the sweetness of dark

[Heartafire]

revised

On this dock, streams of
sweat slide down my neck,
between my breasts, a rivulet

the taste of salt when my
tongue flicks my lips.

The slap of sea mists my eyes,
colors washing down my face.

A seahorse trapped in murky
kelp cries for help, choking bubbles
of last breaths.

This creaking dock, freedom floating off
beneath that milky moon ,
into the sweetness of dark.


Original post

On this creaky dock streams of sweat slide
down my neck, rivulets between my breasts.
The taste of brine when my tongue flicks my lips.

Sea slapping mist into my eyes, shimmering shadows
down my face. The soft sound of waves in shells,
swells of paradise.

Sea Horses trapped in kelp cry out for help,
choking bubbles Of last breaths.

This groaning dock, freedom floating off, beneath that milky
moon, into the sweetness of dark.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

On this creaky dock streams of sweat slide
down my neck, rivulets between my breasts.
The taste of brine when my tongue flicks my lips. I love this first stanza, I think it sets up the rest beautifully. If I was picky I would say the first line is quite a mouthful, but I don't think it's necessarily bad.

Sea slapping mist into my eyes, shimmering shadows
down my face. The soft sound of waves in shells, Excuse me calling 'soft sounds of waves in shells' the kind of description you find in kid's english homework. It doesn't fit in with the rest.
swells of paradise.

Figments of memories scurrying like hermit crabs escaping.
Sea Horses trapped in kelp cry out for help,
choking bubbles Of last breaths. Capitalising Of?

This groaning dock, freedom floating off, beneath that milky
moon, into the sweetness of dark. Perhaps introducing the idea of dark earlier into the poem would have more of an impact with these last two lines.

I love most of the imagery, it really is vivid and true. A poem which brings back memories.

[Heartafire]

Hi there UnicornRainbowCake, thank you so much for reading and commenting. This is a poem that I have played around with too much. I really needed to leave it alone or give up on it. I appreciate your opinions very much. I am posting the original, written before I began obsessing with it, and will leave it at that.
Thank you so much.
my best,
Heart

[ESmith]

I really like it, except for

"A seahorse trapped in murky
kelp cries for help, choking bubbles
of last breaths."

This just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem, it is differently dark. If you keep this bit, you may want to change it slightly to
"A seahorse trapped in murky kelp
cries for help, choking bubbles" - the way kelp and help rhyme so closely in the same line makes that verse stand out more.

But overall, a wonderful painting with words, very vivid and full of memories.

[Heartafire]

I really like it, except for

"A seahorse trapped in murky
kelp cries for help, choking bubbles
of last breaths."

This just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the poem, it is differently dark. If you keep this bit, you may want to change it slightly to
"A seahorse trapped in murky kelp
cries for help, choking bubbles" - the way kelp and help rhyme so closely in the same line makes that verse stand out more.

But overall, a wonderful painting with words, very vivid and full of memories.

Hi, eSmith, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate your opinion on this and taking your suggestion re seahorses under advisement, may come back and try again once more with this.
My best,
Heart

[heslopian]

The penultimate verse, though well-written and effective, feels at odds with the rest of the poem. It's violent and upsetting while the rest is sweet and mildly erotic. Speaking of which, the sensuality here is very well conveyed, with a flicked tongue, a taste of sea salt and streams between breasts. Thank you for the read

[popeye]

Hello Heart, strong images here, good choice using a dock as the setting,
as they seem to ooze intrigue and mystery! I'm guessing that it's a hot humid night,
and your emotions are as choked as to the seahorses more physical plight?
The last stanza stanza is a pearl!
Don't give up on this one, it had me looking for more even with the strong ending.
Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable read, cheers.

[Heartafire]

The penultimate verse, though well-written and effective, feels at odds with the rest of the poem. It's violent and upsetting while the rest is sweet and mildly erotic. Speaking of which, the sensuality here is very well conveyed, with a flicked tongue, a taste of sea salt and streams between breasts. Thank you for the read

Hi Heslopian, thank you for reading and your comments. The somewhat disturbing verse re the seahorse is intended to reveal contrary forces that pull the N, the need to drift away for a moment.
best,
Heart

---

Hello Heart, strong images here, good choice using a dock as the setting,
as they seem to ooze intrigue and mystery! I'm guessing that it's a hot humid night,
and your emotions are as choked as to the seahorses more physical plight?
The last stanza stanza is a pearl!
Don't give up on this one, it had me looking for more even with the strong ending.
Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable read, cheers.

Hello Popeye, wonderful insight into this little poem!
"I'm guessing that it's a hot humid night,
and your emotions are as choked as to the seahorses more physical plight?"
You have nailed the reference to the choking seahorse perfectly. Thank you so much for reading and commenting,
my best,
Heart