A Call

[way2epic4me]

Here o’ earth city
I call onto you
Forge your blades and burden with steel and light
So go forth brothers in arms
Go until your ghosts are within reach
Forth into the maw
We come from a shattered legacy
Born out of darkness
But into the light, I say
For in the light lies truth and reconciliation
And in the twilights lies remembrance
And in the dark lies nothing but darkness
Here in peril, we lie

One question which one sounds better?

And in the dark lies nothing but darkness
Or
And in the darkness lies nothing

Anyway, thanks.

[billy]

there both much of the sameness for me.

how about;

For in light lies truth and reconciliation
in twilight, remembrance
And in darkness nothing but darkness

[Erthona]

The second, the first is redundant.

Using "so" in "So go forth" is out of character for the pseudo-prophetic language you are using. Prophecy never justifies, equivocates, or explains.

Some punctuation to show where one sentence ends and another starts would be helpful.

This seems to be vague proclamations about undefined things.


Dale

[Philatone]

Here o’ earth city...like the play, intentional or not, of "here o" and "hero". helps the piece i think. feels like the summoning a superpower
I call onto you
Forge your blades and burden with steel and light...like these first three lines, but the shift afterwards is dramatic and loses some of the sense of grandeur
So go forth brothers in arms
Go until your ghosts are within reach
Forth into the maw
We come from a shattered legacy
Born out of darkness
But into the light, I say
For in the light lies truth and reconciliation
And in the twilights lies remembrance
And in the dark lies nothing but darkness
Here in peril, we lie

I think the second sounds better, but could still be improved

it feels a bit preachy. the play on light and dark is fine, but not necessarily new and I'm not sure if this piece really brings anything fresh to it. there is a sense of history (shattered legacy), but no explanation for it, hurting the depth of the piece for me

[addy]

I cast my vote for the second

The metaphor of life versus dark is well-worn, but for me is not bad per se if we as readers were given more clues to work with. Is this a poem about holy war? Something else? That you call it "earth city" is intriguing, but I'm give no further clear clue. Also that you bring up reconciliation in a poem about a call to arms. A little flourish of specificity in the narrative might give these broader imagery more of a chance to shine.

Thanks very much for the read

[Timmycom]

Here o’ earth city
I call onto you
Forge your blades and burden with steel and light
So go forth brothers in arms
Go until your ghosts are within reach
Forth into the maw
We come from a shattered legacy
Born out of darkness
But into the light, I say
For in the light lies truth and reconciliation
And in the twilights lies remembrance
And in the dark lies nothing but darkness
Here in peril, we lie

One question which one sounds better?

And in the dark lies nothing but darkness
Or
And in the darkness lies nothing

Anyway, thanks.

Of the two choices the first sounds the best to me. Bare in mind it's 4am here, forgive me if this criteque is not up to standard.

This, to me - Sounds as if you have a frustration with people in general, like they're reluctent to do something about an issue and you are trying to motivate them to get and solve it. Like you have this pessimism for the human race in general, but you strive to correct it and make some good out of the past...

Grammatically it's perfect. A bit old worldie for my taste personally, I like the repution of the 'And's Highlights your point and the key concepts of the poem. Was an enjoyable poem to decifer.

[Paddygirl]

Here o’ earth city
I call onto you
Forge your blades and burden with steel and light -perhaps shorten this sentence by making a new line
So go forth brothers in arms -agree with comment on removing so
Go until your ghosts are within reach - like the imagery in this line
Forth into the maw
We come from a shattered legacy
Born out of darkness
But into the light, I say
For in the light lies truth and reconciliation -maybe remove 'and reconciliation' it doesn't fit with war
And in the twilights lies remembrance - like this line, gives balance when fighting for a cause
And in the dark lies nothing but darkness - prefer without 'but darkness'
Here in peril, we lie

Also, twilight needs to lose the s
a good read,some good imagery and I like the 'old worldie' feel! thank you for sharing.