Currently untitled (First poem)

[Jagger Cyde]

It's a very short poem. Let em know what you guys think

Attention all those
A new avenue has emerged
Full of potential, excitement,
And new beginnings

But you must beware
For to get to this place
You must travel a shaky bridge
Across a river of screaming voices
Preaching ways of lust, greed
And the loss of morals

Is this trip worth it you ask?
It should only be made
With packed bags
A strong mind
And friends by your side

[Todd]

Hi Jagger Cyde, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

Go through your poem ask yourself what is filler and stick with the interesting parts. I'll show you what I mean. When I read this poem this is how I could see it arranged.

Title: To Get to This Place

You must travel a shaky bridge
Across a river of screaming voices--these first two lines are great. Good imagery.
Preaching ways of lust, greed
And the lose of morals--these next two lines you tell us some things but don't show us with imagery. Can you say these lines with images?

Work on saying things visually. Also your ending needs to be more interesting. Don't take the easy road with the ending. Keep at it until it pops out.

That's all I've got. It's an interesting start with those two lines. You absolutely can build on it. You should.

I hope that was helpful in some way. Oh hey, I know you said you were starting out, but remember to give others feedback. What did you like? What didn't you like? And most importantly why?

Best,

Todd

[rowens]

Did you mean the loose or loosening of morals

or loss of morals?

[Jagger Cyde]

Hi Jagger Cyde, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

Go through your poem ask yourself what is filler and stick with the interesting parts. I'll show you what I mean. When I read this poem this is how I could see it arranged.

Title: To Get to This Place

You must travel a shaky bridge
Across a river of screaming voices--these first two lines are great. Good imagery.
Preaching ways of lust, greed
And the lose of morals--these next two lines you tell us some things but don't show us with imagery. Can you say these lines with images?

Work on saying things visually. Also your ending needs to be more interesting. Don't take the easy road with the ending. Keep at it until it pops out.

That's all I've got. It's an interesting start with those two lines. You absolutely can build on it. You should.

I hope that was helpful in some way. Oh hey, I know you said you were starting out, but remember to give others feedback. What did you like? What didn't you like? And most importantly why?

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the comments. I know what you mean about the imagery, however the lines that you said needed imagery aren't describing things that you can see or hear. There would be no way for to create an image for lust, greed, and losing morals. I do understand what you are saying though. And yeah, I did get a bit lazy with my ending there. Endings have always been difficult for me and I need to make sure to work on it.

Did you mean the loose or loosening of morals

or loss of morals?

I meant loss. Thanks for the catch.

[Todd]

With all due respect you absolutely can create imagery for lust, greed, and a loss of morals.

You can use images to show just about anything. Don't be too quick to dismiss it. It takes practice, but can be done.

[Jagger Cyde]

With all due respect you absolutely can create imagery for lust, greed, and a loss of morals.

You can use images to show just about anything. Don't be too quick to dismiss it. It takes practice, but can be done.

I should have better phrased and explained what I meant more. First off, I shouldn't have said "No way" because that is very untrue and not what I completely meant. Yes, I can create images for lust, greed, and a loss of morals. However a big intention of mine for this poem was to keep it short and fairly simple. I felt that in order to create an image for those things then that would break my intention. So what I should have said in my last post was that I could not find a way to create images for those things without increasing the size of my poem too much. Nor was it really my intention to have the whole stanza be imagery.

[Todd]

Fair. I still contend that you can write a poem shorter than you have here with more imagery. But I'm not trying to be argumentative so I'll let it sit.

[Jagger Cyde]

Fair. I still contend that you can write a poem shorter than you have here with more imagery. But I'm not trying to be argumentative so I'll let it sit.

I wouldn't call it argumentative. It's a very civilized conversation. We are both expressing our opinions on a topic. In fact, this is the type of conversation where things are learned.