Snow Angel

[snower]

Early morning of so numbingly cold
I see the sun between the mountains high
I see your breath as it turns into gold
The early age of February sky

But is it possible to compare that?
To your beauty that keeps me awake
Is there a chance that I could leave my hat?
So I can take my so well-deserved brake

I see the diamants among the snow
The purity of the air is spotless
But it is you who is shining, I know
It is like you are wearing a red dress

Cuz I can only see you among this
Hey miss, If only I could get a kiss

[tectak]

Early morning of so numbingly coldSentence syntax flaky
I see the sun between the mountains high cliche and yoda
I see your breath as it turns into goldforced ryhme, oh gold breath. Forget it
The early age of February skyWhat does this mean?

But is it possible to compare that?Not a sentence. How on earth can you compare A that?
To your beauty that keeps me awake No.I cannot go on.This is Vogon
Is there a chance that I could leave my hat?
So I can take my so well-deserved brake BREAK for fuck's sake....or seak...or ...

I see the diamants among the snowWhat is a french rocket launching system doing here?Diamant? This is just pretentious. What is wrong with diamonds among the snow? It would still be a cliche...but just not a french cliche...hmmmm....if you get my drift
The purity of the air is spotlessUtter rubbish, ban me from this site! It would be an act of kindness! See end comments
But it is you who is shining, I know
It is like you are wearing a red dress

Cuz I can only see you among thisWhat is cuz?
Hey miss, If only I could get a kiss

( Note! These comments made whilst this piece was in the original location...SERIOUS CRIT)

There is far too much wrong with this to even start on it without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. Please,please, please repost in mild or novice or I shall slit my throat ( Jolly good....say some).
Look, I am very sorry about my outburst....it is unfair on you. I try hard to make my opinion, and usually that is all it is, as helpful and as constructive as possible....but this piece is not good in an absolute sense. My opinion is of little weight in critting this poem..... it is just very bad. On the bright side, you are therefore in a GREAT position. You can improve enormously. Please do not stop writing. Just repost and you will get lots of help.
Best,
tectak ( in a very good mood)

[serge gurkski]

wow Tom! ;-)

"without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. " sure! ;-)

"cuz" is poshest US street slang for because of course.

on to the poem:

The first stanza is not that bad (one nit: breath turns into gold?

But then, from stanza 2 onwards the potentially poetic quality deteriorates.

I wish I could say something nice to outbalance Tom's Tysonish frontal attack.

most of the lines are too obviously constructed for the sake of rhymes.

But a rewrite is always possible and I would use the first stanza as a forward operating base (to put it G.I-ish)

cheers serge

[tectak]

wow Tom! ;-)

"without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. " sure! ;-)

"cuz" is poshest US street slang for because of course.

on to the poem:

The first stanza is not that bad (one nit: breath turns into gold?

But then, from stanza 2 onwards the potentially poetic quality deteriorates.

I wish I could say something nice to outbalance Tom's Tysonish frontal attack.

most of the lines are too obviously constructed for the sake of rhymes.

But a rewrite is always possible and I would use the first stanza as a forward operating base (to put it G.I-ish)

cheers serge

Hi serge,
Though flattered that I appear as a nom de célébrité in your signature, you are of course aware the La Rage is rabies, and you are therefore elevating yourself to the status of a mad dog!?
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

wow Tom! ;-)

"without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. " sure! ;-)

"cuz" is poshest US street slang for because of course.

on to the poem:

The first stanza is not that bad (one nit: breath turns into gold?

But then, from stanza 2 onwards the potentially poetic quality deteriorates.

I wish I could say something nice to outbalance Tom's Tysonish frontal attack.

most of the lines are too obviously constructed for the sake of rhymes.

But a rewrite is always possible and I would use the first stanza as a forward operating base (to put it G.I-ish)

cheers serge

Hi serge,
Though flattered that I appear as a nom de célébrité in your signature, you are of course aware the La Rage is rabies, and you are therefore elevating yourself to the status of a mad dog!?
Best,
tectak

;-) But what else would I have expected from you? I'm nothing less but honored by your lovely dedication. Would it not be the same vice versa?

Need more Cognac to celebrate our dalliancing. You make me proud of me. Have fun! :-)

To quote my Guru:
"brake BREAK for fuck's sake." (That killed me. ;-))

[Michelle311]

Hi there. Made some comments below. Mostly I agree with Serge and TecTak but thought it would be good to hear from a novice for some reason. Hope I'm of some help!

Although I have to say, I enjoyed their comments. Makes me both excited and terrified to post anything, hope you had the same reaction (So glad I found this forum)

Early morning of so numbingly cold Seems to be too many useless words in this line for me
I see the sun between the mountains high
I see your breath as it turns into gold Silver would be better...?
The early age of February sky Maybe this should be earlier in the stanza?

But is it possible to compare that? Lose the ? here.
To your beauty keeping me awake
Is there a chance that I could leave my hat?
So I can take my so well-deserved brake I think TecTak already took care of this

I see the diamants among the snow
The purity of the air is spotless
But it is you who is shining, I know
It is like you are wearing a red dressI'm not sure what this stanza is trying to do..?

Cuz I can only see you among this
Hey miss, If only I could get a kiss I don't mind this last line, kinda sweet

I started to edit more. But stopped since I think we're supposed to keep the critique lighter. I would start with losing the rhyme. But I hope we get to see an edit because the other two are right -- the great thing about just starting out is the progress you make!

Thanks for the read
-M