Mind battle

[jacko94]

Wondering, weaving, dodging in and out,
Blank featureless faces staring back at me stop to stop,
Each and every time cold, ice kisses hit,
Horrid, hateful touches, the fifth sense I know,
Lone paving, the streets deserted, in competent ever other step,
Will crossing steps prevail?
Urban warriors, soldiers in the horizon, in the rise,
Fear like daylight nightmare,
By the mass’s, they come, they storm,
Running, four steps, two,
Shivering spines from left to right,
Two seconds, one.
The blink starts once more, chemical hands taking me,
Journey seems far,
Steady ground lifting,
Houston, we have lifted off,
Chaos seen only in bird’s eye,
Friends of chemicals guiding through the clouds in my way, eagle to the left.

Falling, the feeling continues, known to like yesterday,
Grinding down metal bars, don’t own a skateboard,
Flames ignite, ends turning fire red,
It only starts over again.

[billy]

i'm getting a little of the conflict within i think, but it needs more clarity.
at present it's a train ride and the windows feel as though they've been blacked out.
let the reader see what you see.

[Leanne]

Hi Jacko, thanks for posting.

There is clearly a "battle" going on here but it's weakened by many cliches and overused phrases (ice kisses, urban warriors, Houston..., flames ignite)

Some of your grammar is difficult to decipher, for example "in competent every other step" -- do you mean "incompetent" or "in competence", or something else entirely? The overuse of the word "step" is distracting, as is "chemical" -- try synonyms or more concrete images.

I know many people believe that poems should be entirely personal, but when they're posted for an audience it's best to give the audience something to latch onto instead of a bunch of generalisations.

"Chaos seen only in bird's eye" is a good line, I'd like to see this idea expanded with more than just a passing reference to an eagle.

I'm sorry I can't be more positive, this poem could use a lot of work.

[addy]

I like the energy here... there's a good sense of action and motion, but some of your phrase choices hinder the pace rather than enhance it so I think you can work on those. "the blink starts"... why once more? "Chaos seen only in bird's eye"... can it be 'chaos in bird's eye'? Some of the extra words can kill the urgency and are not strictly necessary so you can ditch them . Just my two cents