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i saw you at the church today.
you waved to me & i waved back.
you went inside to worship your God.
i went to MacDonald's to worship mine.
neon & candles compete.
for me the former always wins;
this is a world of sidewalks, bins,
discarded sandwiches & death.
whatever transient pleasures,
be they destructive or common,
are worth pursuing in this life.
don't dwell on who's behind the door.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Hi Jack,
I like this. A few minor suggestions:
I would consider cutting bins. I think it would strengthen the line greatly. You also could probably cut whatever without hurting anything.
It's also possible you could cut this entire section:
whatever transient pleasures,
be they destructive or common,
are worth pursuing in this life.
The last line and the world of sidewalks, (bins), discarded sandwiches & death are fantastic. They have a lot of force to them.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Jack, I would agree with everything Todd says and in addition, you might consider different phrasing in the second couplet as I don't know that the repetition of "worship" is necessary -- it seems wasted in a small poem like this. Perhaps something along the lines of:
you went inside to worship your God.
i took communion with coke and fries
yeah, just playing... anyway... I love the contrasts and the discarded sandwiches image is very poignant.
It could be worse
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Thanks for you kind words and feedback guys
I love your revised line for the latter half of the second couplet Leanne!
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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08-22-2011, 10:52 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-22-2011, 10:53 AM by billy.)
(08-22-2011, 02:05 AM)Heslopian Wrote: i saw you at the church today.
you waved to me & i waved back.
you went inside to worship your God.
i went to MacDonald's to worship mine. can this be rephrased keeping the i went to macdoalds?
neon & candles compete.
for me the former always wins;
this is a world of sidewalks, bins, would 'in the' work instead of 'this is a' would an "and work better than the comma between sidewalks and bins
discarded sandwiches & death. could this move up and pair with the neon line (this is a great line)
whatever transient pleasures,
be they destructive or common, would this verse work better without this line
are worth pursuing in this life. is 'in this life' needed
don't dwell on who's behind the door. i really think this line is a strong closer. it's also my fave.
i like the comparison to the two religions. and the fact it depicts a sign of the times. i think if you can tighten it up just a little it would be publishable jmo
thanks for the read.
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Thanks for the feedback Bilbo
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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I have read this over about 10 times. I have no critique for you Jack - I adore it as is.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
