Among the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
are muddy footprints,
deep and dragon-made.
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry in those knobby boughs of gold
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
simply sigh a chilly breeze of resignation.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats live
in burrows wide as pumpkins, by the road
where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback,
they look to talk to anyone within sight. Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about. Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me! Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu...
The burrow-dwellers waddle on with
no patience for talk as small as their
furniture they'd stub their toes on.
A couple furlongs from those woods,
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—made
with everything they've sown beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
East of Lake Honeygill,
stars stumbled drunk and fell upon
the overlooking ochre peaks guffawing
where giants guzzle kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the belting-out
about the Early Winged Shadow, Malgok
being slain by Polimon the Pillar.
I was in my room, drawing pictures of you.
From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent,
I heard a buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Edit 4: Sailing to Tawnydale
Among the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
are muddy footprints,
deep and dragon-made.
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scuttle within knobby boughs gold
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
simply sigh a resigned chilly breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats live
in burrows wide as pumpkins, by the road
where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback,
they look to talk to anyone within sight. Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about. Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me! Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu...
The burrow-dwellers waddle on with
no patience for talk as small as their
chairs they'd stub their toes on.
Couple furlongs from those woods,
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
East of Lake Honeygill,
stars stumbled drunk and fell upon
the overlooking ochre mountains laughing
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
I was in my room, drawing pictures of you.
From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent,
I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Edit 3: Sailing to Tawnydale
Sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly
leaves and pine needles are scattered
in shapes of
dragon footprints.
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry across knobby boughs of gold
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Some respond with laughter through
bulbous cheeks to end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out burrows big as pumpkins, by the road
where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback, they look
to talk to anything within sight. Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about. Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me! Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu...
The burrow-dwellers waddle on, indifferent.
About a mile from those woods,
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
It seemed the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
I was in my room,
drawing pictures of you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's ascent, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
[pre verse]
Edit 2: Sailing to Tawnydale
Among the clutter of sweetgum balls,
pine needles, leaves, and acorns are
a dragon's footprints.
Here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold,
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop.
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes; at times they end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone. That changes when
bands of mounted phantom knights who travel
roads, love to joke, and laugh like someone
with a stomach or any organ really, tries to make
conversation with those tiny burrow-dwellers
till they become annoyed.
Bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing,
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
I was in my room,
sketching all about you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Edit 1: Sailing to Tawnydale
Sweetgum balls, acorns, leaves,
and pine needles are scattered
in sets of
dragon footprints.
Here, tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold,
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop.
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes; at times they end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone. That changes when
bands of mounted phantom knights who travel
roads, love to joke, and laugh like someone
with a stomach or any organ really, tries to make
conversation with those tiny burrow-dwellers
till they become annoyed.
Bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
their scarecrows' how they're holding up
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing,
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
I was in my room,
sketching all about you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Original: Sailing to Tawnydale
Sweetgum balls, acorns, leaves, and pine needles are scattered in the shapes of dragon footprints. Tree sap aromas fill the air like cinnamon. Squirrels scamper twisted boughs of gold ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop. Some respond in laughter through their cheeks, plump as grapes, at times to end up choking. The trees just sigh into the breeze. Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop in and out of burrows big as pumpkins, who rarely talk with anyone except for when they're talked to by bands of mounted knights, who travel roads, and crack jokes that echo in their armor, followed by laughs that belong to someone with a stomach or any organ, for that matter. Bipedal shepherd dogs, who raise livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask their scarecrows' how they're holding up, and would hand them cool leftover okra stew— made with everything reaped beneath the sun and a never-setting harvest moon.
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing, is where the giants drink their kegs of mead, in taverns booming full of song and laughter. I was in my room, sketching all about you. At my desk, throughout the sun's climb, I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like a lawnmower cutting grass.
(11-20-2017, 08:12 AM)alexorande Wrote: Sailing to Tawnydale Is this a reference to an actual place, or an actual fictional place from a story book?
Sweetgum balls, acorns, leaves,
and pine needles are scattered
in the shapes of
dragon footprints. yes, love this, I can see it and smell it
Tree sap aromas fill the air like cinnamon.
Squirrels scamper twisted boughs of gold I keep wanting to add a preposition here, "scamper along twisted boughs" or something like it.
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop. I really enjoyed this exchange between the trees and the squirrels. It is so exactly like them with the creaking, "the monotone requests from trees." That is exactly it.
