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Threads: 4
Joined: Oct 2012
Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Spoons.
Beaten Path
Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free,
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch.
Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand,
We walk this land,
In the shadows with a hollow laugh.
Leave home,
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes,
But it only goes one way.
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space.
Body warm,
A violent storm,
Quickly tomorrow come again,
I'm all your's, you're all mine,
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end.
Posts: 39
Threads: 7
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi.
I'm sorry, I don't really know how to critique someone's poems very well. I can only give my impressions, but I'm not sure usually what sort of advice to give to improve a poem.
My impression of this was that, well, it was interesting that the rhythm and pace or beat of the stanzas of the poem kind of reflected the cycle that was being expressed in it.
I suppose one way to improve it might be to think more about different ways of expressing some of the thoughts, so that some of the lines weren't so long as to interfere with the rhythm. You could do this by going back and considering different ways to express the same thought in fewer syllables, or consider if all of the words in it are necessary, consider synonyms and use a rhyming dictionary to help with rhyming words.
As an example, this stanza:
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Back again,
I find my friend,
You've hidden all the day,
Now I'm here,
You conceal my fear
and cast it far away
It's not such a good improvement, but it demonstrates what I mean at least--to play with more poetic or "sophisticated" words and find different, more refined ways to express what you want using different words and alternatives. Especially if a word is hard to find a good rhyme to, I often end up changing the rhyme, or even the whole metaphor, and it often leads to a better poem overall. For example, you don't need the word "cast," you just need a word that demonstrates that the person rids "you" of "your" fear for the time "you" are both together. Likewise, "touch" is quite a hard word to rhyme well, so I would probably seek out another way to write that particular rhyme, for example, maybe using the word "caress" instead. And then "hot caress," because "burning caress" has too many syllables in that line.
Remember you can change out any word anywhere you want. It's all yours and the entire English language is at your fingertips to use and create.
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
This poem had a nice flow which you mostly managed to keep, although for me I did have a stumble in a couple of places.
I think the advise above from Rose is good and I agree with what she mentioned, esp about condensing some of the lines and making the words work harder for you. Overall a well expressed and versed effort which I enjoyed reading. thanks for sharing.
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Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
The structure of this poem is top notch. I like that the first line of each stanza is kept two words. The rhyme scheme is nice because it is straight forward but not dull. I enjoy how he last two stanzas oppose each other. And the last line of the poem holds power in it.
Posts: 71
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
very nice rhyme scheme and structure! thanks for the read.
Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free,
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch. kinda wordy. maybe just "my only crutch" or even "my crutch"
Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand,
We walk this land,
In the shadows with a hollow laugh.
Leave home,
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes,
But it only goes one way. amazing
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space.
Body warm,
A violent storm, I wonder what this means...
Quickly tomorrow come again,
I'm all your's, you're all mine,
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end. I loved this ending!
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
I really enjoyed it however some of the lines seemed too long for the format you were going for. This type of poem has a really strong rhythm on the end rhyme so its a bit jarring when it gets too syncopated.
Posts: 23
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
Hi Spoons,
I liked your poem but, don't you just hate the buts?, I have a few things I want to comment on. I'm new at this so take what I say with a grain of salt.
(11-07-2012, 10:14 AM)CoffeeSpoons Wrote: Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Spoons.
Beaten Path
(I would like Carousel as a title.) Just a suggestion. More why later.
Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free, Do you really want to be set free if you miss the burning touch? Develop this a bit. What would draw one to come back?
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch. Bit too long.
Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand, If you use this (which I like) then change,
We walk this land, this (Develop a bit deeper) Use other words for walking the land.
In the shadows with a hollow laugh. Consider of instead of with??? But very good idea.
Leave home, This line seems out of place or off kilter
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes, Love these two lines!
But it only goes one way.
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here, Already saying this with 'Back again' freshen this up a bit
You hide my fear, Why hide fear, why repeat hidden and hide?
And from my reach you cast it far beyond. Awkward, please revise with words that soothe.
Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space. Love this stanza except for the please, deepen the connection with another word choice like filling my empty space or shivers filling my empty or this empty space.
Body warm,
A violent storm, Is the violent storm passion?
Quickly tomorrow come again, Then could this line be about passion rather than time? I don't like the quickly, the violent storm is so strong and this line is so weak.
I'm all your's, you're all mine, I don't think the apostrophe is needed in yours, I love these last three lines. Makes me think of the carousel again thus why I'd like that title.
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end.
Spoons, Bravo! Truly is a good poem as it is but I'd like these revisions to deepen the essence you are passionate about.
Thank you very much for sharing the poem. I want to read more of yours!
Hugs,
Graystar
Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free,
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch. - Too long, a bit of a rambling
Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand,
We walk this land,
In the shadows with a hollow laugh.
Leave home,
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes,
But it only goes one way. -Awesome, good imagery
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long, - add a rhythm
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space.
Body warm,
A violent storm, - am I missing something ? What do you means in this line?
Quickly tomorrow come again,
I'm all your's, you're all mine,
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end. - Lovely ending
(11-07-2012, 10:14 AM)CoffeeSpoons Wrote: Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Spoons.
Beaten Path
Dawn breaks,
My body shakes,
I miss your burning touch,
Come back to me,
And set me free,
No longer can I exist without my one and only crutch. -a little wordy
Gone now,
Can't remember how,
We started down this lonely path.
Hand in hand,
We walk this land,
In the shadows with a hollow laugh. -i like this image
Leave home,
I'm all alone,
I struggle to face the day,
No one knows,
How my carousel goes,
But it only goes one way.
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Body cold,
Have my soul,
Take me to a happy place,
Head starts drumming,
Your touch is numbing,
Please fill this empty space.
Body warm,
A violent storm, -not sure what this means
Quickly tomorrow come again,
I'm all your's, you're all mine,
I'll waste my time.
Rinse. Repeat. Until my end. -i like this ending
I like how the rhyme pattern stays the same throughout and how the first line of each stanza has only 2 words. It gives your poem a very rhythmic feeling.
Posts: 100
Threads: 16
Joined: Nov 2013
I agree with the comments that certain lines could be tightened, but I'm enjoy the elongated final line in each stanza. I think it adds to the drawn out or repetitive aspects of the cycle I think you're describing. Perhaps try to strike a consistent meter with each of these last lines. Could work well with more of an echo.
Really enjoyed the carousel imagery in the third stanza too.
Thanks a lot overall, this is great to read.
to me, it seems that this poem could end with the fourth stanza, and stanzas five and six could be there own poem, or the start of one. my only reasoning is just cause the first four have there own flow and feel different from the last two stanzas.
I agree with M. Warrens. The last two stanzas are great, but they break away from the imagery of the path. It just doesn't come full circle for me, not that it necessarily has to in order to be good. Maybe find a way to tie the initial metaphor into these last two?
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