Fantasy

[heslopian]

There are no such things as imaginary worlds.
Places spoke about in books,
lands of elves and lion gods,
patched together from our own
boring universe, a poor girl's dress
stitched into being with carpet samples.

We as humans cannot grasp
a plain beyond our own. We have no knowledge
of what we can't see. Thus fantasy
is truth we make mosaics of.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I like the strong first line. I love lion gods (sort of a narnia call out). My only minor nits with the piece (and could just be preferences on my part):

are patched together from our own
boring universe, like a poor girl's dress
stitched into being with carpet samples.

Okay love the image though I think you could cut into being.

Thus fantasy
is really truth we make mosaics of.

This conclusion works for me with the girl's dress as a lead however I think you could cut Thus and really and lose virtually nothing.

Just some things to consider. It's a well put together piece.

Best,

Todd

[critical mass]

Heslopian

There are no such thing as imaginary worlds
***Should this read as "things".
or "is no such".

The places spoke about in books,
lands of elves and lion gods,
are patched together
from our own
boring universe, like a
*** loses the flow with boring universe, picks up again with the dress.

poor girl's dress
stitched into being with carpet samples.
***Good image here, like the "poor" and "samples" together. really complimentary.

We as humans cannot grasp
a plain beyond our own. We have no knowledge
of what we can't see. Thus



fantasy
is really truth we make mosaics of.

good line here really original I think. Reminds me of ur doughnuts.

Nice read, lots to think about

David

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback and kind words guys; critical mass, I'll change "thing" to the plural once I've done this

[billy]

There are no such things as imaginary worlds.
The places spoke about in books, is 'the' needed
lands of elves and lion gods,
are patched together from our own is 'are' needed
boring universe, like a poor girl's dress is 'like' needed or could you make a good metaphor?
stitched into being with carpet samples.

We as humans cannot grasp is 'we as' needed?
a plain beyond our own. We have no knowledge
of what we can't see. Thus fantasy is 'thus' needed?
is really truth we make mosaics of. is 'really' needed?

apart from what i see as a bit of baggage the poem works really well.
i particularly like the last verse. which puts fantasy into some kind of perspective.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and kind words.
If I removed both "the" and "are" the line wouldn't make grammatical sense. Try reading it as a self-contained prose sentence: "Places spoke about in books, lands of elves and lion gods, patched together from our own boring universe, a poor girl's dress stitched into being with carpet samples." You need "are" whether or not you have "the." So I'll delete the latter but keep the former. You could I suppose put an "is" before "a poor girl's dress" to make the sentence grammatically sound, but then you'd still have the same number of words as if you'd just deleted "the."
I'll also get rid of "like"; I agree that that comparison doesn't need the extra word to make it a simile.
If I removed "we as" the line I feel would become too clinical, like I was a zookeeper talking about the mating habits of the lemurs, and in keeping that tone consistent I'd also have to change "our" to "their." (That latter point is probably just me being neurotic.)
Regarding "thus," while I agree it isn't needed, I like how the word sounds, like I enjoy the sound of "nirvana." So I think I'll keep it purely for that reason. I will remove "really" from the last line though.

[billy]

sorry jack but i can't follow what's being said. the formats fucking my eyes up.
i can't see where i said remove is and are in the same line
any chance of writing the points down in poem format so i can understand better please. sorry for being a putz
this is what i meant;

There are no such things as imaginary worlds.
places spoke about in books,
lands of elves and lion gods,
patched together
from our own boring universe,
a poor girl's dress stitched into being
with carpet samples.

humans cannot grasp
a plain beyond our own. We have no knowledge
of what we can't see.
fantasy is truth we make mosaics of.

actually looking at it i think the enjambment needs a little work but that could just be me.

[heslopian]

Okay, here's my original comment divided into bullet points and arranged so each sentence has its own paragraph:

*If I removed both "the" and "are" the line wouldn't make grammatical sense.

Try reading it as a self-contained prose sentence:

"Places spoke about in books, lands of elves and lion gods, patched together from our own boring universe, a poor girl's dress stitched into being with carpet samples."

You need "are" whether or not you have "the." So I'll delete the latter but keep the former.

You could I suppose put an "is" before "a poor girl's dress" to make the sentence grammatically sound, but then you'd still have the same number of words as if you'd just deleted "the."

*I'll also get rid of "like"; I agree that that comparison doesn't need the extra word to make it a simile.

*If I removed "we as" the line I feel would become too clinical, like I was a zookeeper talking about the mating habits of the lemurs, and in keeping that tone consistent I'd also have to change "our" to "their."

(That latter point is probably just me being neurotic.)

*Regarding "thus," while I agree it isn't needed, I like how the word sounds, like I enjoy the sound of "nirvana." So I think I'll keep it purely for that reason. I will remove "really" from the last line though.

[billy]

sorry jack but the following works for me;
"Places spoke about in books, lands of elves and lion gods, patched together from our own boring universe, a poor girl's dress stitched into being with carpet samples."

[heslopian]

Actually thinking about it, following as it does the first line, that does make sense.

It seems I tend to labour under the belief that all sentences must be complete thoughts, but after jotting down such a sentence I see they don't.

I wrote a series of clauses - "Light falls on a stone, the sea withdraws, a sparrow alights on a branch" - as a single sentence to prove you wrong, but just proved myself wrong