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Threads: 49
Joined: Aug 2021
White burlap rags
buried in the trough of a dune.
Sand covered goggles stare upward;
chunky clouds slowly dance across the skies.
They uncover themselves to form a bodysuit.
She stumbles her way to her feet.
Crawling up to the summit
she stands from the top
surveying a grand expanse of desert and sky.
Flapping in the wind:
she is hollow on the inside
lacking any organs or skeleton,
just an animated suit
with black goggles.
She walked until twilight
without a single artifact to distinguish before and after
in this endless desert.
Her goggles flickered on in the dark:
blue on the left, red on the right.
She stopped walking.
Collecting her thoughts.
It never occured to look at herself.
On her right arm she found a bar code
with small text below it reading "blank."
Looking up, appeared a large rusty old wind turbine protruding from the sand.
A bleeched red skeleton in tattered clothing lay propped against it.
Laboring breaths without any lungs,
it looked up at her and down again.
"Hello Orrison," It said, "Nice to see you."
Orrison remained quietly bemused.
"I must not have remembered what happened here. Where am I at?" she asked.
"The beginning," the skeleton said.
"You could stay and chat a while or I can send you to the fading world of Sepia."
Orrison sat down crosslegged next to the skeleton.
"I'll be going soon. I will sit with you for a while though."
The skeleton looked over at her.
"Thank you." it whispered.
Posts: 462
Threads: 384
Joined: Sep 2014
White burlap rags
buried in the trough of a dune.
Sand covered goggles stare upward;
chunky clouds slowly dance across the skies.
They uncover themselves to form a bodysuit.
She stumbles her way to her feet.
Crawling up to the summit
she stands from the top
surveying a grand expanse of desert and sky.
Flapping in the wind:
she is hollow on the inside
lacking any organs or skeleton,
just an animated suit
with black goggles.
She walked until twilight
without a single artifact to distinguish before and after
in this endless desert.
Her goggles flickered on in the dark:
blue on the left, red on the right.
jupiter and mars?
She stopped walking.
Collecting her few thoughts.
take out 'few'.
It never occured to her to look at herself.
take out 'to her'.
On her right arm she found a bar code
with small text below it reading "blank."
Looking up, there appeared a large rusty old wind turbine standing before her
take out 'there'. take out 'old'. take out 'standing before her'.
not having been there previously.
take out the above line. id like to preserve the word 'previously', but its not worth it.
A bleeched red skeleton in tattered clothing lay propped up against it.
It looked up at her and then down again,
laboring breaths without any lungs.
this part can be reworded.
the rest is fine.
im paying no attention to spelling.
"Hello Orrison," It said, "Nice to see you again."
Orrison remained quietly bemused.
"I must not have remembered what happened here. Where am I at?" she asked.
"The beginning," the skeleton said.
"You could stay and chat a while or I can send you to the fading world of Sepia."
Orrison sat down crosslegged next to the skeleton.
"I'll be going soon. I will sit with you for a while though."
The skeleton looked over at her.
"Thank you." it whispered.
Posts: 1
Threads: 0
Joined: Oct 2021
(10-08-2021, 03:01 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: White burlap rags are
buried in the trough of a dune.
Sand covered goggles stare upward whilst
chunky clouds dance gracefully across the skies.
They uncover themselves to form a bodysuit and
she stumbles to her feet,
crawling her way up to the summit
standing away from the top,
surveying a grand expanse of desert and sky.
Flapping in the wind,
she is hollow on the inside
lacking any organs or skeleton,
just an animated suit
with black goggles.
She walks until twilight,
not a single artifact to distinguish before and after
in this endless desert.
Her goggles flicker on in the dark:
blue on the left, red on the right.
She stops walking
collecting her ever growing thoughts.
It never occured to her to look at herself.
There, on her right arm
she finds a bar code with small text below it,
reading
"blank."
Looking up, a large rusty old wind turbine protrudes from the sand.
A bleeched red skeleton in tattered clothing lies propped against it.
It labors in breaths, without any lungs,
and looks her up and down.
"Hello Orrison," It says, "Nice to see you."
Orrison remains quietly bemused.
"I must not have remembered what happened here. Where am I at?" she asks.
"The beginning," the skeleton said.
"You could stay and chat a while or I can send you to the fading world of Sepia."
Orrison sits down crosslegged next to the skeleton.
"I'll be going soon. I will sit with you for a while though."
The skeleton looks over at her.
"Thank you." it whispers.
My advice is to edit some because the poem was in present tense and occasionally would switch to past tense. There are a few words that are added to help it sound just a bit better but I would say this is a lovely piece of work. The picture of a desert wasteland is nicely conjured up and the relationship between skeleton and lady is rather quaint.
Posts: 519
Threads: 212
Joined: Dec 2017
(10-08-2021, 03:01 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: White burlap rags
buried in the trough of a dune.
Sand covered goggles stare upward;
chunky clouds slowly dance across the skies.
They uncover themselves to form a bodysuit.
She stumbles her way to her feet.
Crawling up to the summit
she stands from the top
surveying a grand expanse of desert and sky.
Flapping in the wind:
she is hollow on the inside
lacking any organs or skeleton,
just an animated suit
with black goggles.
She walked until twilight
without a single artifact to distinguish before and after
in this endless desert.
Her goggles flickered on in the dark:
blue on the left, red on the right.
She stopped walking.
Collecting her thoughts.
It never occured to look at herself.
On her right arm she found a bar code
with small text below it reading "blank."
Looking up, appeared a large rusty old wind turbine protruding from the sand.
A bleeched red skeleton in tattered clothing lay propped against it.
Laboring breaths without any lungs,
it looked up at her and down again.
"Hello Orrison," It said, "Nice to see you."
Orrison remained quietly bemused.
"I must not have remembered what happened here. Where am I at?" she asked.
"The beginning," the skeleton said.
"You could stay and chat a while or I can send you to the fading world of Sepia."
Orrison sat down crosslegged next to the skeleton.
"I'll be going soon. I will sit with you for a while though."
The skeleton looked over at her.
"Thank you." it whispered.
This isn’t a poem, just prose with line breaks
