The Luminous Other

[whisperer]

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire,
And smoulders gently under this disguise.
The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

[busker]

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire, … ‘Embers of” would be a simile of a valid (though avoidable) metaphor.  

And smoulders gently under this disguise. … what disguise? We were on a simile of a metaphor. Italicised: cliche

The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

Hi whisperer - the poem is hard to understand because you’re trying too hard to make the lines rhyme and in the process, you’re getting lost in all sorts of similes, metaphors, and filler words.

Take:
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Assuming that the speaker is either a ghost or a vampire, or just a lover with MPD (“her love by my side”), why would the subject be sorrowful if the speaker’s words don’t arrive? She seems to be doing well, smouldering.

One example of getting lost in the simile has been pointed out in the text.

I like the idea of trying ti write a poem with traditional rhyme and metre, but the content needs to be thought through

[milo]

Hello and thanks for posting this.  The title works for me, it is interesting enough to draw me to the poem.


It looks like you may have been shooting for a Shakespearean Sonnet.  I already read the spoiler where you say the meter is off and it is deliberate but for the life of me I can't figure out why.  It is pretty close to perfect IP so you could easily enough fix it up.  I am going to assume you just don't want comments on the meter and that is fair.

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire,
And smoulders gently under this disguise.
The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

The first line is a what we sometimes call a mixed metaphor.  i feel like you wanted to use ember in a poem and mention the sunset.  Embers do look a little like a sunset but how do they glow different in sunset's fire than the regular glow of an ember?  As a reader, I just can't quite wrap my head around it.  You have some cliche sprinkled throughout but maybe you wanted to leave that as well?  I will mention them and you can do with it what you wish.  

stars align

also, is this a statue?  they have gems in their eyes?

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

danced in moonlight
words like honey
rising tide

the message continues fine through here, we have an indeterminate "she" - our narrator seems quite fond of her.  you are running into the issue that sometimes happens in poetry where our narrator is listing their day in first person real time which creates a strange fakeness.

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

I am a little lost on potion, it might make sense to clear that up for the reader.

Overall, a nice little sonnet, not sure what you are thinking of doing with it, maybe give it to her for a birthday present?

Thanks for posting

[whisperer]

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire, … ‘Embers of” would be a simile of a valid (though avoidable) metaphor.  

And smoulders gently under this disguise. … what disguise? We were on a simile of a metaphor. Italicised: cliche

The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

Hi whisperer - the poem is hard to understand because you’re trying too hard to make the lines rhyme and in the process, you’re getting lost in all sorts of similes, metaphors, and filler words.

Take:
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Assuming that the speaker is either a ghost or a vampire, or just a lover with MPD (“her love by my side”), why would the subject be sorrowful if the speaker’s words don’t arrive? She seems to be doing well, smouldering.

One example of getting lost in the simile has been pointed out in the text.

I like the idea of trying ti write a poem with traditional rhyme and metre, but the content needs to be thought through

Hi Busker,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and leave a review. I really wanted to try my hand at a traditional sonnet while continuing to use my own poetic voice. I guess that's why there are maybe a few too many similes and I may have gotten a little lost in the structure and lost  my way with the story itself. Thank you for pointing that out. Let me see what I can do with this. Thanks again for taking the time to read this and to leave a review. Much appreciated

---

Hello and thanks for posting this.  The title works for me, it is interesting enough to draw me to the poem.


It looks like you may have been shooting for a Shakespearean Sonnet.  I already read the spoiler where you say the meter is off and it is deliberate but for the life of me I can't figure out why.  It is pretty close to perfect IP so you could easily enough fix it up.  I am going to assume you just don't want comments on the meter and that is fair.

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire,
And smoulders gently under this disguise.
The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

The first line is a what we sometimes call a mixed metaphor.  i feel like you wanted to use ember in a poem and mention the sunset.  Embers do look a little like a sunset but how do they glow different in sunset's fire than the regular glow of an ember?  As a reader, I just can't quite wrap my head around it.  You have some cliche sprinkled throughout but maybe you wanted to leave that as well?  I will mention them and you can do with it what you wish.  

stars align

also, is this a statue?  they have gems in their eyes?

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

danced in moonlight
words like honey
rising tide

the message continues fine through here, we have an indeterminate "she" - our narrator seems quite fond of her.  you are running into the issue that sometimes happens in poetry where our narrator is listing their day in first person real time which creates a strange fakeness.

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

I am a little lost on potion, it might make sense to clear that up for the reader.

Overall, a nice little sonnet, not sure what you are thinking of doing with it, maybe give it to her for a birthday present?

Thanks for posting

Hi Milo,

Your critique was very much in line with Busker's. I admit to not being too experienced with the sonnet and may have gotten lost in the structure and that affected the flow of the story. I will take these comments and go back to the drawing board and see what I can come up with. Thank you for taking the time to read this and to leave a review. Much appreciated.