Desire

[Aphroditeny]

EDIT

I crawl from him with my last breath, 
My  back in blood from his cruel whip
My face in tears with trembling lip
My heart in shards within my chest

Within my blood my heart disolves,
What is this life but just my dice
I choose my hand,
I  make my stand

And with each move I loose a piece 
It floats away inside of me, 
It rips apart all that I see
Yet this is what I choose to be

Please let me go I beg, I plead
But you just stand you do not lead
And then I hear his tortured laugh
The roar so deep from far within,
It rocks the walls yet pulls me in

I lie my head down on the floor 
I can no longer reach the door 
My body finally gives out
And yet inside I shout and shout

Won't you come here? 
Will you not see?
Will you not try to rescue me? 
Instead you turn and look away
As he takes over you do not sway

He grabs my ankle in his fist 
My heart by now, a bloody mist
He flips me over with such ease
My hair fans out as soft spring leaves

He spreads my thighs
I hear my sighs
My eyelids fall, 
I'm just a doll

His fingers search inside for me
But I am lost in times of we
When I had loved you with my heart
The heart that now will never start

In nastalgia I remain
The only thing that keeps me sane
The days of hope when I had lived, 
When I had breathed

He grabs my neck and squeezes tight
And though I feel it, I do not fight
He lies on top, I'm on the floor
I see you there inside the door

I try to beg but I am spent
I see you both, you're my torment
He will not stop until I'm done
I will not stop until you're gone


Original
I crawl from him with my last breath, 
My  back in blood from his cruel whip
My face in tears with trembling lip
My heart in shards within my chest, 
Each peace ascaping with a blast

Within my blood my heart disolves,
As if I've never owned such vice
What is this life but just my dice
I choose my hand,
I  make my stand

And with each move I loose a piece 
It floats away inside of me, 
It rips apart all that I see
Yet this is what I choose to be

Please let me go I beg, I plead
But you just stand you do not lead
And then I hear his tortured laugh
The roar so deep from far within,
It rocks the walls yet pulls me in

I lie my head down on the floor 
I can no longer reach the door 
My body finally gives out
And yet inside I shout and shout

Won't you come here? 
Will you not see?
Will you not try to rescue me? 
Instead you turn and look away
As he takes over you do not sway

He grabs my ankle in his fist 
My heart by now, a bloody mist
He flips me over with such ease
My hair fans out as soft spring leaves

He spreads my thighs
I hear my sighs
My eyelids fall, 
I'm just a doll

His fingers search inside for me
But I am lost in times of we
When I had loved you with my heart
The heart that now will never start

In nastalgia I remain
The only thing that keeps me sane
The days of hope when I had lived, 
When I had breathed

He grabs my neck and squeezes tight
And though I feel it, I do not fight
He lies on top, I'm on the floor
I see you there inside the door

I try to beg but I am spent
I see you both, you're my torment
He will not stop until I'm done
I will not stop until you're gone

[NakedBear]

Hi again. Pretty sombre topic.

The bad man/person seems, at times, to be in the speaker, while is external to the speaker in other ways. Is this intentional?

Second, your rhyme scheme isn't totally consistent, which suggests you were going with the flow a bit. That's good, but you still seem to be forcing rhymes. Maybe chase the rhyme a little less and then cut out any line that isn't contributing an essential element. I'm pretty sure you can afford to remove some material.

Mikey.

[Aphroditeny]

Hi again. Pretty sombre topic.

The bad man/person seems, at times, to be in the speaker, while is external to the speaker in other ways. Is this intentional?

Second, your rhyme scheme isn't totally consistent, which suggests you were going with the flow a bit. That's good, but you still seem to be forcing rhymes. Maybe chase the rhyme a little less and then cut out any line that isn't contributing an essential element. I'm pretty sure you can afford to remove some material.

Mikey.

Thanks Mikey,
I edited and took out some of the lines there were not needed.
Thanks for your review