My poem: Poor Andre

[Jaylyn_D_Murray]

[font=Courier

Poor Andre(Jaylyn Murray)

Thy boy looked with harsh eyes to the skies
Face welted up, tears in his eyes..He asked why.
God why we gotta cry?
Cause mommas not home and my sister leaves me alone?
My sister came home with her make up sweated off
Hard look in her eyes, no we can't be soft!
And momma went off,on magical trip
Used to sip, now she sniff
And where's dad?
Daddy's gone. Not away, but gone and dead.
Late night trips outside, then a bullet to his head.
Because of status, killed by a defense apparatus
God, I prayed you'd watch my back! And I thought you had us!
Tried to find family at church, but that ain't work
People whisper as I walk by, I heard it, it hurts
Found family with them boys on the corner
Job description: to support the coroner
And a question knocked, and answered by a, "Yes!"
Fist flying, into my face and at my chest
Like those punches, another one was laid to rest
Bye mama, I'm sorry you loved the needle in your arm more than you loved me. If I went to school, you'd be more pleased
Like the killer who ended my sister after a strip tease
With bruises to the face, and scraped up, bloody knees!
God, I ask, why do you hate me?!
Is it the color of my skin?
The circumstance I was born in?
You do a nice job of making me feel important!
Like a bad dream, I just want it to end.
No doors in the dark room I fight, and turn in!
I even sense the devil in my friends--
Eyes!
If I weren't black would you hear my cries?
A gun would!! Shoot. And a gun will wipe your tears away!
I got nobody!
Them damn...serpents in the church of gold ceilings, and colored windows...
Lurk the uncut grasses of mans evils!
And mock my innuendos!
Talkin bout they saved, and all they do is save!
You all erase!
You erased my name from the book of life, and wrote it permanently, in the book of records!
I don't feel any love from anybody!
So I put the hunk of metal to my head
Like my father listening to me in the womb.
I listen to the click of a trigger, and the flick of a hammer, and the absence of a boom...
The gun jammed, the bullet didn't move and I wasn't a step closer to my tomb.
Why can't I join my family?
If this God gives a damn of me
Poor Andre's life went downhill,[/font]
Poor Andre failed Gods test, but felt he was real,
Poor Andre: a boy so skilled
Poor Andre, in a police standoff, he was killed.





Any help would be SOOO appreciated!

[Todd]

Hi Jaylyn,

This reads like a rap or spoken word. What type of help were you looking for? What feels off to you that you'd like to address? Also, some things work spoken but don't work as stand alone written poems, so I want to approach this consistent with how you intend to use the piece.

Best,

Todd

[Jaylyn_D_Murray]

Oh I just wanted constructive criticism, and I agree with you, not much of my works sound or read like a poem.
But I'd also like to know how to write better rhythmic/lyrical/narrative poems, I'd like to know how to use more...'colorful' language(I guess)...it's like the language isn't there when I need it to be, I just don't always wanna use the more simple words I'm used to...
But if you wish, can you explain to me how's writing doesn't resemble a poem much and what I may do to change this please, thank you, and blessings!

---

Oh I just wanted constructive criticism, and I agree with you, not much of my works sound or read like a poem.
But I'd also like to know how to write better rhythmic/lyrical/narrative poems(if you don't mind helping me), I'd like to know how to use more...'colorful' language(I guess)...it's like the language isn't there when I need it to be, I just don't always wanna use the more simple words I'm used to...
But if you wish, can you explain to me how the writing doesn't resemble a poem much and what I may do to change this please, thank you, and blessings!

[Todd]

Hi Jaylyn, I can appreciate where you are coming from. Let's deal with a few basics. Most people who write poetry start by rhyming. It's what they've seen done in school. Without rhyme it doesn't feel like a poem to them. I'm not going to discourage you from rhyming (even though poetry doesn't need to rhyme to be a poem). What I will say though is that rhyme carries a few traps when you're just starting out with it. One of those traps is that you sacrifice content for the sake of making the end words rhyme. The other one is you focus so much on the rhyme that you forget to add imagery and that makes your words come across like your telling people things rather than helping them to experience them through a picture. Finally, without understanding how meter works (and that just takes practice) the poem doesn't flow well.

