Silence is Golden

[Erthona]

I put my days in boxes so they can do no harm,
the lids are held securely with tightly knotted yarn.
They are wedged quite snuggly and cannot move about,
gagged and muzzled well, so you’ll never hear them shout.
Just like all good children, seldom seen and never heard,
so that when I’m in my grave, I will not be disturbed.

©2012 –Erthona

[tectak]

I put my days in boxes so they can do no harm,
the lids are held securely with tightly knotted yarn.
They are wedged quite snuggly and cannot move about,
gagged and muzzled well, so you’ll never here them shout.hear
Just like good children, seldom seen and never heard,
so that when I’m lying in my grave, I will not be disturbed.

©2012 –Erthona

Here, here!

[Erthona]

thanks, fixed

don't know why i keep doing that lately

[addy]

Nicely done. the first and last lines, in particular, are truly thoughtful and striking.

It gives the impression a rather lighthearted piece. The phrasing of the middle couplet, in particular, is a tad bit contrived. But I'm guessing this is a deliberate tonal choice on your part. Based on the theme it could've gone a heavier route but as the author you chose to keep it in cute rhyme territory, which is fair enough, and makes it a bit unique.

Thank you for the read

[billy]

I put my days in boxes so they can do no harm,
the lids are held securely with tightly knotted yarn.
They are wedged quite snuggly and cannot move about,
gagged and muzzled well, so you’ll never hear them shout.
Just like good children, seldom seen and never heard,
so that when I’m lying in my grave, I will not be disturbed.

©2012 –Erthona

c'est la vie, doesn't quite suite but the concept is a great one.
it does infer the 1st person has some pretty good secrets though. (don't we all)
the meter feels spot on, i say this because it flows from the mouth when spoke aloud. though may i suggest an 'all' before 'children' it sort of caught after 'like'

no nits really apart for the one. it's a good example of why rhyme still has a major role in poetry. the penultimate line rocks on cliché but another example of why a cliche shouldn't be dismissed out of hand, if it works well, as it does here, it works. the grammar also adds to the thing. something we as feedbackers (<---new word) seem to not mention (when it works well)

thanks for the read

[Erthona]

Thanks addy,

Yes, the idea was to juxtapose the silly idea that one can control life to such an extent as is diagrammed here with the prissiness of the sing song sort of Hallmark verse. The idea was to create a sort of an eerie backdrop for the cynicism. Each day gets its own coffin. You know, kind of the weirdness one feels about the Aunt who is just a little too much over the top with the flower prints, sachets, and cliche way of speaking. You wonder what is really behind all of that.

Billy,

"it does infer the 1st person has some pretty good secrets though." That's it in a nutshell (cliche, I know ). I just always wonder when a person feels the need to control every little thing, beyond of course, a girl who is about to get married (then it is expected). You were right it did need the "all". so I put it in, thanks.

Dale

[billy]

it does flow effortlessly and the rhyme doesn't feel forced which are two things anyone new to poetry
should try to emulate till they know enough to do differently.

[Philatone]

hey dale
some thoughts I had

I put my days in boxes so they can do no harm,
the lids are held securely with tightly knotted yarn. ...in a way, the adverbs felt a bit redundant to me (including the "quite" of the line below)
They are wedged quite snuggly and cannot move about,
gagged and muzzled well, so you’ll never hear them shout....in some ways, this line felt inconsistent with what preceded it. You always mention subjects in the lines above (the lids are held; they are wedged; they can do no harm) whereas here, it felt a bit chopped compared to what came before. who is the "you"? I feel as though I'm stretching my critique and being nitpicky, so if you take little from this I understand. these comments did come to mind, however, and I wanted to let you know
Just like all good children, seldom seen and never heard, ...personally, I stumbled from "children, seldom". probably just me though
so that when I’m in my grave, I will not be disturbed.

©2012 –Erthona

really like the dark undertones (especially of the final 2 lines) in a deceivingly peppy piece. I like the subject and writing; though I'm not sure if my comments will be of use