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes, at times to end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats i'm visualizing gnomes here, yes? Something like?
hop in and out of burrows big as pumpkins,
who rarely talk with anyone except for when
they're talked to by bands of mounted knights, This sentence gets a bit convoluted, it's difficult to follow. First it's about the tiny men, and then it is talking about the knights. The description of the gnomes and the description of the knights each needs it's own sentence. I know that in the middle they have an interaction, but it becomes confusing by the end, when you get to the part about jokes and laughing, whether we are still describing the little people or whether the laughter and jokes belong to the knights.
who travel roads, and crack jokes that echo
in their armor, followed by laughs that belong
to someone with a stomach
or any organ, for that matter. i didn't understand this comment
Bipedal shepherd dogs, who raise I can't help visualizing Tasha Tudor's Corgiville here and wonder if that is intentional, or merely happenstance? Either, way, I love this image!
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
their scarecrows' how they're holding up,apostrophe not needed after scarecrows
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky Love this line.
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing, and this
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
I was in my room, and then a return to reality, a waking up, allowing the realization that the narrator has allowed the reader into the sacred space of a private imagination.
sketching all about you. At my desk,
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
I look forward to seeing where you take this. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
(11-20-2017, 08:12 AM)alexorande Wrote: Sailing to Tawnydale
Sweetgum balls, acorns, leaves,
and pine needles are scattered
in the shapes of
dragon footprints. ..........hard to picture acorns in the shape of etc - why not just “scattered / like dragon etc”?
Tree sap aromas fill the air like cinnamon. ....first “the”’not needed. Use something else in place of Fill the air”
Squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold,
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop.
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes; at times they end up choking. .....I like “plump as grapes”
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats
hop in and out of burrows big as pumpkins,
who rarely talk with anyone except for when
they're talked to by bands of mounted knights,
who travel roads and crack jokes that echo
in their armor, followed by laughs that belong .... “followed by” ?
to someone with a stomach
or any organ, for that matter.
Bipedal shepherd dogs who raise
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
their scarecrows' how they're holding up
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew— .....nice
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing,
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
I was in my room,
sketching all about you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass. .....mysterious ending
Nice one
Needs editing. Have pointed out some instances. Some word choices are rather heavy handed but otherwise enjoyable
Thank you for your critiques. Made an edit. I'll answer some questions and comments below.
Is this a reference to an actual place, or an actual fictional place from a story book?
No, purely made-up name. Though I'm pretty sure there are names of places--real or imaginary--out there that are identical or similar, it'd be coincidental.
I can't help visualizing Tasha Tudor's Corgiville here and wonder if that is intentional, or merely happenstance? Either, way, I love this image!
Merely happenstance, and thank you!
apostrophe not needed after scarecrows
of course, dunno what I was thinking lol
..........hard to picture acorns in the shape of etc - why not just “scattered / like dragon etc”?
they're scattered in the shape of dragon footprints. kinda like saying "the party cups were arranged in sets of triangles". I'm not understanding how I should reword this
(11-22-2017, 12:50 AM)alexorande Wrote: ..........hard to picture acorns in the shape of etc - why not just “scattered / like dragon etc”?
they're scattered in the shape of dragon footprints. kinda like saying "the party cups were arranged in sets of triangles". I'm not understanding how I should reword this
Best, Alex
well....pine needles scattered in the shape of dragon footprints would mean that they are arranged in the shape of dragon footprints. It's not clear why they would be 'scattered' in such a shape. I assumed your intention was to say that said needles etc. were scattered like a dragon's footprints would be scattered around the ground i.e. all over the place, presumably.
In the new version, 'pine needles are a dragon's footprints' is a confusing metaphor. I suggest that you stick to the original simile, eg. 'are scattered, like dragons' footprints'
(11-22-2017, 12:50 AM)alexorande Wrote: ..........hard to picture acorns in the shape of etc - why not just “scattered / like dragon etc”?
they're scattered in the shape of dragon footprints. kinda like saying "the party cups were arranged in sets of triangles". I'm not understanding how I should reword this
Best, Alex
well....pine needles scattered in the shape of dragon footprints would mean that they are arranged in the shape of dragon footprints. It's not clear why they would be 'scattered' in such a shape. I assumed your intention was to say that said needles etc. were scattered like a dragon's footprints would be scattered around the ground i.e. all over the place, presumably.
