Silence

[RiverNotch]

Silence


To be righteous, one must take
Abraham's ritual knife and strip
away the gloves that mask one's trace,
the shirt that mocks at innocence,

the breasts that feed, the tongue that tastes
and, with its every word of praise
or soured satisfaction, breaks
the silence that is righteousness --

but all is forfeit should a drop
of Christian blood be spilled.

[dukealien]

Silence


To be righteous, one must take
Abraham's ritual knife and strip
away the gloves that mask one's trace, this is a very good, complex line... I see fingerprints, but could be DNA traces
the shirt that mocks at innocence,

the breasts that feed, the tongue that tastes
and, with its every word of praise another notable complexity - two functions of the tongue
or soured satisfaction, breaks could be a minor problem with pronunciation of "soured" as one beat or two... with two beats the line's meter is simple, with one it's dynamic "OR SOURED SATisFACtion BREAKS"  with three leading stresses.  I pronounce it with two, being a native Midwesterner, but like it better with one.
the silence that is righteousness --

but all is forfeit should a drop
of Christian blood be spilled.  A very nice turn since the reader has been, up to now, picturing the process of stripping away (even the breasts) as a virtual or theoretical exercise.

This is powerful, but I must confess to missing its point.  That being so, moderate critique addressing craft only (above).

Suggestions... not many.  "[A]t" on L4 could be replaced by something stronger and more specific - it almost (but not quite) seems present only for meter.

"[O]f Christian blood be spilled" makes a (to me) confusing reference to "The Merchant of Venice."  That anti-semitic law tries to connect with the story of Abraham, but I end up only with loose ends.

On the whole, I get an against-sensuality vibe (St. Paul's "keep the body down") but can't connect it with the coda.

So, a hint, a clue would be appreciated.  Not that the mystery isn't - it's very well done.  Silence identified as righteousness... sorry,  still missing it.

[billy]

hi river, i read it and thought it well laid out, the problem i have is it confuses me. in reading the peace it all seems good yet when i stand back it's as though contradiction is rife within. many good images for a short poem yet it leaves me feeling like I've missed something. i'm not capable of giving more feedback so i'll leave it there.

Silence


To be righteous, one must take i like the enjambment.
Abraham's ritual knife and strip
away the gloves that mask one's trace,
the shirt that mocks at innocence,

the breasts that feed, the tongue that tastes
and, with its every word of praise
or soured satisfaction, breaks
the silence that is righteousness --

but all is forfeit should a drop
of Christian blood be spilled.

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
I have to agree with the other critiques that this poem has some nice images in it, but it's meaning is a bit unclear. I'll try to go into more detail below:

Silence


To be righteous, one must take
Abraham's ritual knife and strip
away the gloves that mask one's trace, -I know that the first three lines are a religious reference, but I also get the feeling of a murderer. I think that was the tone you were going for here. I wonder if it would be stronger to give an example of righteousness instead of using the word "righteous"? For example, "To be a good father, one must take", and keep the next two lines the same. Just a thought.
the shirt that mocks at innocence, -I got a bit lost on this line. Maybe explore the image of the shirt more? This might help the reader understand your message better.

the breasts that feed, the tongue that tastes
and, with its every word of praise
or soured satisfaction, breaks -After reading this stanza numerous times, I'm still a bit unclear about it. I do love the phrase "soured satisfaction" because it could refer to the breast milk or the religious experience. I wonder if there is a way you could expand on this image to better build to your last stanza?
the silence that is righteousness --

but all is forfeit should a drop
of Christian blood be spilled. -I like this ending. However, I think it isn't as strong as it could be because you need to build up to it more.

I feel like you got some nice images here. You just need to make the overall message clearer. Perhaps think about adding a stanza between the second and third ones that clarifies what you want to say? I hope what I said was helpful.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[RiverNotch]

Sorry about the wait -- lately, I've been losing track of time.

I got two threads from your critiques: contradiction and a lack of elaboration. Rather, on the one hand, some images (particularly "the shirt that mocks at innocence") don't quite pop in their complexity as the rest of the piece; on the other hand, the piece as a whole doesn't seem to have some sort of main point, it seems to contradict itself (in particular, the whole Abraham-Shylock connection). And while I agree with the first, and have been struggling with how to work those lines since your replies, I'm not quite sure about the second -- I feel like the contradiction is the point.

It might be that the problem with the contradiction is the same as the lack of elaboration: that is, it won't work until all the little bits are perfected. Or it might be that that contradiction isn't as enchanting as I think it is. I'll grant that my process for this piece was a little loose, I was groping for that ending without any particular message in mind, but for me the message that I ended up with is clear, if a little obtuse.

Or, perhaps, obscure, which might be your point. But I consider this piece somewhat independent from what I think it's actually trying to say, such that dropping hints from within the piece is sort of disrespectful. And, either way, the three of you seem enchanted by this piece -- I certainly am, and I'm hoping the four of us who're here are representative enough of the general readership -- and, with my process for this piece having been so loose, I feel like such enchantment is enough. Is it? And were we really?

At any rate, thanks for the critique! And like I said, I am at least working on that first point, with what the problem lines are supposed to show spoiler'd below: alternatives are requested.

So the main problem-detail, it seems, is "the shirt that mocks at innocence". I get how it doesn't work, but I can't quite think of a solid metrical alternative to it. The play is that the shirt is a sort of insult at the idea of innocence, while at the same time represents our struggle for the same, a sort of reference to Genesis 3:7.

[nozaki]

Silence


To be righteous, one must take -personal preference only, but I imagine this line as 'One takes (Abraham's ritual knife...) to be righteous'
Abraham's ritual knife and strip
away the gloves that mask one's trace,
the shirt that mocks at innocence, -'At' between mocks and innocence is a little strange, but upon second thought I like it. 

the breasts that feed, the tongue that tastes -'the tongue that tastes' is a little bland for me, ironically, but I guess it's necessary for the following lines. maybe 'the tongue that bleeds'? Don't know if that's what you're going for, though 
and, with its every word of praise 
or soured satisfaction, breaks -nitpick but kind of bothers me how satisfaction is described as 'soured' but praise is just that 
the silence that is righteousness -- -really like this stanza. takes the flow of the first and sprints with it. 

but all is forfeit should a drop 
of Christian blood be spilled. -little overt with 'Christian,' in my opinion spoils the fun of inference a little. maybe 'holy'? 

i really liked this. the definition of short and sweet.

[Knot]

Hi River,
like the others I'm a bit lost, but not
unhappily so. The tone, some strong
lines and images make for a sufficiently
enjoyable/intriguing read ... but that
'shirt' seems particularly problemetic.

I think L9 should be 'one drop' (for emphasis),
though I admit it might require reworking
some of the earlier lines. With that in mind
just for consideration, rather than as a
suggestion (but with no attempt made
to match your meter).

To be a righteous man
take Abraham's knife and strip
away the gloves that mask your traces,
the cloth that hides your shame,

those breasts that feed, thy tongue
which tastes and, with its every word
of praise or satisfaction soured, breaks
the silence that is blamelessness -

but know this, all is forefeit
should one drop of Christian blood be spilled.


Best, Knot.