Father

[Loveblind]

Dirty words that rolled off your tongue
Deterring my noggin
Destruction sliding into my soul
Destroying my insides

A scar permanently left
The devious comments rape my mind
Frequently

The sight of you
Turns my stomach

Awkward moment’s leads to
Vulgar comments being exchanged
Establishing a relationship after 17
Dreadful years far from mind

Hence, the fact an abortion
Was the right thing while I
Was in the womb

I can’t erase all the damages
You’ve caused
Emotionally and physically

Who would of known
Your Childhood troubles
You endured
Would affect mine

Still Angry at the fact
Your father walked out
On your mom and 6 kids

I was just an innocent child
Searching for a father
To hold me and save me
In this cold world

[billy]

Dirty words that rolled off your tongue
Deterring my noggin (i love this line)
Destruction sliding into my soul
Destroying my insides (this line feels redundant)

A scar permanently left
The devious comments rape my mind
Frequently

The sight of you
Turns my stomach (these two line are really cliche)

Awkward moment’s leads to (moments) (lead)
Vulgar comments being exchanged
Establishing a relationship after 17
Dreadful years far from mind

Hence, the fact an abortion
Was the right thing while I (this verse took a bit of working out)
Was in the womb (but i got there )

I can’t erase all the damages (damage)
You’ve caused
Emotionally and physically (again for me, this line's a bit redundant)

Who would of known
Your Childhood troubles (the childhood troubles)
You endured
Would affect mine

Still Angry at the fact
Your father walked out
On your mom and 6 kids

I was just an innocent child
Searching for a father
To hold me and save me
In this cold world


the poem itself feels a couple of verses too long.
that said it has bite.

for me it could do with a some good original images.
at the moment it feels a little tell LB.
as usual thanks for the read.

[addy]

Powerful stuff LB. But again, even though this is very personal and emotional still try your best to show and not just tell. It's tempting to just say how you feel, but you have to take the reader on that journey with you, and to do that you need to command those feelings from them. For that imagery works best

Dirty words that rolled off your tongue
Deterring my noggin This line jarred me. It's not too bad in a vacuum, but taken in the context of all your other lines the slang seems out of place. If you keep the informal language consistent throughout the poem then maybe it wouldn't be so strange
Destruction sliding into my soul For me, I can't see destruction "sliding". Sounds easy. You can pick a more agressive word. And because you start the next line with "destroying.." destruction is redundant as well
Destroying my insides

A scar permanently left
The devious comments rape my mind
Frequently For me there's no need to put this in its own lineThe sight of you
Turns my stomach

Awkward moment’s "moments"? leads to
Vulgar comments being exchanged
Establishing a relationship after 17
Dreadful years far from mind

Hence, the fact an abortion
Was the right thing while I
Was in the womb I imagine these lines to be very pain-filled. Try to express the lines in a more assertive, bitter way (or whatever emotional intention you had with it) because right now the way its phrased sounds strangely detachedI can’t erase all the damages don't need "s"You’ve caused
Emotionally and physically

Who would of "have" known
Your Childhood troubles
You endured
Would affect mine

Still Angry at the fact
Your father walked out
On your mom and 6 kids

I was just an innocent child
Searching for a father
To hold me and save me
In this cold world Wouldn't have chosen to end the poem on this idea, but still ok. I kind of liked the idea that you introduced before, about how the abuse is a perpetuating cycle. So maybe it would be interesting to imply that this last verse applies to both you and your father.

BTW, if you have many poems to post at once, it would be also good to pepper them in different sections of the poetry forum. That way they can stay prominent without immediately being pushed down by your other poems.

Also, we'd love to hear your comments on the poetry of some of the other posters. If you feel too intimidated to comment, don't be. There's no right or wrong opinion in this case. And It'll help some of the other poets a lot, to hear as many varying opinions as they can about their work

[Loveblind]

Hey! I would like to thank you guys for remaining loyal and helpful to my posts. You guys have brought my passion, I once had for writing back. While I'm trying new things and less telly ; I feel as if I have improved. Way better and less cliche then what I wrote last year. I have been writing almost everyday and new topics.. But still personal (lol). Furthermore, I know I haven't really commented other poems, it's not that I only care about my work. I just do feel intimated commenting others work . I don't want to give wrongful advise. But I will start commenting and helping. Again thanks a million to all those who help/has help.
- love . Love blind

[billy]

Hey! I would like to thank you guys for remaining loyal and helpful to my posts. You guys have brought my passion, I once had for writing back. While I'm trying new things and less telly ; I feel as if I have improved. Way better and less cliche then what I wrote last year. I have been writing almost everyday and new topics.. But still personal (lol). Furthermore, I know I haven't really commented other poems, it's not that I only care about my work. I just do feel intimated commenting others work . I don't want to give wrongful advise. But I will start commenting and helping. Again thanks a million to all those who help/has help.
- love . Love blind

no probs and don't worry about commenting, no one can say your wrong when you comment. if they do they get a warning you have to comment because by giving feedback to others you begin see fault in your own work
and edits become easier,

i do have one suggestion LB. if you post a few poems at once, try and post them in different forums

and as far as i can see you've really improved since being here.

[addy]

I really love your attitude and passion. It's such a gift! It's obvious that you really love writing, and that's what's helping you improve, just as much as the comments. And it doesn't matter what you write about, be it personal or otherwise; a good poem is a good poem no matter what, so write about anything you want! Comments are meant only to help hone your technique, not dictate who you are as a writer and a person. That said, it's just great for us readers to see all these different dimensions of you and your writing.

Aww, I had a feeling you were tentative about commenting LOL Don't worry! Like I said there's no such thing as a wrong opinion here. Every perspective is valid and helpful. Even comments like "I like this line" or "I think this is too long" is a big help to the writer