Cool Morning - edit, title change

[dukealien]

Cool Morning


This morning I have lit a charming fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in orange, blue, and saffron-gold
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but emanating heat and captive threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
that little blaze arrests my passing gaze
each time I turn my head and see it burn.
We humans have made fire our eager slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

original version;

A Lighting


Cool morning.  I have lit a merry fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in saffron, blue and petal-white
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but that it emanates faint heat and threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
it catches at my eye each time I turn
across a line of sight including it.
We humans have made fire our willing slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

[Bunx]

A Lighting   After reading this a few times, I'm a little confused with how the title relates to the poem. Just a lil idea but "fake fire" or "fake fireplace" could be a fun catchy title. Something that potentially eludes too technological advancement.


Cool morning.  I have lit a merry fire  I don't recognize the the poems format but I see the syllable pattern. I feel like merry is a little "light" of a word. I was thinking "modern" might elude to the theme. 
with gas and electricity, but still 
it flames in saffron, blue and petal-white
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen these last two lines sound great read aloud. 
of glass; it might as well be video
but that it emanates faint heat and threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
it catches at my eye each time I turn
across a line of sight including it.
We humans have made fire our willing slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive. An interesting ending and thought provoking. I feel like when I think of truly harnessing nuclear it would be for Nuclear Power something that benefits humanity. But when I think about a thriving fire I think of like more destructive  forces and renewal after the burn. I could be likened to fossil fuels or something like that too. Sorry my analysis is way off.


It was a really solid read thanks for the post  

[brynmawr1]

A Lighting


Cool morning.  I have lit a merry fire  Could be the title, ie 'Cool Morning'
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in saffron, blue and petal-white  saffron is yellow, which works as an inefficient flame, where as blue and white are the opposite.  Easily fixed, I think.
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but that it emanates faint heat and threat.  how about, "emanating faint heat and little threat"? or similar.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
it catches at my eye each time I turn  the 'at' is awkward
across a line of sight including it.  again, awkward bordering on Yoda speak.
We humans have made fire our willing slave  did we ask?  JK
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

Hi Duke,
IMO, this is generally well executed.  I do think that there are a few places where you forced the rhythm which was unnecessary, IMO.  I also think that your main thesis is presented too late to be as effective as it could be.  FYI, I agree!
Take care,
Bryn

[dukealien]

edit;

Cool Morning


This morning I have lit a charming fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in orange, blue, and saffron-gold
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but emanating heat and captive threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
that little blaze arrests my passing gaze
each time I turn my head and see it burn.
We humans have made fire our eager slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

---

Thanks to both critics.  To resolve the issue of just what the darn thing looks like,  I lit off that fireplace to see.  The flames are intentionally inefficient - it is, at least in part, an entertainment device - and shade from more blue than I'd expected, through pale yellow and fading into clear orange at the top.  There's no white - I think a gas lamp requires a mantle to get close to that.  The edges of the "logs" are demon-eye bright orange.  It's all electrons hopping shells and kicking out  photons, but artistically designed for an atavistic effect.

Concerning what kind of fire and what kind of slave, decide for yourself.

[wasellajam]

I've been enjoying this poem and I am loving this edit, just right. My one little nit left is below.

Cool Morning


This morning I have lit a charming fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in orange, blue, and saffron-gold
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but emanating heat and captive threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds– "For" sounds stiff to me and I don't see why you need it.
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
that little blaze arrests my passing gaze
each time I turn my head and see it burn.
We humans have made fire our eager slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.
Nice slave/thrive, gives the satisfaction of a couplet without an actual rhyme. 

original version;

A Lighting


Cool morning.  I have lit a merry fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in saffron, blue and petal-white
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but that it emanates faint heat and threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
it catches at my eye each time I turn
across a line of sight including it.
We humans have made fire our willing slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

Thanks for posting it and making such good use of bryn's and Bunx's critiques.

[dukealien]

I've been enjoying this poem and I am loving this edit, just right. My one little nit left is below.

Cool Morning


This morning I have lit a charming fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in orange, blue, and saffron-gold
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but emanating heat and captive threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds– "For" sounds stiff to me and I don't see why you need it.
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
that little blaze arrests my passing gaze
each time I turn my head and see it burn.
We humans have made fire our eager slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.
Nice slave/thrive, gives the satisfaction of a couplet without an actual rhyme. 

original version;

A Lighting


Cool morning.  I have lit a merry fire
with gas and electricity, but still
it flames in saffron, blue and petal-white
on logs of porcelain, with cinder screen
of glass; it might as well be video
but that it emanates faint heat and threat.

For as I go about my breakfast rounds–
the brewing, microwaving, counting pills–
it catches at my eye each time I turn
across a line of sight including it.
We humans have made fire our willing slave
like nuclear, but dare not let it thrive.

Thanks for posting it and making such good use of bryn's and Bunx's critiques.

"Then" would work and sound less highfalutin, but loses the cause-effect factor.  I'll think about it...

(And thanks for the read.)