Elusive object of desire

[Dris]

I look in the mirror and what I see,
is an elusive object of desire,
a beautiful woman,
who opens her Mouth
to speak

"I hide behind the curtain that is my hair"
though the hot iron has rendered her hair so brittle
"it hides my tears"
though they flow regardless
"I wish to be strong like the ocean"
as though salt water does not make up both?

The ocean already rages from within her

"I wish to be worthy"
though she is already so,
the Earth cries over her worthiness

"But I sharpen the knife that cuts me
I bite the hand that feeds me
I salt the wound that aches me"

"Every Sunday night
room full of powdered faced girls
Smell of tequila. Puff of smoke. Taste of Rum. Ache of light. Sound of bass. Sound of my Soul.

Flicker of flame. Flicker of light. Just like a lily--no--just like a face

sunday night
room and girl
sound of bass
sound of my Soul

Face looks at me,
Eyes bulging
Mumbling something
Such strained breath
As if on brink of death

sunday night
room and girl
sound of beat
sound of soul

Face looks at me
mumbling something
mouth is moving

Lip reading--it must be saying
'free me, free me'

sound of bass
sound of soul

Powdered faced girls
Arms in mine
They drag me away
Leaving the face behind

Smell of tequila. Puff of smoke. Taste of Rum. Ache of light. Sound of bass. Sound of DJ. Sound of laughter. Time to go"

Note: I know exactly what message I'm trying to portray through this poem but I'm having a really hard time conveying it. I'm curious to know how the readers will interpret the purpose of this poem and the message behind it.

[MidaPoems]

what I'd say is that it's one long sentence with good line breaks. But try to end sentences with. It can help line breaks be heavier in the poem.
otherwise, good structure.
The end of the poem may seem a bit chaotic because it's all so close together. I suggest a few line breaks there, too.
Hope I helped a bit

I’d say it begins with insecurities not seeing what others see in you no matter what.
The you go to section 2 about the harm it causes.
Section 3, the coping with the said harm.
That’s what I perceive in it

[Dris]

what I'd say is that it's one long sentence with good line breaks. But try to end sentences with. It can help line breaks be heavier in the poem.
otherwise, good structure.
The end of the poem may seem a bit chaotic because it's all so close together. I suggest a few line breaks there, too.
Hope I helped a bit

I’d say it begins with insecurities not seeing what others see in you no matter what.
The you go to section 2 about the harm it causes.
Section 3, the coping with the said harm.
That’s what I perceive in it

Thank you for the feedback!

[whisperer]

I love the short lines. It adds to the punchiness of this piece. I love how you introduced ideas and associations in one single quote "Sunday nights.......powdered faces.....tequila.......smoke........rum.........bass......soul." then returned to them throughout the piece to anchored them to the theme. We generally return to what deeply troubles us, or what we feel is a way out of our troubles. These lines gain great importance through the repeating. The poem ends with a quote, but I can't find the beginning of it.

As for the theme, I think you nailed it. You painted a picture of someone that is living a life, or maybe is in a profession, that they do not want. There is a inner voice, or knowing, or seeing, that there is something better out there, but your subject feels stuck in the life they see with their physical senses. You bounce nicely between hoping for a better future and living in the present now, even if it's not ideal.

Well written. Nice imagery and storytelling. Captivating and punchy. Hopeful and devastating. Loved reading this. Thanks for sharing.

[Dris]

I love the short lines. It adds to the punchiness of this piece. I love how you introduced ideas and associations in one single quote "Sunday nights.......powdered faces.....tequila.......smoke........rum.........bass......soul." then returned to them throughout the piece to anchored them to the theme. We generally return to what deeply troubles us, or what we feel is a way out of our troubles. These lines gain great importance through the repeating. The poem ends with a quote, but I can't find the beginning of it.

As for the theme, I think you nailed it. You painted a picture of someone that is living a life, or maybe is in a profession, that they do not want. There is a inner voice, or knowing, or seeing, that there is something better out there, but your subject feels stuck in the life they see with their physical senses. You bounce nicely between hoping for a better future and living in the present now, even if it's not ideal.

Well written. Nice imagery and storytelling. Captivating and punchy. Hopeful and devastating. Loved reading this. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you <333 your words mean a lot