In the new version, 'pine needles are a dragon's footprints' is a confusing metaphor. I suggest that you stick to the original simile, eg. 'are scattered, like dragons' footprints'
Best
This isn't a metaphor though. I'm not trying to say the needles etc. were scattered like a dragon's footprints would be on the ground, I'm literally saying that a dragon roamed the place.
Maybe there's a better way to reword those starting lines?
Hey alex, enjoyed this, some excellent images and the (fairy tale) tone seems just right. That said, I did find it a bit uneven, and I still don't see how you get from the title to the final stanza. Some thoughts below, hope they're of some use.
Best, Knot.
Sailing to Tawnydale
Among the clutter of sweetgum balls, pine needles, leaves, and acorns are a dragon's footprints. Nice opening, the only thing I think it lacks is a modifier for 'leaves'. Here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon; nice detail. Do you need 'here'? (though admittedly the line would be one beat short) squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold, 'scurry' disappoints - can you replace with something that connects to 'twisted'? ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop. 'monotone requests' is nice, but 'trees' is weak (and essentially a repetition) - I assume they are pine or oak (but it would be nice if they were Alders, if only for the weak pun) Some respond in laughter through their cheeks, plump as grapes; at times they end up choking. The trees just sigh into the breeze. the image works, just, but the execution isn't up to the standard you set with the opening.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they seldom talk with anyone. That changes when might flow better as 'seldom talking to anyone'? line break on changes (for a little bit of drama) rather than when? Is this a deliberately misleading line? Because 'tries to make' suggests that nothing actually changes. bands of mounted phantom knights who travel roads, love to joke, and laugh like someone with a stomach or any organ really, tries to make conversation with those tiny burrow-dwellers till they become annoyed. again, this seems to be a bit weak compared to the start of the stanza. More 'laugh'-ing (rather than any interesting synonyms). Not sure who becomes annoyed. Just a suggestion but turn this into two verses. One for the 'gnomes' and the other for the knights looking for anyone to talk to.
Bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask 'occasionally' seems a bit odd, why not something like 'solicitously'? does one 'tend' a farm? their scarecrows how they're holding up and would hand them cool leftover okra stew— don't think you need 'would' (Perhaps, given the nature of scarecrows, 'feed them cool...' rather than 'hand'? made with everything reaped beneath the sun just for the sonics, perhaps 'sown' rather than 'reaped' ? and a never-setting harvest moon. The only thing I think this verse lacks is a sense of where it fits into the 'geography' of the piece. Are they near the 'grumpy men' or far away? Can they see the forest?
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky bit of an ugly start to this verse. Perhaps' Where, once, a constellation stumbled drunk from the sky and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing, is where the giants drink their kegs of mead, in taverns booming full of song and laughter. laughing/laughter again Needs a couple more lines I think. A slightly radical suggestion, perhaps, but, given the title, I think that this verse would make an excellent start, and the current opening one should fit in here.
I was in my room, sketching all about you. From my desk, sketching all about you is an odd construction I think throughout the sun's climb, I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like a lawnmower cutting grass. I'd suggest reordering slightly, as in; Throughout the [modifier] sun's [ or modifier] climb I was in my room [dreaming/]sketching all about you...
Hey Alex, moving in the right direction, keep going!
Still not convinced that this is the best start. Sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly leaves and pine needles are scattered in shapes of dragon footprints. In an earlier reply you said that 'dragon footprints' were not metaphor. The problem with this lies in your employing 'in shapes' - it is ambiguous. Your could try something like 'overflowing from', which would suggest some physical feature of the footprints. There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon; squirrels scurry across knobby boughs of gold 'scurry' is still weak/clichéd, scamper might be slightly better. 'knobbly' is a nice addition. Is the Golden Bough reference intentional? Either way, nice. and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop. 'oaken monotone', excellent, (perhaps 'cease' rather than 'stop'?) Some respond with laughter through what kind of 'laughter'? (Merry/scornful?) bulbous cheeks to end up choking. Probably should be 'and end up choking' The trees just sigh into the breeze. Perhaps 'simply' for 'just', 'in' for 'into'. But I don't think that this line is really doing enough (Could try, '...sigh, resigned, in the breeze')
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop in and out burrows big as pumpkins, needs more detail here, I think. What are they doing. Why are they hopping in and out? ( Perhaps make the pumpkins 'giant' otherwise their height would be measured in inches rather than feet.) by the road where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback, they look to talk to anything within sight. surely 'anyone' rather than 'anything'. Like the idea, but you could still add more in terms of the knight's motivation. Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about. Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me! Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu... this speech works, but needs a more defined context. The burrow-dwellers waddle on, indifferent. Weak ending, I think. (if they are indifferent, then so might the reader be)
About a mile from those woods, Good detail, though perhaps find a measure of distance more appropriate to the setting (furlong/league/etc). bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise livestock and tend farms, would ask their scarecrows how they're holding up and feed them cool leftover okra stew— made with everything sown beneath the sun and a never-setting harvest moon.
