My mistakes, My triumphs

[dowremi]

The heat of the moment leaves burns.
My mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand
In the night I still hear you and it raises hairs
Like nails on a board, a screech ripping the silent air
If sorry is too late then the moment came too soon
I love you. But love happens to be blind.
Can’t you see?
My mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand
Gone. Washed into the rising tide.
How sweet was your name on the tip of my tongue
The touch of your lips, the chafe of that night
I still count the stars. Searching through the specs for ours.
A fools dream. A dreaming fool.
I love you. I love you.
For what that night was for.
For that night.
Forever more.

[benthejack]

Hi dowremi, welcome!
great start, but I feel it is a story that has been told.


Take or leave this critique as you see fit, it's not insults rather suggestions on where you might take this.

The heat of the moment leaves burns. this is ok, could use more imagery though. it comes off a little bland.
my mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand you could probably drop the three 'my'
In the night I still hear you and it raises hairs
Like nails on a board, a screech ripping the silent air this is nice! maybe "the silent" could be dropped though?
If sorry is too late then the moment came too soon
I love you. But love happens to be blind. this is pretty cliché, can you say something new? I dont know maybe something like "but love has empty sockets for eyes"
Can’t you see? is this line needed? does it tell me an important part of the story?
My mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand
Gone. Washed into the rising tide.
How sweet was your name on the tip of my tongue yeah? just HOW sweet? like golden syrup? like sorbet? Tell me something original, use images
The touch of your lips, the chafe of that night
I still count the stars. Searching through the specs for ours. you could possibly drop 'the'
A fools dream. A dreaming fool. I'm not sure what this line is trying to tell me tbh
I love you. I love you.
For what that night was for.
For that night.
Forever more. the last few lines don't seem to say anything

In general I would suggest you use more imagery (something I myself am slowly learning).
in this way you can use fewer words but convey more meaning.
strip redundant lines that aren't a part of the story you're telling.

I'm also new to this, and am really just passing on a few bits and bobs I've learned over the last week.
Keep it up!

cheers,
BTJ

[billy]

The heat of the moment leaves burns.
My mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand my footprints in the sand is very cliche, why not just use 'my footprints'?
In the night I still hear you and it raises hairs
Like nails on a board, a screech ripping the silent air why not just 'silence'? i like the way you freshen up an old simile
If sorry is too late then the moment came too soon
I love you. But love happens to be blind. too cliche.
Can’t you see?
My mistakes and my triumphs, my footprints in the sand
Gone. Washed into the rising tide.
How sweet was your name on the tip of my tongue
The touch of your lips, the chafe of that night
I still count the stars. Searching through the specs for ours.
A fools dream. A dreaming fool.
I love you. I love you.
For what that night was for.
For that night.
Forever more.

i like this a lot but there are a few too many clichés in there. the first half of the poem feels stronger and fresher than the latter part.

thanks for the read.