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M
You, a blue ensemble,
An echoing sound inside myself,
The steady breath of a blissful breeze,
While on a cold walk in splendid health.
You, a sallow seagull,
Gliding through condensed green ocean mist,
A Graceful dance inside bright gray skies,
Taunting and haunting, each move a kiss.
You, a serene substance,
The warm whisper coursing through my veins,
Forbidden fruit found once in a life,
For which I wait to cure all my pains.
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Erm... I'm not exactly sure what your poem is about... It seems to be a love poem, but...
"Sallow seagull"? I'm really sorry... But... Do you know what sallow means? I'd recommend looking it up.
In case you're too busy to, it means sickly looking and pale-yellowish. So... Is this an ironic poem, or are you going for a My Mistress's Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun vibe here?
I'm really sorry I can't say anything else, but I kinda need to know the subject better than I do now.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind
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Yes its a love poem. Extended metaphor of what she is. Not really going for irony.
"Sallow seagull"? I'm really sorry... But... Do you know what sallow means? I'd recommend looking it up.
I was leaning toward the pale part of the definition, I guess I was forcing it.
I am in the novice section for a reason
. any other feedback is appreciated.
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Erm... (not to mock Card, but that was my first reaction too).
I think I know or feel what that's about, or at least I wove my own plot reading this poem.
"You, a serene substance,
The warm whisper coursing through my veins,"
I like the overall tone of this, it flows not badly.
I like the alliterations, the internal rhyme, the line breaking.
The basic metaphor you use (a walk on the seaside)
might not carry your message through in the most effective way.
If M is mare (sea) it would.
If it was what I think, it would not.
cheers
Serge
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Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. I now see that my imagery was really cluttered and could use some fine-tuning. I didn't really try to build a setting, I was more focusing on consistency.
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Okay then, I understand that. You do have that Nothing Like The Sun thing going on, not saying that she's perfect. That's good.
If I may say so, it seems a bit awkward to use near-rhyme for I my two out of three stanzas. Is there a better way to phrase it?
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind
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possibly change "cure all my pains" to "clean off my shame." That would be more consistent with the ocean metaphor also.
EDIT: I misread what you were saying, Ive gotta change the first stanza to match the "i"
I'm going to go back and push forward the ocean metaphor, and extend the idea little bit too.