It seemed the stars stumbled drunk from the sky Don't think this line works at all. Is it a description of the sky, or something the stars did? Why does 'it seem'? I think you might be better identifying the geography of where the ochre mountains are. (In the far north/near the Orange Sea/etc...the stars stumbled...') and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing Perhaps sniggering/snickering to avoid repeating 'laughing' where the giants drink their kegs of mead, in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
Don't quite see how this verse follows from the previous. (You go from night to 'through the sun's ascent') I was in my room, drawing pictures of you. From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent, I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like a lawnmower cutting grass.
(Suggested reworking of final verse) I was in my room, drawing pictures of you, throughout the sun's ascent, From my desk, I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like a lawnmower cutting grass.
Hey Alex. I think most of the latest revisions are pretty much spot on (details below), but I think you need to take a closer, more careful look at the gnome/knights verses. These don't work very well at all (for me). Perhaps they should be completely separated. In the original you had Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they seldom talk with anyone. Which is a nice opening that you could develop. What do these gnomes do? Why are they hopping 'in and out'? And, how big is a pumpkin?
Similarly, the idea of knights roaming the countryside on a quest (not for the holy grail) but for anyone to talk to, is, I think, intrinsically funny. And it is something I think you could make much more of. I'd also suggest putting the verse about knights before that of the gnomes (so even if they don't meet, you could have the knights riding by in the background whilst the gnomes go about their business unaware)
Among the sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly leaves and pine needles are muddy footprints, deep and dragon-made. Really good, meaning works and the sonics are excellent. (Why is it formatted as it is?) There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon; squirrels scuttle within knobby boughs gold Not quite there yet ('within' is wrong), try something like; Squirrels scramble among knobby boughs of gold (or golden boughs) and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop. Would suggest 'slow oaken...'for the sonics and the contrast with the movement of the squirrels. Some respond with mocking laughter through bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees If 'some respond...' what are the rest of them doing? simply sigh a resigned chilly breeze. another improvement.
...
Couple furlongs from those woods, This works, though it probably should be 'A couple of...' bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise livestock and tend farms, would ask their scarecrows how they're holding up and feed them cool leftover okra stew— made with everything sown beneath the sun (Perhaps this should be; made with everything they've sown beneath the sun) and a never-setting harvest moon.
East of Lake Honeygill, stars stumbled drunk and fell upon the overlooking ochre mountains laughing excellent change (love the detail), though perhaps 'giggling' (or similar) for 'laughing' - would work better with 'drunk'. where the giants drink their kegs of mead, in taverns booming with the night's festivities. (why is no-one singing here?)
I was in my room, drawing pictures of you. From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent, I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like (probably 'a buzzing' rather than 'the') a lawnmower cutting grass.
The formatting of the first four lines of the poem is to set up a scene that seems ordinary, and then surprise the reader with something out of the ordinary.
As for the gnome/knight stanzas, I have yet to find a way to rewrite it, but I'm glad you found the knights funny.
This'll continue to be tweaked. As for now, here's my fifth edit.
Hi Alex, like the work you've done on the giant's stanza. Would just suggest changing 'belting-out about' to 'belting-out ballads' (or similar).
As far as the format of the first stanza and the indentation goes, your reasoning makes sense, but I wonder if the change occurs just a bit too early in the piece? Here's a cut and paste suggestion for S1.
Sailing to Tawnydale
[W]here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon; [and ]squirrels scurry in those knobby boughs gold and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop. Some respond with mocking laughter through bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees simply sigh a chilly breeze of resignation. [which blows] the sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly leaves and pine needles [about the] muddy footprints, [that] are deep and dragon-made.
