thought
I like your poem, it has potential, and overall I think it has a nice rhythm to it. But I too, couldn't quite figure out what you meant with L7 in the third stanza. It seems a bit vague.

[Theshindigs]

Thanks for the replies. I think I'll switch out the lines "bruised and disfigured, the result of my shame" with "reflect on my own feelings, now wild, once tame"

The reason I didn't capitalize God is because this poem is from an agnostic point of view. So even though this is someone who doesn't believe in God his desperation leads him to call out for one.

I wrote this during a dark night of the soul. Just sort of thrown together, so thank you all for your criticisms. Poetry is something I've become newly acquainted with but can't get enough.