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If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every
one would simply throw it
away
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass,
pulled down-blue-see through
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else
Posts: 283
Threads: 62
Joined: Aug 2017
Hi 71degrees, few comments
(11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every Isn't everyone one word? This makes the enjambment here sorta weak in my opinion, and the payoff at the last line of the stanza doesn't do much for me as explained at the line.
one would simply throw it
away I don't see the need for the isolation of away here.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass, I like these first two lines. Maybe a colon or em dash at the end.
pulled down-blue-see through do you mean "pulled down, blue, see-through," ?
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I'll walk around for a while
and hope he moves on
to someone different,
or else
I hope I'm not over-stepping you as the poet but I'd rephrase the stanza in this way to accommodate "different" in the fifth line. I just felt like an "else" or a synonym to that was necessary after "someone". Improve upon this change as you will or not, entirely up to you. Final question: is there a reason for the absence of periods? I'm thinking it was intentional but I can't figure out why.
good luck with it, Alex
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(11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every
one would simply throw it
away .....interesting proposition. I like the subtle rhymes of 'reason / one'. The jamb 'every' is a bit mysterious. '...reason / every one would simply / throw it / away' sounds more natural, but the version presented here is perhaps fresher.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass,
pulled down-blue-see through
and hand shaped ....everything about this strophe is gold
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else ....do you need the 'or'?
Wonderful stuff
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
I think the or else leaves an opening. I don't want to be called upon, but if he calls, I'll try to wait him out or else I'll do His will. I'm not really caring for the. "Simply throw it away". I don't like the line "away". Doesn't really stand up I think.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi 71degrees
Enjoyed this, particularly S2.
A couple of suggestions:
If living were only a word
rather than a reason,
everyone would
simply throw it away
Cupid breathed on me once
and I was blown glass,
pulled down-blue-see through
not quite sure about the hyphen placements.
and hand shaped
Is this shaped as a hand, or hand crafted?
If God one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone else
Afraid I don't get the 'or else' ending.
Best, Knot
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi 71 degrees
I was perplexed at the last stanza.
If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every not sure you need rather than a reason
one would simply throw it
away
Cupid breathed on me I like that Cupid's breath shows sensitivity regarding love.
once and I was blown glass, can do with or without once, maybe
pulled down-blue-see through confused a bit by the hyphens, unless it relates to the art
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else I wondered about the calling what it represented: refusing service or running from death,
regardless, the ending was effective.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 443
Threads: 99
Joined: Sep 2013
(11-10-2017, 08:10 AM)alexorande Wrote: Hi 71degrees, few comments
(11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every Isn't everyone one word? This makes the enjambment here sorta weak in my opinion, and the payoff at the last line of the stanza doesn't do much for me as explained at the line.
one would simply throw it
away I don't see the need for the isolation of away here.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass, I like these first two lines. Maybe a colon or em dash at the end.
pulled down-blue-see through do you mean "pulled down, blue, see-through," ?
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I'll walk around for a while
and hope he moves on
to someone different,
or else
I hope I'm not over-stepping you as the poet but I'd rephrase the stanza in this way to accommodate "different" in the fifth line. I just felt like an "else" or a synonym to that was necessary after "someone". Improve upon this change as you will or not, entirely up to you. Final question: is there a reason for the absence of periods? I'm thinking it was intentional but I can't figure out why.
good luck with it, Alex
Hi, Alex. Thanks...
Sometimes I use standard punctuation, sometimes I don't. In poems that are open-ended, I often don't. This is one of those times. Best I can do to explain.
(11-10-2017, 08:16 AM)Achebe Wrote: (11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every
one would simply throw it
away .....interesting proposition. I like the subtle rhymes of 'reason / one'. The jamb 'every' is a bit mysterious. '...reason / every one would simply / throw it / away' sounds more natural, but the version presented here is perhaps fresher.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass,
pulled down-blue-see through
and hand shaped ....everything about this strophe is gold
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else ....do you need the 'or'?
Wonderful stuff
I fancy keeping the "or" for a couple of reasons (e.g. helps the title and "or else" is often the finishing words to any threat. I mean, how gaudy can you get if you threaten God? 
I like "golden" as a description. Thank you.
(11-11-2017, 06:18 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi 71 degrees
I was perplexed at the last stanza.
If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every not sure you need rather than a reason
one would simply throw it
away
Cupid breathed on me I like that Cupid's breath shows sensitivity regarding love.
once and I was blown glass, can do with or without once, maybe
pulled down-blue-see through confused a bit by the hyphens, unless it relates to the art
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else I wondered about the calling what it represented: refusing service or running from death,
regardless, the ending was effective.
