Bellerophon 0.1

[RiverNotch]

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that still can act,

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and politicians:
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands,

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack
an iron will and smoldering lexicon

to play dictator, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that can still act,

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and our painters:
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands,

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack
a proper cause, a righteous dogma

to hold us absolutely, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.

[dukealien]

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that can still act,  might consider "that still can act," smoothing and grouping the alliterations

they fail to see the visions  "they" would work better here if l4 had ended with a period... or semicolon?
crippling our poets and our painters:
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands,  comma here seems a little wrong... em dash, pushing ahead after a pause?

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack  return to "we" from "they" the half
a proper cause, a righteous dogma

to hold us absolutely, the modern  this line seems rough but is important - "moderns" instead of "the modern?"
butchered by our mothers and our fathers
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.

I like this so much it's very difficult to critique... but to work.

The two most impactful and unexpected words are "crippling" and "butchered."  I have some difficulty interpreting the first, which is not to say it's bad, I'm just missing part of it.  Skipping back and forth between "we" and "they" (the active half) could be taken to imply that the author considers himself part of the somnolent half.  And that the poets and painters of our generation are also of the inactive.  Could be interpreted another way, though.

An irrlevant thought:  though there was only one Chimera, Pegasus was also a lower-case chimera.

Bellerophon lost it all when he tried to visit Olympus, the definition of hubris.  Sometimes I think we lack the better part of that sin, when pride is justified rather than overweening.

Very much enjoyed.  Hope the suggestions help.

[Achebe]

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that can still act,

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and our painters: .... this sentiment is a bit too much. From 'generation' you've moved on to 'poets and painters' as if you actually believe in Shelley's juvenile hypothesis of poets being prophets. For the rest of the poem, I have my mocking glasses on.
a world at war, a world aflame, .... cliched
a world returned to tyrants' hands, .... hackneyed

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack
a proper cause, a righteous dogma  .... this strophe is clear, but rather prosey

to hold us absolutely, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers  .... 'butchered' by your 'mothers and fathers' sounds a bit teen angsty
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight, 
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.  ....the 'proper cause' is a Pegasus you'll soon lose while battling against the chimera of a 'modern butchered by your mothers and fathers' - this is fairly convoluted. Sorry, didn't get this one at all.

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
I like what you were going for here. I do have some thoughts though:

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation, -I liked this opening line. Personally, I think it describes contemporary society well.
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half -I would suggest ending this stanza at "consciousness". In my opinion, the first three lines work well enough as a stanza.
of us that can still act,

they fail to see the visions -If you do what I suggested in the previous stanza, you could change the "they" to "we".
crippling our poets and our painters: -I would suggest dropping this line.
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands, -I wonder if these two lines would be more effective if you referenced a specific war or tyrant? Just a thought.

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free -I'm a bit confused here. Is the "they" part of the "we", or the poets and painters?
as long as future's future -- for we lack
a proper cause, a righteous dogma -Again, why not give an example of a "proper cause" or something you consider a "righteous dogma"?

to hold us absolutely, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers -I quite like this image with the mothers and fathers. It sums up well one of the problems with the concept of being "modern".
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose. -I like the image of losing Pegasus. I just wonder if you could expand upon it.

I think you have a decent start here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[CRNDLSM]

I really like the title, and want to treat the poem as a sort of definition for the word, which I havnt looked up.

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that can still act, seems like a conversational opener, a speaker in a chair next to a fire

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and our painters: this line doesn't work for me, poets and painters particularly, not because they don't fit the poem, but because it's like the two always go together
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands, 

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps this line loses me, like the speaker loses interest in his own words and rambles off
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack which even though I like future's future, reinforces for me the speakers lack of interest, repetition for the sake of repetition, the three uses of world and this series of f and l sounds
a proper cause, a righteous dogma

to hold us absolutely, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers and our
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose. But these last two lines and the words you chose like wake him up and bring back the interest of understanding bellerophon

Thanks for the read!

[Mopkins]

We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab neat - trauma's freddy kruger fingers
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that can still act,

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and our painters: nice p's
a world at war, a world aflame, nice w's
a world returned to tyrants' hands, nice t's n's

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps love fullstops mid line - im a rebel
they see, yet feel they're free good bit of in line rhyme
as long as future's future -- for we lack f's good stuff
a proper cause, a righteous dogma

to hold us absolutely, the modern mmm hold us absolutely - nice embracey image
butchered by our mothers and our fathers ( like the pet turkey at xmas)
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.



oooooh, lubbly but a little glass half empty tbh..... have a similar cynicism, less well expressed usually.

good fri 13th imagery with groping trauma making passes at poor u, and lovely alliteration to linger long liking.

nice cuddly mental pic in last stanza good stuff overall... thanks for the read

[RiverNotch]

i must admit -- this is pretty hard to revise. i dig most of your notes, in particular about how i should cut a few lines from the first two stanzas, or how the third isn't much of a poem at all, but the whole is structured so strictly i'm inclined to dismiss this to oblivion. at the very least, though, the ultimate fruit of a week's worth of effort, with the intent not only to clean up the easier spots pointed out, but also to clarify my original intention.

Bellerophon


We are a sort of vanished generation,
even if there's no trauma yet to grab
at our collective consciousness -- the half
of us that still can act,

they fail to see the visions
crippling our poets and politicians:
a world at war, a world aflame,
a world returned to tyrants' hands,

and other such abstractions. Or perhaps
they see, yet feel they're free
as long as future's future -- for we lack
an iron will and smoldering lexicon

to play dictator, the modern
butchered by our mothers and our fathers
into a Chimera we'll mock to fight,
a Pegasus we'll soon lose.