To You who hold the Key (New Version)

[l.i.am]

To You who hold the Key

Here I am beneath a twilight, wondering still before the starlight,
Dream-born eyes so twist my sonder that I vainly hoped to see
Through this glass beside my doorway biting gaze that tempts betray
Ties of want that may just one day set my captive spirit free;
Someday meet those knowing gazes— O how sweet it might just be
For You who hold the Key.

Peering simply through the mirror gulled by days of yore held dearer,
Here lie skies of heaven: noble crosses line a faraway sea,
Flawless seraph lilts a song for those that pass the hazy shore,
Gaze that shows me all I long for, wishing O that I could see
Binds of blood that quell my yearning, holding close what stillness could be
With You who hold the Key.

Hear this voice of mercy guilting, veiling wonder into wilting,
Song so vivid hollows, carving sense that only I could see—
Horror spreads its fingers gripping, winds my blood that burns from ripping,
Hear my heartbeat slowly tripping, stripping all that I ought to be—
Void of pity O how could I? Doubting what we're meant to be
Dread. Save You who hold the Key.

Winding through a labyrinth coiling, heaven's sky turns livid boiling,
All is gone as quagmire closes, futile trying still to flee
Desolation, chorus dying— voices all but liquefying—
Desolation terrifying smothers worthless every plea—
smothers every worthless plea yet blest I might still be
Through You who hold the Key.

Peering simply past the mirror, daybreak livens never nearer
Doubting shadows drawn from moonlight. Empty; only ever me—
But this solemn meadow still holds neither souls nor marigolds,
Never knowing what it holds, You. Who else could it ever be?
Nothing truer nor less forlorn, dreaming what could only be
You. Who ever held the Key—

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Curious in particular about interpretations, any egregious metrical hiccups and just.. overall feedback. Thanks!

Edits:
S1L1: wondering faint before the starlight, -> wondering still before the starlight,
S1L2: Dream-born eyes so twist my sonder, vainly I so hoped to see -> Dream-born eyes so twist my sonder that I vainly hoped to see
S1L3: glinting gaze that tempts -> biting gaze that tempts
S1L4: may just someday -> may just one day
S3L2: Song so vivid quaintly hollows, sense that only I could foresee— -> Song so vivid hollows, carving sense that only I could see—
S3L3: wound my blood -> winds my blood
S3L6: Dread. Sans You who hold the Key. -> Dread. Save You who hold the Key.
S4L2: This and more as quagmire closes, futile even trying to flee -> All is gone as quagmire closes, futile trying still to flee
S5L4: Never knowing what it beholds, You. Who else could it be? -> Never knowing what it holds, You. Who else could it ever be?

[Mostly Holy]

Oh what a wonderful poem, I do love a good Gothic mope! I shall attempt a line by line criticism, altho I have not tried this before so please forgive me if / when I mess it up.

To You who hold the Key

Here I am beneath a twilight, wondering faint before the starlight,
"Wondering faint" is an odd phrase that does not seem to mean anything obvious. What does it mean to "wonder faintly"?

Dream-born eyes so twist my sonder, vainly I so hoped to see
This sounds great except "sonder", and the first "so" suggests there will be a "that" before the next clause, which there is not, so it scans a little awkwardly. Looking it up, the two meanings of "sonder" you might be going for are the German word for "special", and a neologism: "Sonder refers to the realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own, where everyone is both a main character and a background figure in their own stories. It was coined by writer John Koenig in 2012." Neither meaning seems a great fit, tho.

Through this glass beside my doorway glinting gaze that tempts betray
This is a pretty line but it is a little unclear. Whose "glinting gaze"? Is someone watching the narrator thru a window? Is it a stained glass window, with a face on it, possibly an Angel given the next stanza? Also "that tempts betray" is difficult to parse, does it mean it tempts the narrator to betray "ties of want", or that it betrays its desire for salvation somehow?

Ties of want that may just someday set my captive spirit free;
Someday meet those knowing gazes— O how sweet it might just be
For You who hold the Key.
"Just someday" is a little weak, otherwise I really loved this part

Peering simply through the mirror gulled by days of yore held dearer,
Gulled as in tricked, or stained by seagull guano? Either way, a neat image

Here lie skies of heaven: noble crosses line a faraway sea,
Flawless seraph lilts a song for those that pass the hazy shore,
First half of this pair is very interesting, "noble crosses line a faraway shore", but you do not develop it and "Seraph lilts a song" is skirting cliche, I think a more visual image, even if cryptic, would work better here

Gaze that shows me all I long for, wishing O that I could see
Binds of blood that quell my yearning, holding close what stillness could be
With You who hold the Key.

