Mr. Thomas

[heslopian]

There was an old theatrical,
a luvvie loved by all.
In his dotage he dared to tell
of his love for his own sex,
and even this failed to vex
his beloved public.
He took himself a young lover
who could have been his son's brother.
He thought this new affair a sham,
as did his close friends,
and so the old man took pleasure
in making up for lost folly,
hedonism long denied.
But to his weary heart he lied
when the young man showed the signs
of affection running deep,
a river in a dark meadow
reflecting light between its shores.
That one should throw away their youth,
the happy scores
of sex and life,
to consign their heart to strife,
the prison of unselfish care,
offended Mr. Thomas so.
'But!' his prisoner implored, 'sex is fleeting, as is life,
and in the absence of a wife
why not take my soul to keep?
Mr. Thomas I love you,
not just as a foster dad
or a human credit card,
as the gossips would believe. '
Mr. Thomas pained himself
to make his prisoner see sense,
but still the young man stayed stubborn,
naive as a picket fence.
With heavy heart old Thomas took
his father's service pistol down,
resolved to free his prisoner
the only way he could see how.
And so against the boy's temple
he poised the barrel,
fired once, and now to make it through the day
he counts the sparrows on their way
past the bars of his gray cell,
hoping the boy is not in hell.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

The narrative held my attention. Here are some comments for you:

--

There was an old theatrical,
a luvvie loved by all,--luvvie is a nice touch. Good foreshadowing
an actor who could not appal
regardless what he partook in.--since you later have the vex line this seems unnecessary. This functions more like a header comment which is unnecessary since you have a specific example that demonstrates the truth of it.
His name was Mr. Thomas and--Your title gives you this already you can cut this line and add a he to the next line
in his dotage dared to tell
of his love for his own sex,--You could cut the first his
and even this failed to vex
his beloved public.
He took himself a young lover
who could have been his son's brother,
a performer
rising fast in the cultural sphere.
He thought this new affair a sham,
as did his close friends,
and so the old man took pleasure
in making up for lost folly,
hedonism long denied.
But to his weary heart he lied
when the young man showed the signs
of affection running deep,
a river in a dark meadow
reflecting light between its shores.--These last three lines are a great image
That one should throw away their youth,
the happy scores
of sex and life,
to consign their heart to strife,--not a real fan of this line Jack it feels not needed IMO
the prison of unselfish care,
offended Mr. Thomas so.
'But!' his prisoner implored, 'sex is fleeting, as is life,
and in the absence of a wife
why not take my soul to keep?
Mr. Thomas I love you,
not just as a foster dad
or a human credit card,
as the gossips would believe. '
Mr. Thomas pained himself
to make his prisoner see sense,
but still the young man stayed stubborn,
naive as a picket fence.--wonderful simile really well done
With heavy heart old Thomas took
his father's service pistol down,
resolved to free his prisoner
the only way he could see how.--this is fine but you could cut the line if you wish
And so against the boy's temple
he poised the barrel,
fired once, and now to make it through the day
he counts the sparrows on their way
past the bars of his gray cell,
hoping the boy is not in hell.--I absolutely love the sparrows line and the gray cell line. Cell and Hell though feels a bit underwhelming to me

So, on the whole I like the piece. I love the picket fence and the river parts. The narrative holds interest. My only issues are some editing options and wanting a stronger ending. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Todd, I will certainly consider some of your suggestions

[addy]

A great twisted love tale you have here. Needs a bit of an edit imo but has great drama which I liked.

There was an old theatrical,
a luvvie loved by all,
an actor who could not appal
regardless what he partook in. Seems vague? Are you trying to describe him as an actor or a person?
His name was Mr. Thomas and
in his dotage dared to tell
of his love for his own sex,
and even this failed to vex
his beloved public. haha
He took himself a young lover
who could have been his son's brother,
a performer
rising fast in the cultural sphere. "cultural sphere" seems a little weak for me... maybe because imo it doesn't mesh too well as an image with the action of rising
He thought this new affair a sham,
as did his close friends,
and so the old man took pleasure
in making up for lost folly,
hedonism long denied.
But to his weary heart he lied
when the young man showed the signs
of affection running deep,
a river in a dark meadow
reflecting light between its shores.
That one should throw away their youth,
the happy scores
of sex and life,
to consign their heart to strife,
the prison of unselfish care,
offended Mr. Thomas so. I find this part fascinating... that Mr. Thomas would find lavish and unwavering love to be so distressing (from his fans, from his lover), it sets up the twistedness nicely
'But!' his prisoner implored, 'sex is fleeting, as is life,
and in the absence of a wife
why not take my soul to keep?
Mr. Thomas I love you,
not just as a foster dad
or a human credit card,
as the gossips would believe. '
Mr. Thomas pained himself
to make his prisoner see sense,
but still the young man stayed stubborn,
naive as a picket fence. LOL great line
With heavy heart old Thomas took
his father's service pistol down, this gave me pause (not in a bad way), but was it meant to make the reader do that? I wondered, him being an old man, why it would be his father's pistol and not his own, about the man his father was, if he was haunted, etc. If the tangent is intentional then fair enough
resolved to free his prisoner
the only way he could see how.
And so against the boy's temple
he poised the barrel,
fired once, I think "poised the barrel, fired once" could be in one line... no point dragging out a gunshot and now to make it through the day
he counts the sparrows on their way
past the bars of his gray cell, nice image
hoping the boy is not in hell. Imo this is a little abrupt... i was hoping for a bit more rumination or insight? Or maybe an ending that ties it with theater like a curtain call (though I understand if you'd find that cheesy )