For rhyme, I would direct you to the poetry practice forum. There are some good exercises to try that will start grounding you in meter.

Okay, now lets go into the main issue I want you to think about (I don't want to hit you with too much at once). What you've posted could be the basis for a narrative poem. What it needs is imagery. If you're just making statements it could be a short story. Go through the poem and ask yourself how can I say this with images. Let me give you a quick example off of the top of my head.

From your poem:

Bye mama, I'm sorry you loved the needle in your arm more than you loved me. If I went to school, you'd be more pleased
Like the killer who ended my sister after a strip tease
With bruises to the face, and scraped up, bloody knees!

So before the imagery example, we have a mother who is a heroin addict. The speaker of the poem is saying the mother would be happy if she went to school and she compares her mothers happiness to the happiness of her sister's killer. That's interesting definitely. But again its focused on just telling the reader things. It has concrete detail but it still comes across as flat despite the subject matter.

Marge Piercy has a poem that talks about the girls she grew up with. Each part is about a different friend and how they turned out. When she concludes she has a line in it with this phrase: girls used like urinals. Its been a couple years since I read it, but the image stays with me. The thing to remember with narrative weather its fiction or poetry is you are going for emotional power not every little detail.

So in the lines I pulled from your poem, the sister may not have been a stripper. This could have been an act she did for a boyfriend, or a husband, or a john...its up to the writer. The issue is how do you make it interesting. How can you say it with an image?

You could for instance do a sequence where you focus on her on a strippers pole and think about what other things might share that look. First thing, I thought of was a child's carousel maybe you could blend those comparisons together to show the innocence than has been burned out of her. What has been lost. We have to love them before their death matters. I hope that makes sense.

Here's a simple example from one of mine (not because its great, but because its on the top of my head )

I needed a woman to be dressed in a burka, I could have said she was dressed in black with only her eyes showing. That's a flat boring statement. Here's the same idea with imagery:

Must she peel back the starless night
and wrap herself within its emptiness
with no pinprick of light allowed entrance.

Make sense? It can take awhile but it is definitely worth it. I would suggest going through your poem and pull out sections and work on saying them more with pictures.

I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Jaylyn_D_Murray]

Ok thank you!
So adjectives, and words that set a scene to make it play like small parts of a film?
Do you have any tips on writing BETTER poetry?
Not poetry that's only great to me, but to everyone else aswell...(People do like my poems, but I want to mesmerize people!)
I'd also like to write raps, just ones that talk about things with meaning besides money, clothes, and women.!(sorry if I'm bombarding you with all these questions but it feels like I finally found LEGIT help.!)

[Todd]

Ok thank you!
So adjectives, and words that set a scene to make it play like small parts of a film?
Do you have any tips on writing BETTER poetry?
Not poetry that's only great to me, but to everyone else aswell...(People do like my poems, but I want to mesmerize people!)
I'd also like to write raps, just ones that talk about things with meaning besides money, clothes, and women.!(sorry if I'm bombarding you with all these questions but it feels like I finally found LEGIT help.!)

Hey if your goal is to write great poetry. You'll get there. It's all work and time, for the most part. Put in the work it'll happen. Here's a few tips:

Read good poetry that you like. Your likes will change over time, but what's important is you read for pleasure and then read critically. If you like something notice how the writer gets the effect. You will begin picking up technique by osmosis.

Make every word count, no extra words. Always search for fewer words to do more work.

Use imagery and figurative language (metaphor, simile, synecdoche, etc) rather than to just tell us things.

You mentioned adjectives. As a general rule use nouns and verbs. Adjectives and adverbs get overused and weaken the line. She spoke softly is not as strong as she whispered.

Keep writing. Develop a thick skin for critique. Thank people, but evaluate what they say. Use what makes sense, ignore what doesn't.

Those are my main tips. Hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[Jaylyn_D_Murray]

Thank you!
Much love to you and the greats of this forum!