Hear this voice of mercy guilting, veiling wonder into wilting,
"Mercy guilting" is an interesting concept, makes me think of the social pressures religion places on people to be seen to act "properly", "veiling wonder into wilting" is hard to make sense of. How does veiling wonder wilt it? What does "veiling wonder" even mean, and how does a "voice of mercy" do such a thing? These are great phrases, but if you do not develop them they do not develop a clear meaning in the reader's mind

Song so vivid quaintly hollows, sense that only I could foresee—
"Quaintly hollows" is another interesting phrase that does not bring to mind any particular image by itself, and "foreseeing sense" is vague

Horror spreads its fingers gripping, wound my blood that burns from ripping,
"Wound my blood" is cryptic, blood "burning from ripping" even more so, but again you do not elaborate so these striking phrases leave no clear image in my mind

Hear my heartbeat slowly tripping, stripping all that I ought to be—
Void of pity O how could I? Doubting what we're meant to be;
Dread. Sans You who hold the Key.
"Sans" looks out of place since it is the only non-English term in the poem. Perhaps "save" or "spare"?

Winding through a labyrinth coiling, heaven's sky turns livid boiling,
Another intriguing image, left undeveloped. What is the labyrinth? What does "heavens sky boiling" look like? Is this a reference to clouds, or to a storm? It feels more introspective than that, but I am honestly not sure

This and more as quagmire closes, futile even trying to flee
Desolation, chorus dying— voices all but liquefying—
Desolation terrifying smothers worthless every plea—
I really like this part where the narrator has a kind of meltdown, feels like they are losing themselves in the mire of their own mind

smothers every worthless plea, yet blest I might still be
Through You who hold the Key.

Peering simply past the mirror, daybreak livens never nearer
Doubting shadows drawn from moonlight. Empty; only ever me—
But this solemn meadow still holds neither souls nor marigolds,
Marigolds? What an oddly specific choice

Never knowing what it beholds, You. Who else could it be?
I cannot parse "what it be holds", does it just mean "what it holds"?

Nothing truer nor less forlorn, dreaming what could only be
You. Who ever held the Key—

----------------------

Curious in particular about interpretations, any egregious metrical hiccups and just.. overall feedback. Thanks!

Method: An odd rhyme pattern roughly ababbB, altho three of the a rhymes are slants and two of them do not rhyme at all (nearer / marigolds and starlight / betray). I have a terrible ear for meter but yours seems to wobble. I feel slant rhymes are a good idea with so many repeating rhymes, but I feel it should be the b rhymes and not the a rhymes that slant, since there are only two a rhymes in each stanza.

Manner: You have lots of interesting phrases, but you do not develop any of them in a satisfying manner, and as a result your poem lacks the striking images it should be full of. You risk cliche with the religious imagery, but it can work if what surrounds it is more weird, more specific, and more uniquely your voice, and not the established language of devotional poetry

Matter: My guess would be that this is about the search for God, or more generally some kind of meaning that transcends ourselves. The dissolution in the middle part reminds me the ego death of mystics seeking union with the divine, especially the references to "mirrors", which is a classic symbol of the self in religious poems I have read. Altho in this case the mirror did not break, leaving the narrator disheartened but still seeking a God they now fear might not even be there. It is a fine subject, but one that has been well-trod, so you have to find unexpected ways to approach it. You have the right idea in being coy about the subject matter, altho there is no real sense of "decoding the mystery" over the course of the poem that I think would help give the piece some movement. At the moment, there are things that happen in the poem, but it could be mor purposeful with a tight edit with progression in mind

In all I really liked this one, I think you have some great instincts for striking wordplay but I think you need to let your images develop before piling on more striking but ultimately puzzling lines on top without explanation. I think this poem could be really special if you narrow in on your metaphors and develop your imagery more.

[l.i.am]

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Hello Holy!

Thank you for the analysis and the time taken for reviewing. Exactly what I needed!
I won't reply to every critique as the poem isn't effective if I have to explain things to give it sense.

I will say 'sonder' is almost imperative.
'Glinting gaze' is one I was working on replacing already, and I'm glad you picked up on it as it's quite weak.
Same with 'wound my blood' - when I wrote it, I actually intended for it to be wound as in, past tense of wind (winding staircase) - and I didn't really realise until... just now that it had the other reading. Either way is wrong, since the rest of the phrase is in present tense. I will change it to winds.

It's meant to be ABCBBB with internal rhymes on the first line (foot 4 and 8) as well as lines three and four (foot 4, 8, 4) - which is also partial reason for 'marigolds.'

For now I will apply edits for 'wound' and 'glinting' - and will continue thinking of ways to make the imagery a bit clearer. I found your read as to the intent of the poem very insightful and fascinating, and if ever you wanted to discuss the intent of it further, I'd love to.

[l.i.am]

Quite a few updates have been made, hopefully the phrases are a little clearer in their meaning.