Lamentations

[TheJohninSnow]

Lamentations




An empire collapses in not the turning of a page,
my life for a vanishing trick played to the tune of my heart strings protruding,
a missing part of the puzzle replaced by soot upon the ground.
The world grieves the parting of someone dear
and so do I,
for as Jeremiah,
I am utterly destroyed.

“Let the mourners mourn til sundown.”
they sing
but the only ones who are there are the dead
for there is no one left to mourn along with me
because God will not allow it.
“I am Ezekiel reborn.”
I chant
as I walk about the Earth,
naked like Isaiah,
for no clothing or thing to comfort me is left clinging to my body.

Let my place be there 
amongst those drowned out by the cries of the world.
Let me sink below and cover me in soil.
If there were words to describe this agony they would be written on my epitaph
but I cannot speak
and I cannot scream.
I am but dust and ashes
and this is how I shall remain,
my remains echoing a song of lament.

[Semicircle]

Lamentations




An empire collapses in not the turning of a page,    before the page turns
my life for a vanishing trick played to the tune of my heart strings protruding,  How do heart strings correlate to a vanishing trick?
a missing part of the puzzle replaced by soot upon the ground.  Too many metaphors crammed into the first three lines. I suggest cutting some of them.
The world grieves the parting of someone dear
and so do I,
for as Jeremiah,
I am utterly destroyed.

“Let the mourners mourn til sundown.”
they sing
but the only ones who are there are the dead                 "remaining"
for there is no one left to mourn along with me
because God will not allow it.
“I am Ezekiel reborn.”
I chant
as I walk about the Earth,
naked like Isaiah,
for no clothing or thing to comfort me is left clinging to my body.

Let my place be there 
amongst those drowned out by the cries of the world.
Let me sink below and cover me in soil.
If there were words to describe this agony they would be written on my epitaph
but I cannot speak
and I cannot scream.
I am but dust and ashes
and this is how I shall remain,
my remains echoing a song of lament.     This stanza could be shortened down-- very small, like an epitaph. 

I would work on straightening/shortening the format. A long sentence juxtaposed by a brief statement afterward
is a bit jarring.

Also, description is good: too much is distracting--

"my life for a vanishing trick played to the tune of my heart strings protruding,"


Welcome to the pen.
SC

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello, and welcome to the site. I think the poem would be strengthened most by a shortening of lines into the most concise thought possible. Sometimes we get too concerned with poetics and churn out 15 words when 5 would have gotten an idea across more clearly. I'll try to give a few examples below for your consideration. 

Lamentations




An empire collapses in not the turning of a page, I'm confused at line 1. - I have to go back - you want the reader to gain momentum this early
my life for a vanishing trick played to the tune of my heart strings protruding,
a missing part of the puzzle replaced by soot upon the ground.
The world grieves the parting of someone dear
and so do I,
for as Jeremiah,
I am utterly destroyed. These 3 short lines are stronger than the lines above

“Let the mourners mourn til sundown.” "till" or "'til"
they sing
but the only ones who are there are the dead "but only the dead remain" 
for there is no one left to mourn along with me anytime you can cut 2 words and not lose meaning is a win
because God will not allow it.
“I am Ezekiel reborn.”
I chant
as I walk about the Earth,
naked like Isaiah,
for no clothing or thing to comfort me is left clinging to my body. 

Let my place be there 
amongst those drowned out by the cries of the world.
Let me sink below and cover me in soil.
If there were words to describe this agony they would be written on my epitaph no specific example here, but the same idea applies
but I cannot speak
and I cannot scream.
I am but dust and ashes
and this is how I shall remain,
my remains echoing a song of lament. Again, these short lines reader stronger (at least to me)

Welcome to the site. My first take on this is that the longer embellished lines take away from the short succinct ideas that move the poem along. Long flourishes can be wonderful but still need to find a role in the fluidity of the overall piece.

[TranquillityBase]

Lamentations




An empire collapses in not the turning of a page,              if referring to the death referenced below, maybe something besides "empire"/empire doesn't sound right to me
my life for a vanishing trick played to the tune of my heart strings protruding,   I'd suggest breaking this line up/"heart strings protruding" is hard to visualize; however I like the series of images that make up this line
a missing part of the puzzle replaced by soot upon the ground.   "missing part of the puzzle" I just don't get in relation to a death.
The world grieves the parting of someone dear
and so do I,
for as Jeremiah,
I am utterly destroyed.

“Let the mourners mourn til sundown.”
they sing
but the only ones who are there are the dead      but only the dead are there
for there is no one left to mourn along with me
because God will not allow it.  why does God not allow it?
“I am Ezekiel reborn.”
I chant
as I walk about the Earth,
naked like Isaiah,
for no clothing or thing to comfort me is left clinging to my body.

Let my place be there 
amongst those drowned out by the cries of the world.
Let me sink below and cover me in soil.
If there were words to describe this agony they would be written on my epitaph
but I cannot speak
and I cannot scream.
I am but dust and ashes
and this is how I shall remain,
my remains echoing a song of lament.  my favorite stanza, except I think line 4 could be cut

The Biblical allusions make this interesting to me, but I think something more about the person who has died would improve the poem.  If you are truly mourning an empire, then I am misreading the whole poem.