The Melancholy Angel

[Universalchild]

Down inside the darkness
of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning
with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight,
which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose
stalking patient to her last.

Violated garden lies
in ashes of her smile,
each flower stripped of colour
with his filthy lusts defile,
thus rain must fall forever,
leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs
like the liquid on the lace.

So her wings are made of dust,
and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding,
weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly
amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss
await in groves of vanity.

[Philatone]

hello Universalchild
it is nice to see this poem. just some thoughts:

the meter tripped me up on several lines (5, 7) though it may just be how i'm reading it at the moment. could all be fine, but another check never hurts

regarding content:
it's a dramatic piece, with some beautiful lines interwoven ("glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace"). that being said, I'm not sure if all of the poem is needed. I think, with some adjustments, you could trim the first 4 lines and start with the "violated garden", which is an interesting and refreshing idea to start with.

my last idea for now would be to find a way to avoid all those end-commas and periods; it would actually aid the rhymes and flow if you kept lines flowing from one to the next without having stop on a rhyme every time.

hope these are helpful!

[Erthona]

Hey Fayray,

Seems I've already read this and probably critiqued it. Glad to see you here and away from that ape pee place


Dale

[Leanne]

Hi there! I do like this, your garden metaphor is very well drawn and the mood is consistently dark with a bitter edge. The meter does fall down in a couple of places, but that's incredibly easy to fix. It's rare to find rhyming couplets that work this well.

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind, -- nice opening line, and very strong starting on a trochee
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last. -- it's possibly just an accent thing, but I say "mor-OSE", so the meter falls down a bit here to my reading -- ignore me if you say it differently
Violated garden lies beyond cooling ashes of her smile, -- meter-wise, I have serious trouble with this line, it's simply too long, perhaps something like "a violated garden lies behind her ashen smile"?
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lust's defile,
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face, -- "and" isn't necessary here
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace. -- this is pretty
So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass,
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity. -- really interesting closing couplet, with very nice use of triple rhymes

[billy]

Down inside the darkness of a twisted lonely mind,
began the end of meaning with the life she left behind,
now scattered in the moonlight, which is cast into the past,
where lurks a beast of morose stalking patient to her last. should the be a comma after stalking?
Violated garden lies beyond cooling ashes of her smile, feels a bit disjointed
each flower stripped of colour with his filthy lust's defile, would 'which' work better than 'with'?
and thus rain must fall forever, leaving marks upon her face,
or as glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace. nice L's
So her wings are made of dust, and her eyes are made of glass, i really like this line, it's so descriptive.
nameless lying bleeding, weaving words of golden grass,
while white lilies will grow eagerly amongst remains of sanity,
and pale reflections of her loss await in groves of vanity.

i love the sonics in the poem, though in places the meter feels a bit awkward. mostly it just flows like honey, sad honey i do admit.
the beginning is strong though it feels like i've heard similar to the 2nd line (though i don't know where) maybe it's just that well done it feels familiar.

some nice s, w, and l sounds going on and the end rhymes are nailed.

i enjoyed it, i do think a small edit could make it even more likable

thanks for the read.