No One Can Serve Two Masters

[Fathima]

Honest opinions on this piece please? Thank you.

My father talks about prayer
My mothers talks about money
I guess those are the only two things
I can choose to live for

[Todd]

Honest opinions on this piece please? Thank you.

My father talks about prayer
My mothers talks about money
I guess those are the only two things
I can choose to live for

Hi Fathima, honesty always. I think you're being too direct. For a poem to be effective it can't just make statements. To touch people emotionally as art it has to have more depth. Talks about is pretty surface or static. Both people are relying on security from something and they do different things to express the source of that security.

An action may be: My Father kneels to pray. My mother kneels...

That would be closer but it's still not going far enough. How can you show us where their hearts are at:

When my grandmother had cancer (title)

My father knelt to pray
My mother paid for her chemotherapy


Not saying that's great just trying to give clear examples.

Your ending observation needs more thought behind it, either more insight to make us say ah that's true, or emotional impact to make us feel. The best poems have a little of both. I hope that helps some.

Best,

Todd

[brandontoh]

To add on to what Todd said, I think you can try to enhance the poem by visualising. What I mean is to imagine the scene playing out in your head, or a particular event that inspired you to write said poem. For example, with regards to money, I'd do something like "My mother, furrowed brows, slave to cold hard cash" because when I think about parents emphasising on the importance of money, I see a mother being stressed out and constantly worried about it. Focus on the things that left an impact on you, especially if you're writing based on personal experience.

As for the last 2 lines, instead of telling readers, try to think of how it FEELS like, and write it that way.

Hope I am of help. =)