Longing Youth

[Mic]

‘Don’t look directly at the sun’ 
went the advice to children in the summer, 
as over ancient roads they'd run, 
seeing who was faster. 

They would make it to the end and, 
having won the world, 
would stare up at unholy God 
and let their eyes be blurred. 

They would grow beyond their skin, 
let ego push them tall,
they'd rip all muscle to stretch thin,
only wither, weaken, and inevitably fall. 

Hobbling to their deathbeds, 
they’d pull the future close 
and with a smile, part. 
Wishing only to be less. If only they had the heart.




the last stanza is clunky but it was the best I managed on my own

[rowens]

The whole thing seems clunky; not necessarily bad.

Phrases seem clunky, intentionally. A plain-spoken roughness. There are ways to make that work without standing out much.

Ancient roads and unholy God are walking a similar line.


The rhyming works in similar ways. And you can play, by making people assume rhymes without them being there. You could do that by making it fast instead of faster, break instead of fall. And leaving the final rhyme as it is, part and heart.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello MIC-

The best part of this poem, for me, is your use of near rhymes:

summer / faster

world / blurred

Not sure where this poem intended to take me, but I didn't get there. It is full of questionable platitudes. The broad brush you use could be more specific. You presume to know things about "they" , yet I don't know how, or who "they" are even supposed to be, as the generic youth is far too general:

They would make it to the end and,
having won the world,
would stare up at unholy God
and let their eyes be blurred.

They would grow beyond their skin,
let ego push them tall,

[Bruce V]

For me this is an obvious journey of life from youth to death. Clear and explicit. It seems to me the description of God as "unholy", is unnecessary drama, and counter-productive..
The last stanza, I agree, is clunky, but it does convey an essential spirituality in "wishing to be less" -- the antithesis of the 'normal' desire to be more.
Why does your last stanza depart from previous rhyme scheme? A new, final line could really elevate this poem.
Sorry if this is a poor critique, but I have difficulty taking apart someone else's work.