I would change "you /" for consumers like it's an identity there in love with what they are consume or don't. People tailoring algorithms or shielding themselves from what an ex loved
"When customers leave lovers"
Reminds me of Marks poem
"Currency"
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel takes you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
not if there will be shooting,
detonations and romantic interests,
partings and reunion,
stress, degradation, maybe loss of limbs:
no, what you want to know
(what all consumers want to know
before we get stuck in)
is if they leave as lovers.
Thanx, @Bunx, for the good critique. I tried several ways to apply the consumer idea and replacing "you," but wound up with this minimal change.
The attempts to replace "you" all led to confusions between "they" the consumers and "they" the implied characters in the inner story. So I ended up trying to exploit the ambiguity.
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel takes you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
not if there will be shooting,
detonations and romantic interests,
partings and reunion, reunions, for sonics and some consistency?
stress, degradation, maybe loss of limbs:
no, what you want to know
(what all consumers want to know
before we get stuck in) I keep wanting it to be 'sucked in'. and I liked the shorter parenthetical.
is if they leave as lovers.
original version;
Buyer Indecision
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel takes you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
not if there will be shooting,
detonations and romantic interests,
partings and reunion,
stress, degradation, maybe loss of limbs:
no, what you want to know
(what we all want to know)
before we get stuck in
is if they leave as lovers.
Hi Duke,
I like the progression of the examples through the first two stanzas and the ending. Made some minor suggestions to consider. Also thought maybe change title to use consumer and go back to 'we' in last stanza. eg 'Consumerism' or 'Consumer's Heart' but actually clever.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
Hi duke.
Lovely twist at the end, very satisfying.
Two niggles, for me.
S2 - it just feels like it could be polished a bit more (does one think of 'detonations' in a novel?) Perhaps even start it with a repeat of 'you want to know'?
S3 - 'stuck in' - you have 'takes you in' in S1 and this felt too similar.
It's another minor suggestion, but to my ear "before we get sucked in" sounds more natural than "stuck in." Unless you have a reason for that phrasing, maybe consider it.
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel draws you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
nor need you foreknow
if there will be shooting,
flames, defeat, romantic interludes,
partings and reunions,
degradation, even loss of limbs:
no, what you need to know
(what all consumers want to know
before we grow attached)
is if they leave as lovers.
Many thanks to all the critics. I've tried to address each suggestion, including a title change. This may not be the final title.
The reason for singular "reunion" in earlier versions was rather juvenile: I didn't want to end the line with an "s" when the following line began with one ("stress"). Removing "stress" eliminates the need to switch back and forth between plurals and a collective noun (though "degradation" is that).
Hi duke,
don't think the title's an improvement. (Wondered about 'Cost/Benefit' but seems a tad cold. Perhaps take 'Foreknowledge' from the revision?)
'grow attached' isn't there either. 'Take the risk'?
I did wonder if you really need S2 at all.
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel draws you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
what you want, no, need to know
(what all consumers want to know .............. 'want' needs another look, I think. Maybe 'seek'?
before we grow attached)
is if they leave as lovers.
(should 'if they leave as lovers' be in italics? Is 'if' right? Do? Will?)
What I get from this edit are consumers are in love with ignorance and unaccountability. They surprise or shock factor is reflected by nature of shock value consumerism. Life owes us shock when history wants mindfulness.
Ignorance breed consumer cycles. Lol maybe I love this poem too much.
Wanted to share what this means to me<3
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
I read this as a cynical viewer who only has so much energy she is willing to expend to any endeavor: yet underlying the cynic is the romantic who is dying for the connection. It's the push me pull you of the modern world of over stimulation and under satisfaction.
You want to know before
the movie starts,
the novel hooks you in,
not as a spoiler, YouTube™ clip
or liner note
(that would be cheating)–
nor must you be told
if there will be romantic interludes,
partings and reunions,
degradation, even loss of hope:
no, what you burn to know
(what all consumers yearn to know
before we dive in deep)
is if they leave as lovers.
Thanks to all new critics and commentators. The title still being discommended, another shot. Many swings at alternatives to wanting and being sucked in.
@mariematisse - Your comments were especially striking (not to say deflating): never thought of looking at it that way, though as always your read is as good as mine. We do not know, writing, what the reader will take away... including what was never thought to mean. You provide an inside view quite different from my down-from-above patrimonial one.
Non-practicing atheist