I like a couple of your edits. I'm all for minimizing when I can. Thank you muchly. Glad some things are working for you.
(11-10-2017, 08:44 AM)QDeathstar Wrote: I think the or else leaves an opening. I don't want to be called upon, but if he calls, I'll try to wait him out or else I'll do His will. I'm not really caring for the. "Simply throw it away". I don't like the line "away". Doesn't really stand up I think.
Thanks.
I guess I need a reason why "away" doesn't stand up. "I think" doesn't really validate it.
Am glad the "or else" leaves an opening for you. Now that's a reason and I'm glad....makes me believe I'm on the right track. Thanks.
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
it´s a little hard to connect the three stanzas.
1. if life had no sense we´d throw it away, yes to that.
2. love in a very poetic description.. and a little cryptic (down-blue-see through).. blown glass is a beautiful image (but why "breathed once"? what when the glass cools down after having been hand-shaped? isn´t life, and love too, about change?)
3. death (i d say you don´t really need god for that). together with the middle stanza being about love i somehow recoil at "hope he moves to someone else".
...
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
(11-12-2017, 01:41 PM)71degrees Wrote: (11-10-2017, 08:10 AM)alexorande Wrote: Hi 71degrees, few comments
(11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every Isn't everyone one word? This makes the enjambment here sorta weak in my opinion, and the payoff at the last line of the stanza doesn't do much for me as explained at the line.
one would simply throw it
away I don't see the need for the isolation of away here.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass, I like these first two lines. Maybe a colon or em dash at the end.
pulled down-blue-see through do you mean "pulled down, blue, see-through," ?
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I'll walk around for a while
and hope he moves on
to someone different,
or else
I hope I'm not over-stepping you as the poet but I'd rephrase the stanza in this way to accommodate "different" in the fifth line. I just felt like an "else" or a synonym to that was necessary after "someone". Improve upon this change as you will or not, entirely up to you. Final question: is there a reason for the absence of periods? I'm thinking it was intentional but I can't figure out why.
good luck with it, Alex
Hi, Alex. Thanks...
Sometimes I use standard punctuation, sometimes I don't. In poems that are open-ended, I often don't. This is one of those times. Best I can do to explain.
(11-10-2017, 08:16 AM)Achebe Wrote: (11-10-2017, 05:43 AM)71degrees Wrote: If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every
one would simply throw it
away .....interesting proposition. I like the subtle rhymes of 'reason / one'. The jamb 'every' is a bit mysterious. '...reason / every one would simply / throw it / away' sounds more natural, but the version presented here is perhaps fresher.
Cupid breathed on me
once and I was blown glass,
pulled down-blue-see through
and hand shaped ....everything about this strophe is gold
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else ....do you need the 'or'?
Wonderful stuff
I fancy keeping the "or" for a couple of reasons (e.g. helps the title and "or else" is often the finishing words to any threat. I mean, how gaudy can you get if you threaten God?
I like "golden" as a description. Thank you.
(11-11-2017, 06:18 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi 71 degrees
I was perplexed at the last stanza.
If living were only a word
rather than a reason, every not sure you need rather than a reason
one would simply throw it
away
Cupid breathed on me I like that Cupid's breath shows sensitivity regarding love.
once and I was blown glass, can do with or without once, maybe
pulled down-blue-see through confused a bit by the hyphens, unless it relates to the art
and hand shaped
If there really is a God
and one day he calls me,
I will simply walk around
for a while and hope
he moves on to someone
or else I wondered about the calling what it represented: refusing service or running from death,
regardless, the ending was effective.
I like a couple of your edits. I'm all for minimizing when I can. Thank you muchly. Glad some things are working for you.
(11-10-2017, 08:44 AM)QDeathstar Wrote: I think the or else leaves an opening. I don't want to be called upon, but if he calls, I'll try to wait him out or else I'll do His will. I'm not really caring for the. "Simply throw it away". I don't like the line "away". Doesn't really stand up I think.
Thanks.
I guess I need a reason why "away" doesn't stand up. "I think" doesn't really validate it.
Am glad the "or else" leaves an opening for you. Now that's a reason and I'm glad....makes me believe I'm on the right track. Thanks.
All critiques are merely opinions. As I said, throw it away is a cliche/over used phrase and away does not stand on its own. Also, a line ending on a pronoun "it" is a poor choice. My opinion is you could make those lines a lot more interesting, but, if you don't it is your poem. Good luck.
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