[billy]

There was an old theatrical,
a luvvie loved by all, the opening two has a nice lyrical feel to them
an actor who could not appal is this line and the one below needed, for me they pre empt the lines below.
regardless what he partook in.
His name was Mr. Thomas and feels redundant
in his dotage dared to tell
of his love for his own sex, is the 1st his needed
and even this failed to vex
his beloved public.
He took himself a young lover
who could have been his son's brother, is this line supposed to feel incestuous?
a performer
rising fast in the cultural sphere. (feels a little weak)
He thought this new affair a sham,
as did his close friends,
and so the old man took pleasure
in making up for lost folly,
hedonism long denied. i like this and the lead up, nicely narrated.
But to his weary heart he lied
when the young man showed the signs
of affection running deep,
a river in a dark meadow
reflecting light between its shores. for me this where there should be a line space , making two verses.
That one should throw away their youth,
the happy scores
of sex and life,
to consign their heart to strife,
the prison of unselfish care,
offended Mr. Thomas so. more good narrative from here and the lines that lead in
'But!' his prisoner implored, 'sex is fleeting, as is life,
and in the absence of a wife
why not take my soul to keep? this line feels icky hehe, it makes me remember my childhood prayers.
Mr. Thomas I love you,
not just as a foster dad now i see the son's brother line working, nice hook
or a human credit card, is human needed?
as the gossips would believe. '
Mr. Thomas pained himself
to make his prisoner see sense,
but still the young man stayed stubborn,
naive as a picket fence. i love this line
With heavy heart old Thomas took
his father's service pistol down,
resolved to free his prisoner
the only way he could see how. is see how needed
And so against the boy's temple
he poised the barrel,
fired once, and now to make it through the day
he counts the sparrows on their way
past the bars of his gray cell,
hoping the boy is not in hell.

i'll be honest jack. after the first few reads i didn't feel this was a too well crafted poem. i was totally wrong. the narrative is extremely well done. i loved the twist at the end where i thought the old man was going to off himself was'nt too keen on the sporadic rhyme
for me this poem has so much potential to be really good with a small edit. jmo
as always, thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the feedback, and taking the time to re-consider the poem Billy.
Do you think the story would work better if I told it again in free verse? The son's brother thing wasn't supposed to be an implication of incest - if it was I would have been more forthright about that element - it was simply meant to imply how much younger Mr. Thomas' lover was than him.
I think I will remove lines 3 - 5. I think they're as you would say "too poetic."
Surely the line wouldn't make sense if I removed "his" before "love for his own sex"? Whose love would it be?
For me "see how" is needed to show that there were other ways the old man could have dealt with the situation, but none he could readily grasp. If I removed those two words it would seem like the narrator is condoning murder

---

Thanks for the kind words and feedback to you as well Addy. I think I'll remove the "cultural sphere" line as well actually.

[billy]

in his dotage dared to tell
of love for his own sex,

it works for me

i pointed out why i changed my mind about the incest thing a bit further down.
for me it would work better as a consistent end rhyme scheme or without end rhyme

in a way if you kill someone for you are condoning murder

[heslopian]

"i pointed out why i changed my mind about the incest thing a bit further down."

Oh I see! I thought you were saying you felt the line "not just as a foster dad" further encouraged the possibility of incest when I read your initial comment.

"in a way if you kill someone for you are condoning murder"

I don't understand what you mean.

[billy]

why would i kill someone if i didn't condone such an action. it was the only way so he condoned it, he agreed to kill someone

to condone;
to accept, to allow

[heslopian]

Yes, Mr. Thomas condoned murder, but the narrator doesn't. Mr. Thomas isn't the narrator. I know what "condone" means.

[billy]

removed for attacking the person/admin

[billy]

mister thomas is the person the poems about, not the narrator.

mister thomas must condone murder