Watching cars drive by.

[JamesG]

Second draft. I lost the part about the jewelled insects (although I might bring it back)


Watching cars drive by.



It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.

An old car drove by,
as cars are wont to do,
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming.
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat on a bench between
two malnourished trees,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds,
chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
in that Seventies afternoon light.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.






Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century,
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming.
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung to the
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.

Chipping, chipping,
till my fingers bled and
I had to pick out the
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
in that Seventies afternoon light.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

[wasellajam]

Hi, James, a lot to like here. The poem sets a mood and has some strong images and enjoyable language.

Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.
"Seventies light" confuses me, the light was different that decade? L2/3 give me that early spring budding halo but L4 is all Tell, what is painted honey? If it's honey in a painting give me that, and yellow is off for honey for me.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century, I don't think you need this line.
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming. Possibly "dreams:"
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment, I like this whole sequence, maybe with the exception of "tin" which works in its line but not really with cars for me.
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
I'd prefer "sit" closer to "bench", Other cars go by, I'm on a bench...
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung on to the particularly weak break.
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
These five lines are a strong image. Though I can get desperate vs angry, "unhappy trees" is off, maybe something describing them as malnourished.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.
Another strong image and metaphor, you might avoid the double -ing with "to reveal".

Chipping, chipping,ave more impact.[/b]
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.
Very dramatic, I was with you until "meat of my fingers", a step too far for me.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping Nice line and image.
over quivering metal skin, I'm not a fan of "quivering", I get the idea and image, it just seems not quite the right word.
in that Seventies afternoon light. I still have the same issue with this.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I hope my notes help a bit. Thanks for posting it, I'm enjoying the read.

[JamesG]

Hi, James, a lot to like here. The poem sets a mood and has some strong images and enjoyable language.

Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.
"Seventies light" confuses me, the light was different that decade? L2/3 give me that early spring budding halo but L4 is all Tell, what is painted honey? If it's honey in a painting give me that, and yellow is off for honey for me.
The idea of a "seventies light" came to me as a metaphor for a form of nostalgia, or a light that triggers a buried memory; A light that has that baked in kind of yellow, filmic hue you get during the golden hour.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century, I don't think you need this line.
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming. Possibly "dreams:" I prefer dreaming tbh
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,  I like this whole sequence, maybe with the exception of "tin" which works in its line but not really with cars for me. 
"Steel" maybe? The tin thing is meant to convey fragility, I guess.
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
I'd prefer "sit" closer to "bench", Other cars go by, I'm on a bench... I'll have a look at this
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung on to the particularly weak break. I can lose this 
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
These five lines are a strong image. Though I can get desperate vs angry, "unhappy trees" is off, maybe something describing them as malnourished.
I did wonder whether "unhappy, desperate and angry " were a bit much so close together
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.
Another strong image and metaphor, you might avoid the double -ing with "to reveal". Yes I'll look at this

Chipping, chipping,ave more impact.[/b]
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.
Very dramatic, I was with you until "meat of my fingers", a step too far for me.
I was wondering if it would be better to lose this verse altogether

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping Nice line and image.
over quivering metal skin, I'm not a fan of "quivering", I get the idea and image, it just seems not quite the right word.
I do quite like this as I think it gives and animalistic quality to the line but I will try out some alts
in that Seventies afternoon light. I still have the same issue with this.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I hope my notes help a bit. Thanks for posting it, I'm enjoying the read.

Your notes were great, I will do another draft.

[JamesG]

Second draft posted

[matsunosuperfan]

Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey. (I enjoy the music of this stanza, but it's a bit flat as an opening, and "like painted honey" isn't the most arresting figuration to announce the poem's intentions with.)

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do, (for instance, the poem could begin here and I would not complain)
an old car, though this century,
not the old that I remember,
the cars [of my dreaming.]  (This bit of editorial seems appropriate, but the language could be more inventive and particular)
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri, (I love this evocative list of names...)
[exotically suggestive,] (...and so I find this follow-up of plain labeling superfluous and disappointing)
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (good way to introduce the underlying trouble. this was smoothly handled)

I sat and watched other cars go by,
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung to the
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath. (idk, this stanza is trying hard and I appreciate language like "clung to the side of the smoky tarmac" and "desperate grass", but in terms of the poem's narrative arc I would still like more movement and energy to happen here. it's beginning to feel a bit too "still life," while you've introduced this undercurrent of human drama that I want to feel more intensely developing)

Chipping, chipping,
till my fingers bled and
I had to pick out the
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects, (love this run!)
[desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.] (agree this final couplet trends a bit melodramatic; good gesture, good impulse, maybe try again with the execution)

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping
over quivering metal skin,
[in that Seventies afternoon light.] (I'm still not convinced this line justifies its sentimentality; feels like a good candidate for a darling to kill)
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it. (boo to the summative gesture as ending! we can do better, and the poem deserves a more ambitious close. I'm with you for the sunlight slipping and the quivering metal skin, but otherwise this last stanza needs to do more and try to do more, I think) 
[/quote]

I think this draft has good heart and the occasion is compelling. I find myself wanting a lot more drama from the scene, which is present but feels a bit incidental to the occasion right now. The speaker understands the connection between the images and the more emotionally charged declaratives, but sometimes I find myself straining across that gap. To me it feels like there is a missing element that could bring more of a sense of thematic coherence to the piece and "clue me in" better as to the particulars of what makes these cars passing so evocative for our speaker. Thanks for sharing your work with me <3