Residue

[TranquillityBase]

Nearing fulfillment
sleep abandons me
and the wish like a filament
burns out.
In the black sun of consciousness
too real flesh evaporates
leaving behind a fragile husk.
No use to grasp it,
it will only crumble in my hand.

[brynmawr1]

Nearing fulfillment
sleep abandons me
and the wish like a filament          
burns out.
In the black sun of consciousness
too real flesh evaporates               desiccates?
leaving behind a fragile husk.
No use to grasp it,
it will only crumble in my hand.

Hi TqB,
I like this very much.  Very relatable with nice grounded imagery.  Some half hearted suggestions above.
Take care,
bryn

[Semicircle]

Nearing fulfillment
sleep abandons me
and the wish-like  a filament
burns out.
In the black sun of consciousness so               
too real flesh evaporates                            Too real flesh reads clunky and I stumbled on it a lot before I figured out what it meant.
leaving behind a fragile husk.                       A hollow
No use to grasp it,                                   Grasping
it will only crumble in my hand.       

The last line lacks the impact of the rest of the poem.


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unfulfilled