Sheriff Son

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Sheriff Son
silver-lined enemies—
 
a boy points
 finger—
 
“click” “puh-chow” “puh-chow”
candid cans—
 
slow to shoot back.
jean-holstered finger—
 
star-loaded hands
 
gunslinging daydreaming,
 
as the sheriff.
Father God,
 
yelling thunder broke the yard—
 
back to work the boy goes.

[CRNDLSM]

Sheriff Son
silver-lined enemies—
 backed by gold, optimistic, and silhoueted
a boy points
 finger—
 games
“click” “puh-chow” “puh-chow” cause he says it out loud 
candid cans—
 probably someones real target practice
slow to shoot back. Foreshadowing maybe
jean-holstered finger—
 not without spinning it first
star-loaded hands
 
gunslinging daydreaming,
 maybe you don't need to say we're daydreaming, but it sounds nice
as the sheriff.
Father God,
 oh sheriffs son, father as God, yelling through the yard like thunder for playing with his shooting cans maybe, 
yelling thunder broke the yard—
 yelling throws me off though, or maybe it brings me in, layers
back to work the boy goes. Oh how old is this boy? Finger guns are for any ages but what kinda work he out here doing?

Interesting slice of life I'm getting, plenty to mull over, thanks for sharing

[alonso ramoran]

Hi ilovewomenandbeer,

You have a sparse poem that does well at conveying an image. Thoughts below

Sheriff Son
silver-lined enemies—
 the clouds that are referred to by the end, with "thunder"
a boy points
 finger—
 
“click” “puh-chow” “puh-chow”
candid cans—
 you might risk some confusion--are the cans the silver-lined enemies as well? or are they a separate thing?
slow to shoot back. this is the kid's imagination of an antagonist being slower on the draw than the dexterous cowboy hero
jean-holstered finger—
how about thumb instead of finger? for a sharper image and to avoid repetition of finger
star-loaded hands
 i think of a sheriff's badge, but this line may be leaning a little too abstract for me to come to this conclusion
gunslinging daydreaming,
 quality
as the sheriff.
Father God,
 
yelling thunder broke the yard—
 i think you can cut yelling, but if you wanna keep it, you can move up yelling to the line above to convey multiple ideas with a line break
back to work the boy goes.

Thank you for sharing!

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Hi ilovewomenandbeer,

You have a sparse poem that does well at conveying an image. Thoughts below

Sheriff Son
silver-lined enemies—
 the clouds that are referred to by the end, with "thunder"
a boy points
 finger—
 
“click” “puh-chow” “puh-chow”
candid cans—
 you might risk some confusion--are the cans the silver-lined enemies as well? or are they a separate thing?
slow to shoot back. this is the kid's imagination of an antagonist being slower on the draw than the dexterous cowboy hero
jean-holstered finger—
how about thumb instead of finger? for a sharper image and to avoid repetition of finger
star-loaded hands
 i think of a sheriff's badge, but this line may be leaning a little too abstract for me to come to this conclusion
gunslinging daydreaming,
 quality
as the sheriff.
Father God,
 
yelling thunder broke the yard—
 i think you can cut yelling, but if you wanna keep it, you can move up yelling to the line above to convey multiple ideas with a line break
back to work the boy goes.

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond—I really appreciate the thoughtful feedback.

I think you pointed out something I’m actively working through right now, which is the balance between layering and clarity. A lot of my images are meant to carry more than one meaning at once, but I’m realizing that without enough signaling, that layering can come across more as disconnection than depth.

For example, with “silver-lined enemies,” I was trying to hold multiple ideas in the same space—the cans as immediate targets, the clouds as imagined enemies tied to the “thunder,” and even a broader sense of things that don’t “shoot back” yet. I can see now how that might read as unclear rather than intentionally layered, especially without a stronger bridge between those images.

I also understand your confusion around whether the cans and “silver-lined enemies” are the same or separate—that’s on me for not guiding the reader more clearly through that progression.

Your note about abstraction, especially with “star-loaded hands,” makes sense too. I think I leaned a bit too far into suggestion there without grounding it enough for the image to land cleanly.

Overall, your critique helped me see where I need to sharpen the progression of ideas so the layers feel connected rather than competing. I’ll probably revisit the poem with that in mind—keeping the layered intent, but making the relationships between images clearer.

Thanks again for the insight.