There are screams in the streets (edited)
#1
There are screams in the streets of what is right.
Voices lift up in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight.
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right.

The military shows its strength and might.
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Marching and chanting from dusk until light.
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong. 
There are screams in the streets of what is right.

For all the clamor that can't be put to light. 
Sides rise up and clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.
Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.

-Rumi

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#2
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  ... 

Sides clash with each other's prong.

...

*I specifically need help with line #14.

More later, but perhaps something to do with tong - as in oriental secret society/criminal gang?

Sides clash, vigilante versus tong.

or

Sides clash, angry natives fighting tong.

"Tong" should then be italicized, being a foreign word?

"Hammer and tong" doesn't work because, aside from being cliche, the forge tool is always plural.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Voices lift in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

The military shows its strength and might. 
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

Marching and chanting from dusk until light
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong 
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

For all the clamor that can't be put to light 
Sides clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

- - Parties dash onto the other's song.
Look did I comment on one of yours before? 
'There are screams in the streets of what is right.'  - This is top notch. I mean Toplington Mac Notch!
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#4
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right  Why no period here (and elsewhere)?
Voices lift in one impassioned song.  perhaps "up" versus "in" but, as is, escapes "lift" voices, which is overused.  Good.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.  Since this sentence is imperative, it should end with an exclamation point.

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?  Not sure what was intended with the apostrophes.  Do you mean, if each one's right then everyone's wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right  A little clunky with "there are" - how about "screams (verb) (in?) the streets?"

The military shows its strength and might.  Since "strength" and "might" are much the same, perhaps a descriptive replacement for one - "serried might," for example
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong  perhaps "its" instead of "The?"
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight  Again, exclamation point here

Marching and chanting from dusk until light  good cliche avoidance
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong  leveraging "headstrong" instead of "headlong" - good
There are screams in the streets of what is right  again, "there are" is weak - what active verb can move the screams?

For all the clamor that can't be put to light  "put to light" is good cliche avoidance (for "brought"), but need better - "touched with light?"
Sides clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?  Like  "prong," a stretch to rhyme.  "walk hard paths and long" is archaic...
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

In moderate critique, don't take all the above suggestions too seriously.    One hint learned from computer programming:  if the rhyme is not coming, or the one that comes doesn't work, the problem likely is not right there - it's somewhere earlier in the project.  Check for places where the word that doesn't fit here could exchange with its (rhyme) counterpart above, or the thought of which it's a part could change direction and make the annoying word work - or another that doesn't as it stands.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#5
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Voices lift in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?             // I'm wondering what the distinction is here between the use of everyone and everyone. Is it pronunciation?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

The military shows its strength and might. 
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

Marching and chanting from dusk until light
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong 
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

For all the clamor that can't be put to light      //  For all the clamor that hides from sight,
Sides clash with each other's prong.              //  They've lost themselves inside their song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

I like your poem. It feels punchy and I like the call to join in on the fight for what is right, whatever that may be.
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#6
(11-01-2025, 11:20 PM)dukealien Wrote:  
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  ... 

Sides clash with each other's prong.

...

*I specifically need help with line #14.

More later, but perhaps something to do with tong - as in oriental secret society/criminal gang?

Sides clash, vigilante versus tong.

or

Sides clash, angry natives fighting tong. 

"Tong" should then be italicized, being a foreign word?

"Hammer and tong" doesn't work because, aside from being cliche, the forge tool is always plural.



First of all, thank you for taking time to read this and leave a review. I like your suggestion with the tong. I'll look into it and see what I can come up with.

(11-02-2025, 03:22 PM)patrickoday Wrote:  
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Voices lift in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?             // I'm wondering what the distinction is here between the use of everyone and everyone. Is it pronunciation?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

The military shows its strength and might. 
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

Marching and chanting from dusk until light
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong 
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

For all the clamor that can't be put to light      //  For all the clamor that hides from sight,
Sides clash with each other's prong.              //  They've lost themselves inside their song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

I like your poem. It feels punchy and I like the call to join in on the fight for what is right, whatever that may be.


Thank you for taking the time to read this and leave a review. I really like your suggestions for lines 13 and 14. It is close enough to the meter without losing the essence of the piece. In fact, I think your suggestion enhances it. Thank you.

(11-02-2025, 07:59 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right  Why no period here (and elsewhere)?
Voices lift in one impassioned song.  perhaps "up" versus "in" but, as is, escapes "lift" voices, which is overused.  Good.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.  Since this sentence is imperative, it should end with an exclamation point.

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?  Not sure what was intended with the apostrophes.  Do you mean, if each one's right then everyone's wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right  A little clunky with "there are" - how about "screams (verb) (in?) the streets?"

The military shows its strength and might.  Since "strength" and "might" are much the same, perhaps a descriptive replacement for one - "serried might," for example
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong  perhaps "its" instead of "The?"
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight  Again, exclamation point here

Marching and chanting from dusk until light  good cliche avoidance
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong  leveraging "headstrong" instead of "headlong" - good
There are screams in the streets of what is right  again, "there are" is weak - what active verb can move the screams?

For all the clamor that can't be put to light  "put to light" is good cliche avoidance (for "brought"), but need better - "touched with light?"
Sides clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?  Like  "prong," a stretch to rhyme.  "walk hard paths and long" is archaic...
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

In moderate critique, don't take all the above suggestions too seriously.    One hint learned from computer programming:  if the rhyme is not coming, or the one that comes doesn't work, the problem likely is not right there - it's somewhere earlier in the project.  Check for places where the word that doesn't fit here could exchange with its (rhyme) counterpart above, or the thought of which it's a part could change direction and make the annoying word work - or another that doesn't as it stands.

I take all suggestions seriously (kidding). Seriously, though, I appreciate when people take time out of their day and schedules to sit down and read something I've written and give me some honest feedback. This is how we grow as writers, and as people. On that note, I WILL take your suggestions seriously and see what I can implement to make this piece better. Thanks for taking the time to read this and leave some feedback.

(11-02-2025, 03:44 AM)tun Wrote:  
(11-01-2025, 09:30 PM)whisperer Wrote:  There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Voices lift in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

The military shows its strength and might. 
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

Marching and chanting from dusk until light
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong 
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

For all the clamor that can't be put to light 
Sides clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

- - Parties dash onto the other's song.
Look did I comment on one of yours before? 
'There are screams in the streets of what is right.'  - This is top notch. I mean Toplington Mac Notch!

YEs, it looks like you have commented on one of my pieces before. Another wonderful compliment here, too. Thank you for that and taking the time to read this and leave another comment. Much appreciated.
Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.

-Rumi

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#7
whisperer dateline='[url=tel:1762000250' Wrote:  1762000250[/url]']
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Voices lift in one impassioned song.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight. 

The masses stand, a staggering sight
If ev’ryone's right then is everyone wrong?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

The military shows its strength and might. 
The marching lines are drawn and standing strong
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

Marching and chanting from dusk until light
Flowing like a river rushing headstrong 
There are screams in the streets of what is right 

For all the clamor that can't be put to light 
Sides clash with each other's prong.
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight.

Will you stand quiet and alone tonight,
Or will you walk the path laid out long?
There are screams in the streets of what is right 
Pick up your weapon and join in the fight

*I specifically need help with line #14.

I like the how anthemic theme matches the rhythm. I get a sense of a group of protesters marching when reading. I always suggest reading a piece out loud to check the meter. Enjoyed this!
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