Air of Water

[Deor Ana Log]

Mulling by moonshine,
I raise my glass - 
A question to heaven
Knowing not of sky-tied seats,
or the annum each evening
I might revel in taming the breeze, 
if utopia wasn’t haunting, 
so icy 
A waltz with my shadow is
less lonely,
not quite camaraderie

Step into my pavilion, painted rose
One shade is left ajar, far above
An insomniac casts shadow
In the window, pain
Our crescent light still glows
After we were torn apart
I abhor unshared peace
elation as grief, 
untenable from humanity
and each month, our moon blinks
flawlessness, it never did exist
And if we are elders
Let us share this eye
In the sky amid
a thousand miles 

Translation of Prelude To Water Melody by 苏轼

[Luckieman]

In order to critique this fairly, I'd have to know how much of the form was transferred from the original as opposed to determined by the translator. As a translator myself I've found that it's possible to translate the words closely and still utterly change the meaning conveyed, by modifying the form and presentation of a poem - indeed this usually happens when translating strictly literally. It's sometimes better in places to distort the semantics (or even the local meaning) in order to maintain the form.

[busker]

There are some strange word choices here - annum, sky-tied, moonshine, etc and the punctuation makes it harder to follow.

If you’re translating from the original, then it reads almost like a word for word.

I wouldn’t suggest that you rewrite it entirely, but it has to work in the English idiom

[Deor Ana Log]

There are some strange word choices here - annum, sky-tied, moonshine, etc and the punctuation makes it harder to follow.

If you’re translating from the original, then it reads almost like a word for word.

I wouldn’t suggest that you rewrite it entirely, but it has to work in the English idiom

Could you please clarify your feedback here, as translations are meant to translate. Do you speak Chinese and can understand the original poem? Also what does 'english idiom' mean. Thanks for the help - Deor Ana Log

[busker]

There are some strange word choices here - annum, sky-tied, moonshine, etc and the punctuation makes it harder to follow.

If you’re translating from the original, then it reads almost like a word for word.

I wouldn’t suggest that you rewrite it entirely, but it has to work in the English idiom

Could you please clarify your feedback here, as translations are meant to translate. Do you speak Chinese and can understand the original poem? Also what does 'english idiom' mean. Thanks for the help - Deor Ana Log

You can translate word for word or you can translate the gist of the thing
Or something in between
The closer you are to word for word the odder some of the word choices will seem. Sky-tied might be one such.
An idiom such as “taming the breeze” doesn’t exist in English. Unless you meant it literally or were being extremely poetic. Even then, I’m not clear what that line means.